Acceptance: knowing the Self

Late 1979 the third trip to India

Yagyawalkya
Then Kahola, son of Kusheetak said: "Yagyawalkya! Explain that spirit which out of sight is known by sight; that Self who lives in the heart of all.
Yadyawalkya said "Your own Self lives In the heart of all."
Kahola said, "What Self do you say lives in the hearts of all!"
Yagyawalkya said. "He who is beyond hunger and thirst delusion sorrow disease death. When saints know that Self, they conquer desire for children, wealth, companions live the life of mendicants. Desire for children is the desire for wealth, desire for wealth is the desire for companions; therefore let a spiritual man transcend all book learning, and live like a child. When he transcends book learning and child like simplicity, let him meditate. When he transcends meditation and lack of meditation he becomes a saint."
"By what means?" said Kahola.
Yagyawalkya said: "By whatever means please him best, so long as he becomes like that nothing but the Self matters. Thereupon Kahola became silent.

Chandogya Upanishad

ChI, S08, V6: Then Shilaka, son of Shaalaavata said to Chikitaana of the Dalbha clan: 'Verily, indeed your Saaman, of you of the Dalbha clan, is unestablished. If now, someone were to say, your head will fall off, surely your head would fall off.'

Comment: The punishment for misleading or misteaching could be severe. The Saaman refers to the Veda and its inner purpose. Misuse of psychic power was also punished. Dubois mentions that when a miscreant was found they would break out his front teeth saying "now pronounce your mantras"

Shyam dictated another speech to me. A short session like this would keep me going for months. Sometimes he would say something to me and it would take days or even weeks, sometimes much longer to 'get it'. It wasn't just me that experienced this it was common place. He could see. His advice was very deep and penetrating. It inevitably was good advice. I appreciated no end his capacity for this. He could be critical but he always made you feel good in the end. He would 'blow your mind' as we said. When you were really stuck on some useless drama he would tease it out. Or he would just drop a line on it and afterwards you would know that your ego had been bombed. There was love in it and we grew from it. He never used his power to bind people.

There was a story about the Buddha were one of his disciples, Subhuti, had been in a prolonged meditation. After he realized he came out of meditation and a band of angels came up and drop flower petals. They showered him with flowers. I had asked Shyam if he thought this was true. He replied:
 

"Most Lovely Nachiketa, ( I never loved being called lovely, but I thought it was the Indian manner of speaking so I made no objection)

"The images of the minds are mere images, they are not concrete as the eyes see the mountain, the river, the sun, the people: the images are just ghost forms just in the head space, which can be called only thoughts. So these images are to be lived and enjoyed only in the mind as dream world forms cannot be found real in the waking state. So that angels with the flowers and petals will never come down to our world that is human being existence [where] they are first. They see me when I am in their land. They love me, they worship me, they . . . they shower all the flowers, and when I come into waking state with my form the body, then the angels of the earth they come to me. They shower their flowers on me, they speak the words to me and they offer the things and joy to me, and I know it and you see. But I treat it they are angels of the earth and are pretty loving human beings with me. But you do not see the angels, so your hankering and desire will never be satisfied and you will disappointed, which you don't want. What you have to do with the images is you just drop such ideas and such concepts of the heavenly being such as Shyam and heavenly angels. Shyam the very pure space of which your body and this body is coming (?) In the same way. No doubt to compare to you in some areas I as Shyam body look like stronger and wiser and in that form of Nachiketa you look young and beautiful, intelligent and having greatest skill in your profession. A lot of experience in the western mechanical psychological world. So body forms are just the form constructed of five elements earth water fire air and ether (akaash) and these everywhere in all the bodies. So nobody is special body to the death or Yam God. All the bodies are alike when they are eaten by death but when they become space all of them become alike again. If there is always likeness in the space and in the elements. That you have to find out dear One, where the difference lies. The answer to this lies in the mind which is thought or imagination.

So whenever you think I is right time to choose to come or not whether you are doing well or not, talk to Shyam freely or not talk to Shyam freely is all mental creation which means your mind is creator and is creating anything the mind (to be) independent. So any creation anything which does not please you, please don't create.

And if created and unpleasant then accept and if pain comes don't deny but put up with it, and now from Shyam side the definite advice to do anything

1) drop all your mental projections
2) bring in always the highest imagery, thoughts, recollections memories and construct most fabulous wonderful and pleasing ideas.
3) meditate always on the highest and meditate on the lowest and saddest to drop and not accept al all for your sake.
4) do Pranayam daily without fail according to your capacity
5) chant daily 10 to 15 minutes maybe in the washroom, bedroom, road or anywhere.
6) talk something about the highest ideas which please you and to others at the same time and never bring in any unpleasantness between you and your satsangee.
7) read about Ashtavakr or Light of Knowledge or Geeta occasionally
8) and regulate your diet, and doings (you can include walk every day in your doings)
9) make a nice companion who feels for your company and you for him or her and help each other in a pleasant manner
10) anytime whenever you are getting bored take your Maalaa and count at least 60 rounds saying one, one two, two, . . . until sixty.
11) take your bath at least once in two days (better daily) which ever can be done, by mixing hot water in a bucket and placing empty near pour the water from the one over the head and into the second. Thus only one bucket for the bath. Later this water can be used to wash back etc. Neck head face beard should get enough water on it. And the back just a couple of glasses and this back will be over.
12) whenever you have some heat of fire in your mool adhar chakr then have a tube fixed on the tap and use cold water to wet the mooladhar place to extent that you can tolerate and when you think that this has cooled down stop. Whenever head is hot use this same tube and let the water run bit by bit on the top of your head (and forehead and eyes).

You must know that whatsoever you have done so far is all perfect and Shyam is perfectly pleased with you in your progress. You must have patience and Knowledge that is maximum you have (done). Further progress is waiting for you. Keep your body in perfect health so that success may marry you."
 

Behind every obvious reality is an unobvious reality. It is like an observation of a beehive. At one level it is a collection of individuals acting in a certain fashion which added all together make a more comprehensive unit the whole set of bees - the hive. This swarm is then a single entity composed of cells which are the individual bees. The hive appears to have a mind and a purpose of its own, but the bees themselves have no purpose other than this hive. Consideration of the character of the individual bee by itself would be a study of the obvious reality, and the consideration of the character of the hive would be a study of the unobvious reality. The bee can be adequately encompassed by physical description, i.e. Stinger, furry black and yellow, transparent wings, flight, loves flowers etc, while the hive is described in terms of organization, structure, purpose and so on, the higher order or unobvious reality. It is through consideration of the higher order that we understand the real characteristic of the bee. We see its purpose, it shows us in a more comprehensive way what is Bee-ness ( the overall or generalized 'whatness' of the bee). The essential nature of the bee must be seen in its context, and context is determined by increasing generalization.

Generally we ignore this context in describing things human. We talk about something, setting the context or background into nonexistence or irrelevance, We ignore the space. Every object has a space of context, to understand truly the object one has to understand its space. Following this line of thought carries us back into the contemplation of being, and this contemplation of being becomes a transformer of human nature on its context the pure consciousness. Pure consciousness or knowingness is in fact the context an space of every object, and that is why it is said that its all one, a non dual, undivided one, which we are.

The giant angel: it happened that I went out of my room one day and was going to the outhouse to pee. I looked over the river and felt that there was something in the air over the valley. As I focused the image of a man appeared. It seemed to be about three hundred feet tall and was located over the top of and to the side of the meditation room. It seemed to be a little like a swashbuckler, with tall boots and a jacket tucked into the pants. It was an ephemeral thing. I felt that I was just fancying it. Yet the thing was to stay there for two days and would appear to be in the same place even after closing the eyes. I asked other people if the saw this but they did not. I was reluctant to ask about it for fear of making a fool of myself. As it turns out it was a ghost and it was very much closer than I thought. As a matter of fact it was on my head during the night looking into my mind and what it was particularly interested in was the images of the Errol Flynn types - my action heroes.

When I was first in India he would be in Satsang talking for up to 10 hours at a stretched. We would go on picnic together and then come back and have tea. Some days we would be only one or two people for hours or five or six for the whole afternoon. It was a very personal education.

One time I was there in Kullu in 1979. That was very bad time for me and a had dropped the tranquilizers. Since that is the worst of all medicines and the hardest addiction to crack, my wrist and elbows had erupted in swellings. Mohanni and Aanant where living next door. One night they had sex and I could hear through the very thin wall all the noises that go with such activities. Every grunt and groan. I got up and went down to the road and found the next guy I could meet and went into the room. That was Manoj's place. I told him that I was very upset to have that kind of vibe put right into my head. He scoffed. I was bugged by the attitude because I considered it difficult enough to reach Brahmacharya without having to hear the sexual activity of the next room. He thought I was a drip for even bringing it up, so I left. That was the last time that I was friends with Manoj.

