Relationship

Lucy (her daughter) and I, went to L'Herberie, a vegetarian restaurant. She felt nauseated in the car on the way up there—she was offended by the speed of the car and I had to turn the radio off for her on the way back. It turns out she has fainting spells. Physically she looked strong.

When we got to the restaurant we spoke for a whole afternoon. I did most of the talking. Principally I spoke about life with Shyam and my visits to India. I sang some Sanskrit hymns for her. She sat through it seeming to meditate. Smiled quietly and appreciated me afterwards saying how beautiful it was. When I mentioned how beautiful her eyes were she made a gesture as if to tear them off. "Oh great," I thought, "encratic behavior." An encratic is someone who wears hair shirts. I had vision about it after. Was worried that she would actually do it. My girl-friend the encratic. How wonderful. We were talking about religious things if I remember correctly.

I told her that I sometimes wanted to disconnect from all my past ties. Just remove them and be free. I said also that I really was still a Shyam but that I had wanted to be free. I felt that she had the impression that I was not interested in Self realization. I explained the use of these mantras and a little of the philosophy of oneness.

It was getting late and we drove back to her house. She asked if I thought we would get along. I said definitely that we could have a marvelous time, if she wanted to put some effort into it. And as far as I was concerned she could pack her bags and move in today. I said I felt I wanted an intimate relationship and she was saying no that was not possible. She was not interested . She only wanted to be friends. But then she said that she loved me quite vehemently. I looked at her and she said it again. I remember her eyes were wild and it was a surprise to see this.
"Well then," I asked "what's the problem?"
She said, "Well not like that you know just spiritually."
"Well isn't that what we are?"

She demurred and then she didn't know. "Well I can find some girls for you." I was upset. "No I can find my own women" and that "I didn't appreciate the offer. I have many friends as it is. It's not a really a friendly gesture for her to offer to 'find' somebody. It is just not what I'm looking for". It was, it seemed to me, to accept what was, what came to me naturally, so to speak. In the flow. As that was the way it appeared to me these days. She was silent and then she repented a bit and offered me her arm and said " you can hit me". I thought, "oh great hit her on the arm and feel better stuff eh?" "It was sort of amusing?" Then it flashed through my mind that if I had to be aggressive let me have it in another way. I flashed, somehow, that the future did not hold to much for me and her and that, "why be so aggressive when you can steal that last kiss" Sometimes such fussy woman just have to be pushed a little until they get the taste of it. If you push to much you end up with a charge of date rape hanging over you like a sword. The rape of the lock? It isn't funny but in the fifties it was the girl's job to appear to be resisting and the boy's job to appear to be impulsive. Once the girl had assured herself that she had put up the proper resistance then both parties could fall to with gusto. This becomes the double standard date rape trip in the eighties. So I just held her in my arms and starting kissing her. She didn't resist at all even though it was a prolonged kiss. I was thoroughly enjoying. She was so soft my heart was in my throat. She was just passive though and so I just held her for a while. After a moment I went to kiss her again and she resisted turning her face away. I sat back in my seat and looked at her. She smiled and asked, "where did that come from?" For some reason there was something in her expression that hurt me. I felt off. It was as if she found that merely amusing. I didn't feel amused. I felt my heart was going for a spin. I held her again for a moment but then I was so tired that I felt shaky. It had been a long day for me. I remarked on it. She said "it's guilt" . Again I was put off. Guilt ? I didn't feel any guilt! It wasn't long afterwards when she got out of the car and said goodnight.

The mystery girl was becoming an noticeable figure by this time. I had seen her several times from the car and remember looking directly in her eyes at one time when I was just running up Grove from M. L. Had a dream about me at this time. It was something to do with a phoenix. Sometimes I feel that she wanted to be a mystery or an enigma because she didn't understand herself and she didn't want anybody else to do that first.

We went to film one night it was passage to India at the York. It was a good evening, we sat but did not hold hands. I had put my arm over her shoulder. Can't remember much conversation from this evening. It was pleasant as far as I can remember. We see 'passage to India'. In the film the British East India company has set up in India. A group have gone to visit the Malabar caves which are famous for the echoes they produce.