Patanjali Yoga Darshan. These sutras are so spare that they really ought to be read in Sanskrit. Even if a translation is at hand each word should be valued as the original and traditional meaning of the sanskrit words. The text comes in four divisions and the following are the last five sutras of the first division, the samaadhi paada. The meaning of samaadhi is not clear until the whole paada is assimilated, but briefly it is the most advanced state of meditation. Here pure awareness is translated as Eeshwara which alternately is God or God consciousness, while consciousness (chitta, chetanaa) is more at what the english word connotes.

I.47 nirvicâra vaishâradye adhyâtma prasâdah: nirvicâra = not reflecting; vaishâradye = lucidity, purity; adhyâtma = innermost self; prasâdah = calming, pacification, clarification.
In the lucidity of coalesced [samaapatti], reflection-free contemplation [nirvichaara], the nature of the self becomes clear.
I.48 ritambharâ tatra pragyâ: ritam = truth; bharâ = bearing; tatra = in that; pragyâ = wisdom.
The wisdom that arises in that lucidity is unerring.
I.49 shrutânumâna-pragyâbhyâm anyavishayâ visheshârthatvât: shruta = what has been heard, teachings, anumâna = inference; pragyaabhyâm = wisdom; anya = other; vishayâ = object (of experience), phenomenon; vishesha = difference, distinction; arthatvât = function, role.
Unlike insights acquired through inference or teachings, this wisdom has as its object the actual distinction between pure awareness and consciousness.
I.50 taj-jahï samskâro ‘nya-samskâra-pratibandhî: tad = that; jah = born of; samskârah = latent impressions; anya = other; samskâra = latent impressions; pratibandhî = prevents, obstructs.
It generates latent impressions that prevent the activation of other impressions.
I.51 tasyâpi nirodhe sarva-nirodhân nirbîjah samâdhiï: tasya = of this; api = also; nirodhe = stilling, cessation, restriction; sarva = all; nirodhân = stilling, cessation, restriction; nirbîjaï = seedless; samâdhiï = oneness, integration.
When even these cease to arise, and the patterning of consciousness is completely stilled, integration [samaadhi] bears no further seeds.

I was walking down the road on the way back from Dalpur to the Ashram and I saw Shankar at a distance. At about seventy feet there suddenly arouse a big acute pain in my heart and I knew it was a wave of hatred from Shankar. I knew. I still managed to say hello. Walking down the road toward Dalpur with Brijendra that he was so prickly about everything we were talking about it. His aura had spikes in it like a porcupine. Rakesh commented on it. In those day there was a lot of meditation energy around I noticed that the cleft in the top-back of the head had begun to melt a bit. One day a vein on the side my head had stood up and I went to see Shyam about it. He said that I should drink tea with ginger in it. He invited me into his room and had me lie down in the corner while he talked to Suresh. He said that I shouldn't put my hands over my heart.

The purification was too intense. I was changing so rapidly and eliminating impurities that I developed some swelling and pustules appeared. I felt very out of it and had hoped to see a doctor none of the usual Ashram doctors were around and I had to find some one new. He gave me some pills and said it would be OK. I was worried and missed Canada and the security of its medical system. Shyam's prediction: realization within seven years - preparation Light of Knowledge the four qualities.

I was sitting with Swami in the large living room area of Hariji's apartments. He had at hand a package of large wooden matches which are commonly available in the mountains of India. We were discussing Shankarachaya's Light of Knowledge and I asked if I should work with this. He picked up one of the matches and passed it through the candle but it would not ignite. I heard him counting and I followed it myself. He past it through the flame - 25 times or years it did not light. He then blew out the candle. He then again lights the candle and passes the match though seven times and the match then ignited. Success he said. It means that perfection of the four qualities could lead to success in seven years.

Acceptance: knowing that the self is everywhere in whatever form. Guru. Gu - the cave, the dark, Ru - the light who shines his light into the darkness of the disciples mind.

The shedding of light on the dilemma of the disciple will depend of course if the teacher is himself saturated with this light. His teaching activity will be shedding of the light if he is fully enlightened, other wise he still participates in the darkness even if just ever so little. But with Self realization one can go a long way off the track with just a little misinformation. That is why it is so fortunate to meet with the Satguru - he does not in the least misdirect you but helps you straight through the musk with a steady hand. Because the satguru has the clarity the student gets a very definite idea of what 'it' is. This means that the student has Darshan. The state of enlightenment becomes reflected intuitively in the student and this impression will continue to open in subsequent lifetimes. One can have this Darshan and not even know that it has happened to you.. But the end result will be that you yourself may expand this incipient self realization because it has become established in seed form within oneself.

I dashed out a flurry of notes for a stream of consciousness meditation. Eye meditation with the Satguru. The plummeting of the source, the well spring of life. The foundation, the rock. Freedom to create my own situation, my own house, I do what I want here etc. Is still bondage. Freedom is awareness separated from thingness. Nothing else. The ancients have all been of one accord. To achieve liberation get detached from one's desires and reduce one's needs and remain receptive to the love within in silence.. Non-doing. God is called non-doer because he is certainly found in the unmoving unchanging ground, the silent bliss of samadhi. The one Krishna. Paradoxically when this is achieved one is self actualized totally. Now one can get anything one wants. Money, sex, security, food , companionship, excitement, anything. But since one is already centered and satisfied completely one becomes content to give love and wisdom. Super silent, without thought, where the sense of identification ceases, pure, awareness simple, bliss, totally attended by cosmic spaces, beyond the play of light and dark, pure being, love, one delights in it as the end of sorrow, beyond death and old age, all full, continuous, without beginning or end.

The difference between a reference to Satguru and simply guru is critical. The word guru in India is used for just about any kind of mentor or teacher. It has implications or connotations of what is called in sociology 'a near group'. Such a group is informal though having central figures, the group players feel no bondage to the association or relationship. From this one derives 'financial guru', 'golf guru' and so on. In other oriental areas such a 'guru' may be called specifically Sensie or head of a karate dojo for example. Satguru is supposed to be close to Self-realized and actually knows more intimately the truth—the truth about essentials of yoga. He teaches exclusively about yoga and vedanta, or Buddhism.

I was sitting in meditation, a blanket wrapped about me, in the soft candle lit atmosphere, a waft of incense peeling off into the stillness, wrapped slowly out of itself and climbed up to the ceiling, and I half smiled to myself. I commenced the internal voyage into the depths (heights) of the mind stuff. The depths which unfold out of the waving ocean of thoughts, the perpetual and perennial intellection and aspiration, the finest space comes to the fore, from the interstices of the soul evolves out pure being. To the meditator whose nature rests in this being and who is this being; it appears that the elements have dissolved spontaneously into space, that space becomes the all, and in that being, the real eternal being has become everything, everywhere. I was there all the while yet it is unnoticed and unperceived, just waiting to emerge.

Before it is seen clearly or felt wholly, there appears a play of light and dark, which seem like the passage of time itself, the bending and warping of space, utterly absorbing, astonishing and awesome, yet peaceful. There is a pang of regret as the ego dissolves, leaving no one but the universal seer seeing itself in its utterly simple purity, and in this eternity, the shadow of the man remains as its chrysalis discarded when the butterfly soul takes flight into the deep aboriginal being. There is no more to be done than this, nothing greater can be achieved, all wishing and desiring is finished. It is seems not that one then has done it, but that but it has become that which it is, it seems like one was always this god realized existence and never had been identified with the body world senses existence. The pure being becomes pure being through having been identified with something else. It is as if there has never been this identification and always has been pure being, the totality. It is beyond parallel yet is like the taste of honey, known to those who have experienced it. Consciousness is absorbed in space, Nachiketa becomes the shadow of Nachiketa, I do not know myself as Nachiketa, but the Seer only.

Indian philosophy was not without the baggage of India's traditional ways. The quote from the Bhagavad Geetaa which follows shows the kernal of the problem where caste consciousness is included in the so called wisdom of action. Not only but the supposition of the goodness of sacrifice to the gods is without support except in the Vedas, while in Buddhism there is no such thing. These castes are in themselves a social evil and therefore Krishna's claim to be destroying evil is vitiated. Now Krishna is here made to say that he is the non-doer and untainted by his own creation, which thought Shyam has replicated and converted to himself. That is even while doing we remain in the absolute which is not doing. Shyam's claim that the text really refers to varna and not caste (jati) was really not holding water as the caste system went back as far a Manu smriti (~1200BC). In India there was never a time in which a man could freely choose his role in life, but that his life was regulated by the family and caste into which he was born.

Bhagavada Geetaa, Chapter 4, The Yoga of Wisdom.

Ye yathaa maam prapadyante taamstathaiva bhajaamyaham;
Mama vartmaanuvartante manushyaah paartha sarvashah.
11. In whatever way men approach Me, even so do I reward them; My path do men tread in all ways, O Arjuna!

Kaangkshantah karmanaam siddhim yajanta iha devataah;
Kshipram hi maanushe loke siddhir bhavati karmajaa.
12. Those who long for success in action in this world sacrifice to the gods, because success is quickly attained by men through action.

Chaaturvarnyam mayaa srishtam gunakarma vibhaagashah;
Tasya kartaaram api maam viddhyakartaaram avyayam.
13. The fourfold caste has been created by Me according to the differentiation of Guna and Karma; though I am the author thereof, know Me as the non-doer and immutable.

Na maam karmaani limpanti na me karmaphale sprihaa;
Iti maam yo’bhijaanaati karmabhir na sa badhyate.
14. Actions do not taint Me, nor have I a desire for the fruits of actions. He who knows Me thus is not bound by actions.

Evam jnaatwaa kritam karma poorvair api mumukshubhih;
Kuru karmaiva tasmaat twam poorvaih poorvataram kritam.
15. Having known this, the ancient seekers after freedom also performed actions; therefore, do thou perform actions as did the ancients in days of yore.

Kim karma kim akarmeti kavayo’pyatra mohitaah;
Tat te karma pravakshyaami yajjnaatwaa mokshyase’shubhaat.
16. What is action? What is inaction? As to this even the wise are confused. Therefore, I
shall teach thee such action (the nature of action and inaction), by knowing which thou shalt be liberated from the evil (of Samsara, the world of birth and death).

Karmano hyapi boddhavyam boddhavyam cha vikarmanah;
Akarmanashcha boddhavyam gahanaa karmano gatih.
17. For, verily the true nature of action (enjoined by the scriptures) should be known, also
(that) of forbidden (or unlawful) action, and of inaction; hard to understand is the nature (path) of action.

Karmanyakarma yah pashyed akarmani cha karma yah;
Sa buddhimaan manushyeshu sa yuktah kritsnakarmakrit.
18. He who seeth inaction in action and action in inaction, he is wise among men; he is a Yogi and performer of all actions.

While maturing into the world we often find ourselves needing to control: to conquer nature, to build a home, to control ourselves, to control others. And in this controlling we are trying to defend ourselves against pain, to enjoy life and to have security. But this external nature is uncontrollable—one cannot control and be free. We become controlled by the very thing we meant to overcome. To engage in the struggle of the subject against the object, me against it, or me against the other is to keep myself in the thralldom of the duality state of consciousness. It is divisive and therefore keeps one wrapped in the same ignorance which one is trying to avoid. Real freedom means utter self knowledge, real love in the unity state, and this takes us into the core of God which is non-doing. Vairagya or renunciation is control and parvairagya is releasing this control into the hands of the whole or the one. One is no longer controller but harmonized into the flow simply follows the thread of fate as husbandman or gardener for the larger being of which we are only a part.

"Whatever is going to happen is going to happen" But what is this whatever? The whatever is letting be. When we try too much to create the future we get entangled in the business of the struggle, we feel that this must be done and that must be done or our personal kingdom will fall down. Yet we are doomed to never finally being able to keep it up, there being no absolute guarantee that it can be done. What we have done cannot be claimed as our own and what we have done is not ours to keep. We do it but so not claim it. Take the attitude that whatever exists belongs to the pure being. We are only legally entitled to the fruits of our labor. Absolute possession is decide by fate alone. We ought to begin just do for the simple reason that doing must be done under the indomitable push of nature but that what will happen or what is going to happen can only be decided at that moment, and in the now we cannot finally control the future. Nor are we determined solely by what is happening. We are beyond the happenstancial in space and time standing in our true nature beyond all limitation of cause and event. It is totally ironic that such abandonment of the means can leads to such fruit, such blessings.

Rakesh, Kirti and I had gone to Chandigardh to visit the Ayurvedic doctor Shastri. He had been head Ayurvedic of the local hospital, a large one. Now he had begun to give consultations at his home. Dr. Shastri with his Nehru jacket and big red tilak for Durga on his forehead stood behind his desk and welcomed us. I sat beside him and he took my wrist in his hand. You have two brothers and a sister he said. I was so surprised. He could not have known this by another other means than the holding of my wrist. He divined some other things about my life as well. Then the analysis. "Brain will be increased after six months. Very good spiritually. Mind needs strength (a must). At 40 years and 4 months (I was 33 at the time) you will have good name and money. There would be a wife who would be good natured and rich. Need of mental peace in mean while. All will come through meditation. There will be two daughters and two sons. In 40th year will become rich and famous. Stomach problem only. In 46th year will become teacher abroad. Kidney and heart good but liver not perfect." He gave me some medicines.

Swamiji himself mentioned that " why did I quibble with this (an essay he had written). You'll proclaim them later." I will..???

The question of destiny is an important one because if fate is already determined why should I struggle with what I am going to do?

The books have it, the verses say it everywhere it is known, but I just didn't think it was true for me. Love—that love between man and woman— is intangible, you can not touch, taste, feel, smell, see or hear it; yet it has an edge, can be sharp or blunt, hit or cut, can heat or cool—to the psyche. When you have it you fly, when its good you shine like the sun, having the power to cure the lame, straighten the bent, and beautify the ugly. But disappearing leaving nothing in its awful ruthlessness. So nature has guaranteed progeny for itself for who can get away from it except by the strength that comes from beyond the super nature of God. Only by the touch of the supernatural can you truly free yourself from the limits and boundaries of the Great Romance—Maya. Sometimes . . .

After the infatuated high from first contact to completion, we enter a relative state of depression, we are left to face the commonplaces of our day to day life, half grudging the share of the spoils or disasters to the inescapable companion of our act. The energy used in sexuality, according to the yogas, are the same energy that is used to propel us into the state of higher consciousness. The devotee of god is inevitably retaining all his energies for this purpose—not only sexual energies but all other kinds as well. The person who is growing conserves his energies for the effort of growth (brahmaacharya), the man who has a special task to do, who gives that job the highest priority will conserve his energies for the successful end of that job. So the normal man has no problem with sexuality except the capacity to handle a mature and loving relationship, but the extraordinary man has the difficulty of balancing the outlay of energies as reflecting in his growth. If he is too drained he will not grow, reach enlightenment which is his primary task and the end of all lives.

When in the course of Sadhana a man undertakes to swear off sexuality or love relationships of the marriage kind with woman, he may have to struggle for a long time with the desire to have a woman again, as if he is addicted to cigarettes and is quitting smoking. But not that a woman is a cigarette. Certainly not.. But the sex is still like a habit. And relief. He feels guilty about celibacy if he is wronged inside. Soon the habit is overcome and the desire is controlled or is under control. Then there arises a struggle of conscience or the resolution of conflicts on deeper levels will happen as one confirms to oneself the decision not to participate in the romantic/relationship milieu. We have to reach into ourselves deeply in search of the actual reasons for giving one of our primary sources of joy. In order to answer that question the celibate must go very deeply into himself questioning his ideals again and again as each new wave of residual desire passes through. The need for love will rise along with it and lead us to question how we love and do we get much love out of our non-sexual relationships. One can swear off sexuality by brute strength, it is no great feat. The need for love in one's life cannot be diminished or sworn off. Love must be fulfilled in one way or another. The path to growth and to god without love is fraught with nightmares. However as the primary sexual energy ( the physical) starts to accumulate and as purity is achieved the body and mind drift toward a natural high - this is called Sattwa. It is an easy happy state and love starts to arise spontaneously from within. Since love is attracted to love one begins to experience love through others in greater proportion. This makes the loss of tender touches and words, the happiness of children, the feelings of completion, and even physical climax, easier to bear. The joy we have sacrificed from one pocket is paradoxically put into the other pocket. It is never easy to get a balance out of this way of life but it promises by far the greater reward if the target is reached.