"The caves amplify any sound, reverberating a roar of white sound resembling the primordial sound of the universe. Mrs. Moore found that the echo voided all meaning of the past, present and future of her life. The echo disturbed Stella Quested's steady balance. Love and marriage were on her mind as she moved towards the second cave, and she suffered the delusion that Aziz, who did not in fact care for her in any way except as an honored guest, attempted to rape her."

"In the caves the indistinct meanings of India have agglomerated in a form of shocking intensity and exploded at the visitors with horrifying echo . . . indistinct meanings were almost as alien to his [Aziz's] fluid yet Western mind as to the more rigid mind of Adela Quested. What he has, and she has not, is some grasp of the nature of personal relationships.

He [Forster] has shown again and again his appreciation of how attractive personalities falsify themselves and show at their worst when they suffer the impact of aggressive personalities that are antagonistic to them. The minds of Mrs. Moore and Miss Quested, Western, modern, complex, cannot operate of the level of primitivism which the hills and the caves exemplify. The Christian God, whom she had worshipped with so much fervor in her parish in the Northampshire countryside, and who was once the source of her greatest happiness, ceased, also in a moment to have any meaning."

A Passage to India is not conceived according to Liberal skeptical humanist values. It is conceived according to values much better apprehended by Mrs. Moore, who is irritable, of uncertain sympathies, in her time of crisis acidly intolerant, and who quotes only one author - St. Paul."

Lucy: don't like India and didn't really like the movie, (aren't they all poor & what about the caste system) the night at cafe on Fairmount. We were going to the Rajneesh restaurant. I wanted to go there because I was beginning to feel that L. Was just a prude and had a need to liberalize a bit. It is good I suppose to be chaste. But she seemed to be emotionally stifled. She was not a virgin as she had already had two long relationships. Chastity means innocent of unlawful sexual intercourse. It isn't unlawful today to have premarital intercourse, although some religions to ask the believers to behave like this. Chastity means formally to espouse the whole idea of purity in act and deed. To declare chastity is to endeavor whole heartedly to keep the tenants of the faith. She is a Bahai. Baha'ullah had two wives, and according to some sources a live in companion, whom he had not married. So her idea of chastity was not that which was upheld in the convent, but a type of bondage that she had espoused in order to conform to the Bahai. I knew many woman who are very pure and very good, but are still free in their moderation. V. for example had meditated six of eight hours a day for years. She didn't drink, smoke or eat meat, was compassionate, energetic and a joy to be with. She enjoyed her life and was very open and very free. There was no sense of constriction when I spent time with her. But Lucy felt differently.

The Restaurant was closed. It was just as well. Rajneesh is not really my cup of tea. I just wanted to open up the conversation to that side of life. And so we walked to another cafe nearby, Le Croisanterie. We went inside and sat down and were talking. The occasion was quite pleasant. The table top was not very roomy as it was suspended over two wooden benches which couldn't be moved. I was looking under the table for room for my feet. Her knees were visible. I placed the palm of my hand on her knees. They were very smooth and warm. She then moved her hands down and held my own. I held hands for a while and then sat back up. We talked for a bit more. I remember while walking to the restaurant we were arm in arm. Holding each other closely.

We drove toward home in the deep of the night. It was quiet as we said goodnight.

We went to visit Mary Temple who gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear 'welcome master'. That was a bit sticky for me. I was amused but wary. We sat at table. Mary talked about Patrick, there was some talk about Vedanta. I didn't feel comfortable with her. She was not well established there. We discussed Alice Bailey. Her roommate had been very rude to her.

Lucy: dream about phoenix, at Cafe Fairmount: discussing Shyam. I was sure that L. had a very jealous nature which she couldn't admit to herself. I had been thinking that I wished that Gurumayi was the woman of my life and that this had come into my mind. I saw one night that Lucy had picked it up and that the idea really turned her off because she could not face any kind of competition. She had changed her line by the next day as it turns out.