That is too say to be enlightened means the end of every bad feeling or feeling of loss. One reaches perfect and continuous contentment the summa of all growth. In relation to this kind of thinking the emphasis in discussion of sexuality is not ethical as in the west, but more from the point of view from the relation to the mechanics of body and mind. A meditator who makes love to a woman to whom he may or may not be married is viewed the same way (according to Patanjali). He is expended the energy that could be used for enlightenment on a merely sensual plane. It is not really considered as to whether this is breaking a moral code, or committing a sin. These concepts are left to the proper scriptures as for example the laws of Manu which set codes of behavior for the society as a whole. Not every society will have moral codes of this sort, so the Yog do not address the issue but examine only the truly universal aspect of man and his cosmos - the One. That does not mean that the Yogas are unethical or not normative. They present five ideals and five injunctions viz. Truthfulness, nonviolence, non-grasping, bramachari (physically devoting oneself to 'God'), letting be; cleanliness inner and outer, contentment, practice or effort self discipline, study and devotion. These are presented as a branch of the total philosophy and the specific application left to the devotee and Guru if any, and the resolution of the practicant otherwise. On achievement of liberation the successful fulfillment of all branches of the philosophy is taken for granted.

I was often caught on the boundary of accepting and not accepting (surrendering) the guru. If you just but your self into his arms and trust him you can go a long way. But I come a tradition of steadfast independence and hearty skepticism I do not want to surrender to anybody, do not trust God. I feel very much in a foreign place, even though by my own direct experience I know for certain that the man can be trusted to be a Holy man with the Holy spirit and so on. I am awe struck but do not want to give it all over to him nevertheless. Besides which he won't really let me. I can't do any thing for him. He is always and only talking about Self realization and says over and over again that he wants us to be masters, doesn't let any one touch his feet. He makes every one responsible for themselves. I feel that independence is a good thing but yet really have surrendered to this process of Enlightenment. Even so I keep thinking I don't belong here this isn't for me. It's all very crazy. He's not perfect and so on. When I get too dependent he pushes me away. Some one else comes to the fore. The relationship with the guru is never well defined. He needs no one. As soon as you presume on him he steps back. Or you are sent to the back. He is always there to help. And whether near of far I get the sense of being really boosted by him. Just to be near raises my energy, where I am dead I come back to life. Where I was ignorant I feel the light falling.

Vivekchudamani, Adi Sankaracharya,  Translated by Swami Madhavananda
Published by Advaita Ashram, Kolkatta

206. This knowledge sheath (Vijnanamaya Kosha) that we have been speaking of, cannot be the Supreme Self for the following reasons - because it is subject to change, is insentient, is a limited thing, an object of the senses, and is not constantly present: An unreal thing cannot indeed be taken for the real Atman.

207. The blissful sheath (Anandamaya Kosha) is that modification of Nescience which manifests itself catching a reflection of the Atman which is Bliss Absolute; whose attributes are pleasure and the rest; and which appears in view when some object agreeable to oneself presents itself. It makes itself spontaneously felt by the fortunate during the fruition of their virtuous deeds; from which every corporeal being derives great joy without the least effort.

208. The blissful sheath has its fullest play during profound sleep, while in the dreaming and wakeful states it has only a partial manifestation, occasioned by the sight of agreeable objects and so forth.

209. Nor is the blissful sheath the Supreme Self, because it is endowed with the changeful attributes, is a modification of the Prakriti, is the effect of past good deeds, and imbedded in the other sheaths which are modifications.

210. When all the five sheaths have been eliminated by the reasoning on Shruti passages, what remains as the culminating point of the process, is the Witness, the Knowledge Absolute – the Atman.

211. This self-effulgent Atman which is distinct from the five sheaths, the Witness of the three states, the Real, the Changeless, the Untainted, the everlasting Bliss – is to be realised by the wise man as his own Self.

212. The disciple questioned: After these five sheaths have been eliminated as unreal, I find nothing, O Master, in this universe but a Void, the absence of everything. What entity is there left forsooth with which the wise knower of the Self should realise his identity.

213-214. The Guru answered: Thou has rightly said, O learned man ! Thou art clever indeed in discrimination. That by which all those modifications such as egoism as well as their subsequent absence (during deep sleep) are perceived, but which Itself is not perceived, know thou that Atman – the Knower – through the sharpest intellect.

Govind, Brinda, myself and Murray had left Kullu at the same time. Govind had gotten dysentery in Delhi and we were taking good care of him. Brinda and I were sitting in the hotel while Govind was sleeping and had gone into meditation after singing. As I sat I could see a young woman suspended like a hologram in front of my eyes. She appears to be sitting on a rock and gazing into a streams. There was a beautiful feeling to it. When we came out of meditation I asked Brinda what she thinks about when she meditates. She went on to say without me suggesting that she occasionally feels that she is looking into a brook and just listening to the water flow. I was amazed.

End of visit to India (4 months). Sometimes a clear moment, through the miasma of craving, into the clarity of non-desiring, then the habitual needs return like flashes in the dark, or like sudden darkness in the light, seizing one with despair, for a momentary exaggerated yearning, which can only be fulfilled out of the promise for more. I am fulfilled in the light and craving in the dark, fulfilled is happiness, to yearn is misery.

Back in Canada, spring 1980

Leaving Greg's I'm nervous and depressed. My glands have swollen again. The real possibility of having something like mononucleosis has struck me. I conclude that the statement 'samsar is misery' is almost irrefutable. I hate that conclusion.

Made it to Ottawa traveling in the my old car: took water and something to cool my head plus some sandwiches and oranges. I wanted to keep relative with food as concentrating on the road creates Samadhi and therefore bodilessness and therefore accidents. Played some music to keep me company so I wouldn't stay in the worrying Vrittis (mind waves).

See Swaroop and Dajo which gives me quite a kick. My energy rose again to a level it hadn't been since Kullu and I felt so very good again that the antagonistic thought of the last nine days of journey just left me. Swaroop said that I seemed to be quite a bundle of energy.

This morning I had what I have been wanting for a long time - yogurt raison, sunflower seeds, wheat germ, brewers yeast, molasses and honey. This was a normal breakfast before going to Kullu, its a combination that I know really works. I took a Lib- 52 (liver pills) yesterday and it helped digestion, along with multiple vitamins. Altogether I hope to be back in shape in a months.

When, after my mouth had been frozen by the dentist, I put my hand to my mustache, I feel that my lips are not mine, they feel foreign, to me. They are other. It is because I do not feel them being felt. Are they my lips then if I don't feel them being felt. Maybe it is not "my lips" but "me the lips."

I had worked for many years in Ottawa as a consultant and programmer analyst. The work had taken me to many government departments, including Dept. Of National Defense. I was glad that I was able to get security clearance from the RCMP in order to work there. More recently I had worked at energy mines an Resources a good contract.

1979-1980 Shakti breck had gone off the deep end and had been sent back to Canada. She was in a crazy mood. We were in the kitchen in First ave. Ashrams and there was lunch going on. She had been moving around doing things and I was making idle chat. She suddenly had come over and leaned on me and then turned sideways and sat in my lap. I just looked at her and she was very playful. Then I asked her to get up as she was too heavy for me. She went off and had sung some songs at a club somewhere and it was pretty well received and then she wrote a book and published it which is more than Shankar eve did. Neither could he sing neither did he write books. So he called he crazy so did Shyam. She wasn't', it was him and Shankar that were pathological. Neither of them could ever know God about anything.

In those days SS, PH and DC, DP, GS came along later. Sterling was rich. They had begun to study with him and "slowly came to know that he was Self-realized". Later on they had gone to a place called Big White where they had set up a center. At Big White there was (Jitendra), Maisie Jolly, (Manoj), (Shankar), and JM occasionally. Shankar's brother went to jail for murdering his dad. PH and MD for dealing drugs. JG came from the US and had changed his name. He had been doing some kind of scam where he came from. He was married to Aarthi and had a son Joseph. That was the Big White.

Giridhar Chakras had been opened when I was in Kullu in 1978. He and Shashi got in a bad row, on account of Shyam telling Giridhar that he shouldn't see her anymore. Later Giridhar had told me when he was living with Gyaanindr that he had thrown his car in the river to collect the insurance.

Another stream of consciousness done in Ottawa. 1980. In Kullu: guru drank so much coffee one year the doctor said he had to quit because his headaches were so bad and the back of his neck getting wired or something and his diet was bad and he drank a lot of soft drinks and that was really annoying to Gibbie to call the sugar Kundalini food, and still his teeth were falling out and he had to wear dentures and wasn't as cute as he used to be to the little gopees. We'll he quit for a while and then kept drinking tea and eating all kinds of burfee while blaming every body for eating chocolates and then he hates western books because his books don't sell and tells everybody that even though he shouldn't blame or project the western world is really the cause of their problems because they don't pay them to do Sadhana like his theory say they should and then every body moves over to India to get sick on Jaundice and amebic dysentery and so many got sick it was ludicrous to think they went there for their health like he thought they did and even though many people had lots of energy they sure got mentally ill as well because he said they couldn't handle the energy but on the other hand he was driving them all nuts and some gurus never know when to figure out that is if they are experimenting on the students because he never finished with a satgurus himself that he shouldn't not be blaming guru students kundalini for the sickness of the minds because he sure came over to Canada and found a lot of sick minds to blame in the first place.

Marc chagall: to him God is love. He is mystic and surrealist. He wanted to bring the Bible to life. To portray its great poetry. He was kept alive by the overwhelming love of his mother. It must have generated great stamina in him - his causes were so simple. A simple life and a simple love. He was born and raised in a small Russian village ( 1887 ) , and was influenced both by Catholicism and Hasidic Jewry. He moved to Moscow and the Paris. Paris opened him particularly the Louvre and the great masters. His imagination was fired and he was inspired by the magnificence of it all.

I see a film of ignorance between myself and the other. When I look at the refrigerator I see myself-looking -at-the- refrigerator. There is a persistent identification of myself doing which I cannot circumvent. It is a perceptible thing nevertheless. Even when there is no thought at the time a perception there is the underlying identity. I feel myself, I know the seeing and I see the object, yet I can't see the underlying unity of these three. Seer, seeing, and seen the triputi.

The idea is to get to what is behind that identification. When perceiving one feels out the internal nature or state, and recognizing it , tries to put oneself into oneself completely totally. In getting into oneself one goes beyond the limitation of a single individual among many and perceives what is—the universal in things. On seeing this universal one knows self as one really is. This is the knower of the Triputi, the being behind or underlying all three. The being of the object, the being of the self and the space of the perception are identical. In knowing that one has become it. Being that being. This is the consummation of all knowledge.

I loved Shyam's presence and his conversation but that the philosophy was not well constructed. Later I came to see that he did not teach dogmatically and even rationally really. Most of what we have of him in written form is recorded during conversations and speeches which from personal experience can be directed to several different people at the same time. It can seem to suit many people personally at yet the conversation will not appear overall to be specifically directed to those people. They got a message from it and yet it appears to be rambling toward a more general goal. He does not write philosophical systems. He stuck very closely to the main idea — it is all one. But he didn't spend much energy in working through the systems of philosophy he taught to us. The knowledge as object was second to the knowledge as subject. It was all just very personalized teachings about our own true nature — very simple, and changing as frequently as we did. He emphasized now one thing and now another according to where we were getting stuck. Thus the teachings did not seem to have large frameworks but was as irrational in a way as we were. Yet it never when very far from the central teachings of Yoga and Vedant. He would say "you have to get beyond concept and ideals"

Dream: thing on neck. I was drinking a lot of coffee during the day and had a light sleep. In the first hour or so of sleep I had gone out of my body and as I was walking up I felt that something was cashing me from this hell space and was now settled on my neck. I was in my body but it would not move and I could not wake up totally although I was awake enough to open the eyes and see swami's photos still lit by the candle. I thought to awake and then in moment of desperation called out Shyam and kept repeating it like a mantr. Immediately I was awake and got up to throw cold water on my face. What was that I wondered where had I been. What was that thing that followed me out of the space had jumped on my neck like a wild cat.

1975-76 When I was living at Lincoln St. Ashram Prem was there and he had fallen sick. I went into his room which was next to mine and it seemed that he couldn't take being with anybody. He had a very deep fatigue and I asked what the disease was and he didn't know. It seemed that part of it was the fact that he emitted semen frequently. He was enervated. It had lasted for almost eight months. Veena was in India ? Or perhaps still in Montreal. Later in 1978 in Kullu I noticed that his personality had changed and he seemed very devoted to Shyam but he had become a baby in his consciousness - a child, somehow. I thought recently after the sprishti attack had made it obvious to me that Shyam's nature was not prosocial truly that in fact it was related to Veena and Shyam having sexual level exchanges in the mind and Prem having to suffer it. His methods with me during the sprishti thing were similar, being my sexuals means running into the chakra and grabbing all the images and draining off all the energies etc.,

Remember Shashi and Giridhar having sex at the Lincoln street Ashram. I came in to the house toward the end. It was very embarrassing moments. The early days 1974-5. Prem and I would sit occasionally having a joint. He was very worried about the police possibly looking through the window. It made me uncomfortable.

When Shyam had first come to Montreal he stayed at Yashoda's house. In those days there Prakaash had been there and Yashoda's child Amitabha was still a baby. There had been a terrible incident said Yashoda's where she had been trying to hush up Amitabha and he had almost suffocated and Shyam had freaked out about it. Ever afterwards Shyam was always saying how Malcolm's growth would be stunted and all this sort of thing. She had left Kullu in 1980? And had never gone back. She and Veena used to scrap.

Vaani had told me that Shyam had used to look at his face often with a mirror often very admiringly. She indicated that he had willfully changed his look as even to say that he had changed his face. In the days at Madison, he had been doing Chakra  opening and a lot of meditations. (I later heard from someone who had been a member of the group that his techniques were livened up by gross energies. He would kneel on the back of the student and physically pound on the areas he wanted opened) He had read the English version of Vivekaananda's Raja Yoga about 20 times. He would often read a Gita press Ramayana that he had with him.

I didn't realize any of this until much later.

1978 First Ave ashram they have been giving speeches at Carleton U. and Dikpal has to show Shankar how to wear his tie. They do a play and Shakti writes it. She is telling children stories all day long. Chubby Squirrel, Blacky Squirrel--all sarcasm about the ashram and its operation. She is sitting on the back porch and tries to spit like Shankar does. She misses and it drools down her shirt. She just wipes it off and tries to laugh.

1979 -1982 in canada: I had gone through strenuous detoxification (removing the habit of taking valium) while I was in India. I had managed to dump the tranquilizers and yet at the same time I seemed to have picked up something. My blood appeared to be poisoned. It was a hard time for me and I thought I might die from it.

I keep thinking that I'm sick and that I have contacted some awful disease. There are no definite symptoms, yet there is a very odd feeling in the body. The intestines are a little off - or should I say that they don't seem to be working quite right . My throat seems to be thick or not opened entirely. The joints in the shoulder and so on are just not right, make too much noise and are achy. It is not very traumatic and yet it is bugging me. My skin seemed to have gotten old all of a sudden like the skin of my arms was parched. I was really petrified that I was going to die in India. I worry about things so much. Whatever one can be worried about I will do it. So many things to be worried about, not only my own problems and failings but the whole world as well.

25/04/79 Having arrived from India so very thin I've made a grand effort to get some pure and wholesome food together. My mood is elevated if somewhat blown away. The body is wasted and emaciated as I see clearly in the hands which are phthisic, dry paper-like. I managed to find Tofu and some descent multi vitamins and a few fresh vegetables. My brother's wife has been such a good help to me to get my strength up. Today I visited Lincoln in order to deliver some mail. What beautiful and loving people we have in Shyam space.

I can see barriers between myself and others in the form of my own conditions. Because of strong expectations, biases, preconceptions and judgmental thoughts,  communion cannot be very loving, not very Perfect Blissful communion..

I have been tired lately. My personal energy (kundalini) is basically very high. Today I noticed after particular large meal that the kundalini had been brought back up to the level it was in Kullu. Eating more and more all the time and exercising in order to make things go. It feels fantastic to be in Canada, so clean and neat and well organized. It feels to me that a large part of my problem with health is that the Kundalini being as high as it is, my body is being consumed viz Gopi Krishna's experience (although he was pretty foolish and I have no wish to copy him). Today has been a day for sleeping - I keep drifting into it.

27/04/79 My body is getting stronger and the cramping in my neck has stopped. As I turn more and more to healthy foods I realize how much I've done myself in with coffee and cigarettes. Making a very determined effort to keep spine and neck straight and to breathe into lower part of trunk instead of lightly off the top of the chest. This hopefully will do two things; improve digestion and circulation. Moreover slouching sets up a bad relation with the world as Ida Rolf would point out. Structural misalignment is not only a reflection of previous trauma but is also a coping mechanism. Bending the neck and spine prevents a free flow of praan and dampens the chakras.

29/04/79 I was in meditation and my aura seemed to be thick and gross. It was as if the physical body had expanded or gotten heavy, having the consistency of mud and that I was but a fine awareness at the head of it.

Dikpal and I went for a walk along the Rideau canal. He told me how he has become very particular about matters he will treat. That things of the world are very attractive but these matters lead his mind into gross spaces - as for example political thought or thought on the economy and therefore he deliberately refrains from reading newspapers and magazines and dwells instead upon a certain class of ideas derived from Swami's teaching. Further he said that many of his connections, friends and 'involvements' in the world have been dropped. Even fine people like the Ramunises were too much into the relative and that being with them caused a contraction in his space. Or visa versa. Nevertheless there are certain stages of Yoga in which one does get very sensitive. Its quite a phenomenon how we affect each other on subtle levels. Before we speak or touch or look at one another and sometimes even long before we meet there's interaction of the subtle levels. The mood and feeling of one person can be transmitted to one another. Even knowledge flows as we say; "I spent time with so-and-so in the hope that his talent would rub off on me." We are in each others dreams.

I remember what A. Said. She doesn't think a realized being has he power to have children etc. That's wrong . Of course they do. They could be great fathers if they wanted to. But somehow they never seems to get around to it. Not only eliminating past Karmas but also erasing the future. (pulling in the future). The destiny which is there in subtle form has been wiped clean. If this is happening to single individuals we have a subtle rearrangement of history.

Consider also the power of the eyes. I remember one day that I shared a room with Balaram. I had been waking up and saw him in meditation. I didn't know if his eyes were open as there seemed to be a light - a soft white light - coming out of them. We often say "I felt his eyes on me". It is said that if you want someone, say on a bus to turn around, then concentrate on the back of the neck. So also the speech conveys a kind of energy. When a man speaks he fills the room with his energy, his vibration. So in just so many ways we communicate on subtle levels. Not only this but there is body talk. That is why there is a need for Satsang or right company. For a Yogi it is necessary to stay with the right vibration. I do not intend that we should not love one another, but that one who loves God should not reside with one who loves the world too much. There is sure to be conflict.

Sunday Satsang. Restores my faith in the process. First a song by Shakti to set the tone. Then a little meditation followed by chanting, a reading by Dikpal, more chanting and some little bits of meditation in between. Finally some herbal tea (Lemon Mist). Altogether that's about three hours of meditation space. How very good for the soul. Just watching the rise of ego after Satsang, eager to mix with others. Weighted with my opinions of how long it should go on, how a chant should sound and so on, yet this is all supported by ego and has no place. Satsang space is a philosophy that is individual. It is an art form particular to each Ashram.

Once again i've been entering into a very definite space in meditation, which developed first during Pranayam while in Kullu. It is associated with form and feels always somewhat peculiar. It seems ancient, I see cloud like forms of black and white which fill my mind as if it is the sky. In it there is less identity of my old self and more of being in a new dimension, without mind without much intellection. It is a kind of seeing into other worlds although at the same time it is just going on inside the head when I go into it , it feels as if I've taken on a new body in that the old awareness is dropped and I become like a point in space. It is difficult --the job of a poet-- to capture this state of mind.

Developing a fundamental respect for other people - a respect that has been missing in my life. Now that meditation has progressed so much, I cannot treat the being as other. They are reflections of the Absolute, the Self which myself. Differing in character, person, aims or loves as we may be, it is one space everywhere. This is the reconciliation they are me and I am them at a very fundamental level.

"Just a transparent crystal takes on the colors of its background, but is no way changed thereby, and just as the unchanging moon on being reflected on the undulating surface appears agitated, so it is with you, the all pervading God." (3)

Having arrived in the West I'm feeling a tremendous sense of regression. Everything seems taxing, irritating - nothing goes right. There's a deep fatigue, coming out of the compulsion to do many small moves in order to set myself up for action in the relative field, that is overcoming me. At the same time I fell distracted and having lost the highly energized state that I brought back from Kullu, a comparative depression. It relates to the sense of doership. Without the little details to keep me busy there is less doership, less agency and more room for Self. But to apply myself to rentals allows the rise of egoity and therefore agony. But let it be affirmed that all good sense says that these things must be done. It becomes part of the cosmic plan that this body must be taken care of and that it shall not fall to begging or charity. Since work is required, organization is required. Most people measure themselves by work and its results, but the for the meditator his work is his wisdom. How can wisdom be measured?

You can see the results of carpentry in the cabinet, but the measurement of one's own relative growth cannot be so easily marked.

Once we settle the fundamental issues in our lives then we can move more easily in the realms of higher thought. We can glide about the space of philosophy on wings of golden thought. But if we dedicate our time to clothing, food, drink, work, relationships, entertainment etc. How shall we obtain to philosophy, or Yog. If we are forever involved in the domestic conundrum how are we to achieve freedom?

May 15, 1979: I'm learning more and more what is right company - who is Satsangee. It is to be with people who are devoted to the Lord who are pure in Spirit and in body, who think of the highest in nature and the welfare of the whole. Those who work for the highest ideals, of meditation on Oneness, of love for pure Being, of charity, generosity, truthfulness, non-violence, who are not grasping, honest, helpful. Those who are learning, acting and talking about the Self. When I spend time with those who are not connecting consciously with the ideal, who allow themselves to become identified with lust, material gains, power, fighting, killing of animals, eating excessively heavy or toxic foods

When someone really wants to Realize they do not want to do anything else but know Reality, be close to it. Not to see the next concert, or eat the next meal, or meet all kinds of people or read another book, or travel, but to run off into the desert to meet the Lord. It seems like a desert to the sense bound and desire identified mind. In reality it is the oceanic bliss of pure knowledge.
1981 Swami Shyam visits Canada: Arrives 1981 with two passports. I know he gave me his briefcase and his passports to hold at Mirabel international airport. I was living in Ottawa and I had cleaned up everything. Since late 1979 I had managed to quit smoking cigarettes, never took a pill, no grass, no alcohol and was vegetarian and was also celibate. I lived by myself at Osgoode Street.

In 1981, Swami Shyam came for a visit to Canada.

I went from Ottawa to Toronto to meet with him.

At the ashram he was just coming down the stairs as I was coming into the house. I stopped and took off my shoes and as I straightened out he was half way down the stairs. I looked up and he looked own and then at his companion who was escorting him down. He was part way through sat sang when he took a bathroom break. He came up close and he was still on the stairs and I saw that he had the satsang room somehow in his mind. It was like one of those mirrors that are hemispheres which are used to reflect activities in busy places. And it a silvery view of the room that he had been sitting in. He looked at me with some impatience and as if I had done something wrong. I couldn't quite understand the look. He went on into the other room and I went on up the stairs.

Taking a ride back from Toronto and we are following in another car. Shyam is in it with Ellen Reitman. She seems to be new around the ashrams and I wonder why she is privileged in that way. "Shouldn't he be talking to his close associates the ones who have been running his ashrams for him," I wondered. Ellen Reitman is the daughter of the Reitnam's stores worth $200 million. Her brother Howard and his wife Ramona became interested a couple of years later but stayed in Canada, in Westmount where I would see then occasionally. At this time I had a flash that Shyam was wrong somewhere. There were already enough problems in the ashrams to wonder if he was really upright. Perhaps he just didn't love me and it was my fault. Maybe Ellen Reitman is very spiritual and worthy of the attention.

I was walking in the park and there were quite a number of Shyam's there for a visit. As we left the park I was walking along beside Swami Shyam and wanted to ask a question. He just turned and looked at me. I asked, "I feel that there is a problem of conformity in working with the government (DND at the time). there is not much space there." He looks aside in the direction that I had my contract and then turns back and says, "Well to hell with them then." I laughed that he should say that.

Shyam returns to India

I have abused the word 'should'. Swaroop pointed this out to me. Should and ought imply that the current situation is not "OK". That there is a moral or ethical or logical demand for change. It is being told what to do.
Hating - weakness and wrong vision. Is Patanjali is to be believed (the section on powers is incredible i.e. In order to levitate just focus on such and such a thing)?. Vaani said she believes that where she didn't used to. She sees it in Ram's growth.

I had paused pen in hand to write a few notes on the spiritual life. For a few moments nothing came to my head but complaints. I felt so peevish that it was frustrating even my will to live. On the one hand I want to be free and happy and on the other I am constantly reproaching, criticizing, belittling myself and others.

What to do this isn't really me. It is just a bad mood. And passing wave of relief from some trauma long ago and far away, generally I get depressed afterwards, I wanted to develop something a meditation or a specific aim to relieve this anger or discontentment more and more, so I pondered on it and came up with humility, the anger was based on a lack of humility and a lack of self knowledge, that is highest self knowledge or meditation experience, so I tried to work with humility. No big ambitions state of mind

The thought of humility calls for a constant supply of constructive and positive thoughts. We cannot make ourselves comfortable with self alienating contemplation. This shows the necessity of working directly on our own minds in bringing about transformation. To progress requires that the style of thinking itself must be right. A Yogis could say to another "How's your mind coming along today." Answer; "Oh pretty good and yours".

"Really!? Yes to work on our own thoughts and self as highest self. Ones own best self. That is a holy self self."

So everyday I work on some thought or another as "I am immortal and free Being". Or this Self is absolute Free Consciousness". These thoughts get taken into myself as new mind or intellect. It is like building a higher mind within one's past mind. This is realization of the intended object of the thought. "be ye therefore transformed by the renewal of one's mind" St Paul

It is the spirit mixing itself into the modifications of the mind called me—otherwise we identify with the senses (i.e. Our selves as bodies only within a material reality given to us through our senses as perceptions.) Self observation shows that the modifications of the mind are themselves objects to an internal knower or the one who sees the mind the self. It shows the spirit precedes the ego—the mental waves of identification. The spirit is cosmic consciousness knowing itself.

I was living with Dadaji at the time and was sitting in my room in meditation. A vision of Manoj came to me and was going to say that I would be back in Kullu in so many years. I interrupted him. I didn't want to know how long it would take. I felt that I would get back soon and that would be my hope. Many times after this I would have dreams about missing the boat or an airplane, about not getting the lift. Still I endured. Life in the west seemed bleak and trying.

Perennial philosophy, Aldous Huxley's book by that name made me realize that what I was pursuing was a universal experience. There was a commonality not only in Hindu and Buddhist philosophies but also in the Sufi's and Taoist, and eventually also among some Christian mystics.

Carlos Casteneda. This retake of Don Juan and the Yaqui way of Knowledge made me think. They use peyote and marihuana to effect shamanistic knowledge and power. What happens if Canadians start doing this sort of thing. What do you do when you run into a man of this kind and you get on his bad side? Does that mean we should all take up this sort of thing in self defense in the same way that everyone is learning Karate and Gung Fu.

I did a Havan Ceremony one evening on request. I had learned this traditional rite from Shyam, Shree Yama —the death God. It was very energizing. Not a few people had told me that they got such a boost from it that they had stayed up all night. A havan ceremony is done with a small fire, some grains (samaghree) and some ghee. One chants the gayatree mantr which is from the rig veda and throws some samaghree and some ghee into the fire with every round of the mantr. After Shyam taught me how to do this one he made me a sort of official pujaree or celebrant of the ceremony. Before we started the chanting I spoke:
 

"At this time of year when the fall season is reaching into winter a new feeling is upon us. The tone of life in this period becomes very meditative. Just as the snow covers the earth and brings with it an even coat of white just so our thoughts turn from the colorful and multifarious leaves and we pull about us a coat of pure space. The Bliss of the absolute will wrap about us and keep us warm and joyful for the coming months. We turn inward, become as quiet as the snow clad land, we float like a snow flake in quiescent space, and fall deeply into the Self, the self peaceful without motion and without waves. To help us bring about this inner harmony we have the purifying atmosphere of the Havan ceremony. Agni the fire melts the rough and conflict-ridden thoughts and dissolves all obstructions which lie between ourselves and Our Self. The Gayatri Mantr in its rhythm entrains our thoughts and with it the soul flows into the highest spaces from which great height we see all in all, one in one forever. Thank you."
 

Now I had dropped all my habits and was running very clean. I had stopped every thing. No coffee, tea, cigarettes, reefer, booze meat, or even sex. I went without for nearly three years. But in fact in later years I fell off the wagon at times of turmoil. Yet off and on I would be totally free from any toxic input. Not that sex is toxic by the way. I'm certainly not trying to say that.

It seemed ironic that after I had purified I developed some allergies to many foods and had an increased sensitivity to pollens and dust plus many other previously innocuous things. It made it difficult for me to work because I felt tired all the time.

I began to explore Western literature very heavily after my last stay in kullu. I was longing to reconnect with my roots. One of the first things I found was Abraham Maslow. The peak experience is what we call Samadhi in the Yog. What we are doing is working on entering into the peak of human experience. This peak experience then becomes the normal for the practicant. One continuous dips into the space of meditation and the mind begins to take the color of that peak as its permanent condition. Next I discovered the works of Ken Wilber who had systematized developmental psychology and had include the upper reaches of human development according to Buddhism and Vedant (as well as other equivalent paths). He is called the Einstein of Psychology. These two, Wilber and Maslow, are quite important because they have made meditation very respectable and understandable. They have made Self realization scientific. The West, it would seem, pursues wisdom and values it more that transcendental knowledge or gyaan that India seems to pursue. While Indians believe there is power through knowledge, their knowledge is esoteric (secret) and occult rather than formal and related to an expanded world, rather more closely a power of mind, than logic or reason, ignorant of real historical sense, and given to promulgation of a sacred literature which is all tied up in myth, or to long philosophical considerations of the essence of Self.

Wisdom as integrated thought: historical and developmental perspectives
Gisela Labouvie-Vief

"Logos also means "word," but the term refers to the more conceptual aspects of words and, more generally, of states of the world. Logos derives from gather, read, and came to connote counting, reckoning, explanation, rule, or principle and, finally, reason. In contrast to mythos, it refers to that part of knowledge that is arguable and can be demonstrated and defined with precision and agreement. In logos thinking, meaning is disembedded from a reality of flux and change and related to stable systems of categorization. The complexity of mythos is reduced, canalized into single modalities, contained in fixed meanings. Ideally, logos implies that knowledge can be rendered purely mechanical, computable, and deductively certain.

Throughout the course of our intellectual history, there has been considerable controversy over which mode of thinking better represents mature cognitive functioning. In that debate, there has been a long-standing tendency to adopt a reductionistic solution by asserting that logos provides a better way of thinking and being, whereas mythos only constitutes an immature and degraded version of logos. And even though romantic thinkers critiqued that rationalist position, they remained embedded in the dualism that had come to construe the mind in terms of two opposing rather than cooperating forms of thought. This broad epistemic structure of dualism has shown signs of breaking down, however, and we are witnessing the rise of a new structure in which the mind is viewed more integratively as encompassing the two modes as irreducible and complementary poles."

Wisdom : its nature, origins, and development; edited by Robert J. Sternberg.; Cambridge University Press; New York, NY 1990

Our Western culture is transforming very rapidly now. Many any people have taken up some sort of practice. The Christian right has gotten very uptight about the New-Age crowd because it is so wide spread. Marilyn Ferguson's Aquarian Conspiracy became one of their targets. In this book she shows how holistic thinking had influenced and had applications in many fields, including physics, neurophysics and medicine, economics and education. The Fundamentalist try to tie her into the crystal crowd, the channelers and so on, but the reality is that she had popularized the pioneering in applications of a new philosophy or world view.

In the following quotations from the Patanjali Yoga Darshana, part two, the saadhana paada, I had frequently stumbled over conventional translations of sutra II 3, which lists abhinivesha, 'clinging to life' as a hindrance. It seemed to be uninstructive as staying alive is the while point of, the very basis of life making decisions, and was odious to me as much as to say, "who worries whether one is alive or dead?" By reading the dictionary lookups that follow sutra 9 one can get the full nuance of what is meant. The sanskrit is so much more edifying - the phrase swarasavaahee . . . rooDh, is like rooted in keeping one's own juices flowing on the one hand, but on the other clenching or clutching unto one's own personality—moods, sentiments, preferences, tastes and all. The words Rasa Leela the sport and moods of Krishna in his dnace with the gopis, is a good comparitive phrase to understand this. Because Shyam was commited to Rasa Leela himself with his mantra the madhurashtakam, he, with false bravado, waved this understanding away and substituted fear of death. Along with the videha expression of I 19 Bhava pratyayo videha prakriti layaanaam (becoming aware of bodilessness (i.e. sensing or perceiving or yoking with pure awareness which transcends the body) one desires to be returned to the comforts of being an embodied —but with avidya, asmita, and so on— self) this thought became a cavalier attitude to being among the the dead (bodiless, or dead - in modern hindi, as opposed to 'in samadhi' from the sanskrit), combined with denial of death, 'nobody ever dies', while those who failed the challenge (of bodilessness) were 'fear stricken yogis'. Baba Muktananda when losing his health in his old age had voluntarily entered samadhi and died sitting up and in meditation, thus insuring his complete transition to the other world. Samadhi can lead to complete separation from the body (bodily death) and this is where Shyam as the guru has avoided responsibility. With this he also avoids the dharmakaya (the reservoir of dharma formed naturally from the Eeshwara or pure consciousness) of the Buddhists in favor of the Rasa Leela, and comforts himself with the nastiness of the Gheranda Samhita and Shiva Samhita that having achieved the Yoni Mudra he is free to disport himself in any way in the sea of sin. All this I realized many years later and too late to save myself from the dreadful results of tripping along with Swami Shyam.

II 1 tapah-svâdhyâyeshvara-prañidhânâni kriyâ-yogah: tapah = heat, intensity of discipline, austerity; svâdhyâya = self-study; îshvara = divine ideal of pure awareness; prañidhânâni = dedication, application, alignment; kriyâ = action, yogah = process of yoking; union.
Yogic action has three components - discipline, self-study, and orientation toward the ideal of pure awareness.

II 2 samâdhi-bhâvanârthaï klesha-tanû-karañârthah ca: samâdhi = oneness, integration; bhâvanâ = realizing, becoming; arthaï = meaning, purpose; klesha = cause of suffering, corruption, hindrance, affliction, poison; tanû = slender, weak; karaña = making; arthaï = meaning, purpose; ca = and.
Its purposes are to disarm the causes of suffering and achieve integration.

II 3: avidyâsmitâ-râga-dveshâbhiniveahâh kleshâh, avidyâ = lack of wisdom, not seeing things as they are; asmitâ = the sense of ‘I’, egoism; râga = desire, passion, attachment; dvesha = aversion; abhiniveshâh = clinging to life, self-preservation; kleshâh = cause of suffering, corruption, hindrance, affliction, poison.
The causes of suffering are not seeing things as they are, the sense of ‘I’, attachment, aversion, and clinging to life.

II 9 sva-rasa-vâhî vidusho ‘pi tathârûdho ‘bhiniveshah: sva = own; rasa = taste; vâhî = flowing; vidushah = sage, wise person; api = also, even; tathâ = thus; rûdhah = rooted; abhiniveshah = self-preservation.
Clinging to life is instinctive and self-perpetuating, even for the wise.

Reading the following translations from Monier Williams will help understand the full nuance of II 9.

abhinivesha
application , intentness , study , affection , devotion (with loc. or ifc.) determination (to effect a purpose or attain an object) , tenacity , adherence to (loc.) Kum. v , 7 , &c.
rasa
m. (ifc. f. %{A}) the sap or juice of plants , Juice of fruit , any liquid or fluid , the best or finest or prime part of anything , essence , marrow RV. &c. &c. water , liquor , drink MBh. Ka1v. &c. juice of the sugar-cane , syrup Sus3r. any mixture , draught , elixir , potion R. BhP. melted butter L. a constituent fluid or essential juice of the body , serum , (esp.) the primary juice called chyle (formed from the food and changed by the bile into blood) ib. semen virile RV. i , 105 , 2 taste , flavour (as the principal quality of fluids , of which there are 6 original kinds , viz. %{madhura} , sweet ; %{amla} , sour ; %{lavaNa} , salt ; %{kaTuka} , pungent ; %{tikta} , bitter ; and %{kaSAya} , astringent ; sometimes 63 varieties are distinguished , viz. beside the 6 original ones , 15 mixtures of 2 , 20 of 3 , 15 of 4 , 6 of 5 , and 1 of 6 flavours) S3Br. &c. &c. charm pleasure , delight ib. (in rhet.) the taste or character of a work , the feeling or sentiment prevailing in it (from 8 to 10 Rasas are generally enumerated , viz. %{zRGgAra} , love ; %{vIra} , heroism ; %{bIbhatsa} , disgust ; %{raudra} , anger or fury ; %{hAsya} , mirth ; %{bhayAnaka} , terror ; %{karuNa} , pity ; %{adbhuta} , wonder ; %{zAnta} , tranquillity or contentment ; %{vAtsalya} , paternal fondness ; the last or last two are sometimes omitted ; cf. under %{bhAva}) Bhar. Das3ar. Ka1vya7d. &c. the prevailing sentiment in human character Uttarar. Ra1jat.
vaahi
1 m. carrying , bearing L.
vaaha
mf(%{A})n. (ifc.) bearing , drawing , conveying , carrying Katha1s. BhP. flowing BhP. undergoing MBh. m. the act of drawing &c. MBh. Hit. riding , driving S3a1rn3gP. flowing , current Katha1s. a draught-animal , horse , bull , ass RV. &c. &c. any vehicle , carriage , conveyance , car (ifc. = having anything as a vehicle , riding or driving on or in) S3vetUp. MBh. Ka1v. &c. a bearer , porter , carrier of burdens &c. W. air , wind L. a measure of capacity (containing 10 Kumbhas or 2 Prasthas) L.
rooDhah
mfn. mounted , risen , ascended AV. &c. &c. lifted up , imposed on , laden (see %{-paricchada}) grown together , healed R. Sus3r. sprung up , grown , increased , developed , produced from (comp.) MBh. Ka1v. &c. budded , blown W. diffused , spread about , widely known , current , notorious , famous Ka1v. Sa1h. traditional , conventional , popular (opp. to %{yaugika} and said of words which have a meaning not directly connected with their etymology ; esp. in pl. applied to names of warrior tribes , which also denote the country inhabited by them) S3is3. Pa1n2. Sch. &c.
viduSha
duSh is pain, miserable and hateful experience and behaviour, viduSha is free of such, and is a weak form of vidvasa or wiseman or sage.

Strangely, samaadhi in hindi language has come to designate primarily the tomb, while in sanskrit this interpretation is only an afterthought.

samaadhi: m. putting together, joining or combining with (instr.) La1t2y. a joint or a partic. position of the neck Kir. union, a whole, aggregate, set R. Hariv. Ragh. completion, accomplishment, conclusion Kum. setting to rights, adjustment, settlement MBh. justification of a statement, proof Sarvad. bringing into harmony , agreement , assent W. RPra1t.

intense application or fixing the mind on, intentness, attention (%{-dhiM-kR} , `" to attend "') MBh. R. &c. concentration of the thoughts, profound or abstract meditation, intense contemplation of any particular object (so as to identify the contemplator with the object meditated upon; this is the eighth and last stage of Yoga [lW. 93]; with Buddhists Samaadhi is the fourth and last stage of Dhyaana or intense abstract meditation [MWB. 209]; in the Ka1ran2d2a-vyu1ha several Sñ Samaadhi are enumerated) Up. Buddh. MBh. &c. intense absorption or a kind of trance MBh. Ka1v.&c. a sanctuary or tomb of a saint W. RTL. 261

Bad yoga practice certainly can be dangerous to one's mental and physical health. For example the Khechari mudra requires folding the tongue into the area above the uvula and this will certainly block the passage of air from the mouth and the nose. If the novice does not have the necessary sense of balance he or she might mistakenly choke himself and be unable to unblock his airways. What is required is a senior to stand by and be ready to do the equivalent of the Heimlich Maneuver to get the tongue out and relieve the air passages. There are certain points where there has to be a guaranteed trust between the student and the guru, and this is where Shyam absconded his role while accepting the adoration of followers not to mention their money. These silly attitudes were compounded by the shiboleths 'nothing is either good or bad' and 'there are no rules'.

One night I had a terrible dream which made me wonder about myself. There was a room and in the middle of it was a commotion. A piano appeared and a fox came in and jumped up on the key board and was walking across it making a tune as it went. There was a man who reminded me of someone, one the people who in high school matured very early and yet was to remain this way for the rest of his life, ending up not the hipster that he seemed momentarily to be in school, but became the manager of a used car lot. He was there in the background and seemed to be a benefactor in some way. There was a camp-fire in the middle of the room and in it there was life size Raggedy-Anne doll going crazy (really berserk), and the stuffing appeared to be coming out as it danced around in the fire. I took an ax and chopped at it; it bled!. It was a woman and blood had splashed on my crotch. When it turned into a woman I stopped. I somehow knew the woman. I left the room through the side-door and as I was waking I was asking in a strident voice, "tell me, where is your heart, Find out why you live." I was absolutely appalled. When I woke I started to wonder about myself and why I would have such a dream. After that I spent a lot of time thinking about violence and woman. I concluded that I should fear being violent with a woman in any way--thought, word, or deed.