Lucy had dream about me. We were sitting at some counter, like in a greasy spoon, and were holding hands. Her boy friend was looking on. "What did he say?" I asked. Nothing. Anything else. Yes, "you were moving my hand to the motion of the breath." I pressed for more details, but there were none forth coming. Oh great, I said, two of us staring of into space. Somehow I felt that she thought that moving her hand to the motion of her breath was a kind of manipulation.

I had called and was saying that I loved her and felt very attached to her. Suddenly she start talking about three kinds of illusion, glamour and then started to say it's my ego and so on. I felt cut and said we were taking about love. Why is she talking about ego at this point? She seemed to be so abusing their doctrine. Its hypocritical. We had been in the beginnings of relationship. I was really miffed. I felt she somehow betraying an implicit understanding and she had just written me out of her life. It's my ego. Is she try to tell me something? She had power over me through love. She knew it she was torturing me. Tantalizing. She took a walk with my heart. I thought I was going to help her with her problems. She thought she didn't have any. That was the problem.

I couldn't carry on and it seemed useless. So I called her up and said that I didn't want to see her anymore. She came to my house to bring some books back and say goodbye. We talk a little. I am wearing orange sweater. I thought it was great gesture to put on my orange (sanyasin or renunciate) colors for the occasion. "I should make my confession," I said meaning to talk to her about my feelings about it. I was intent on remaining friends. She interrupted quickly and wouldn't listen. I say I have a guru to help me put my heart back together. What will you do. She says nothing. It seemed to mean so little to her. I played a song for her a her request. I had been thinking about this before she came over. I wanted to be able to present something nice instead of just having arguments all the time. I played and asked her to sing along, she didn't . When she left she took her umbrella and knighted me with a wistful look. Before I said to her that I loved to love her. She seemed not to hear.

Hours later I was out looking for an apartment and she seemed to be sending out such great waves of love. I was really baffled — why after leaving her did she send out so much love. After all wasn't this more of and occasion for sorrow. I could see her through the space. It was an odd picture because there was a broad band of brown energy across her heart and breasts. I wondered about that too. She I felt was really putting out a lot of love but why? Didn't she just break up with me. At that time she had seemed to be quite indifferent. So after a while I just reached out and put touched the brown band over her breasts. That is, I touched the image in my minds eye. Or was it the image. I saw that her reaction was quite sudden. She stopped sending these vibes and then there was nothing. I wondered if she knew or was really aware of what was happening. I wondered if it was true. It seemed like a hologram. This hologram came to visit me. Astral projection. In the tradition of Yoga people with psychic powers are able to produce whole scenarios in the minds of others. The Indian robe trick is said to be like this. It is called Yogamaya. Called it the Holo.

TE: making up. Terre Etoile - accidental meet - make up. The next day it happened she was in Terre Etoile with Mary T and her girl A. I was just going to turn around and leave when I caught her eye. She seemed sad and eager to talk to me. So I stayed around and she started up the conversation. Mary and Amoris went on their way and she and I walked up toward her house.

Lucy: she had dream about being kept in chains in a cell somewhere. Periodically she would be fed. Occasionally her capture would bring men in to lie on her for their entertainment. The capture was her father. I see. How do you feel about that. She shrugged. I looked at her. Just a shrug. Perhaps it was too painful for her to discuss. I waited and she started talking about something else. Lucy: I feel sometimes. Image 'I'm a pink crystal'. Again she seemed a bit off. But it suggested to me that she needed help and was signaling me to be considerate about it. I was. We ended the walk at her door. By then she seemed to want to continue the relationship after all. I said I would call and watched her walk into her house.

I had found an old book on the manufacture of perfume. I made up a small batch and I gave her a bottle. I gave her a hyacinth (the leaves were mauve or violet) with it. I suggested to her that if she were to need to know something about true love then she could meditate on the plant and that it would tell her about love.

"Saving Patrick from theosophy" turns out he knows Shyam. The man knew Swami Shyam already. I help them move - they have an 'idol' on the station wagon, the idol on the car. Mary wanted me to chase after her son Patrick and convince him that the Bailey program was not very worthwhile. He had fallen into the hands of some American with whom he wanted to go study. The president of NE US chapter comes. He had come up to Canada on some business. So I went to her place and met the man. The leader was very agreeable and had met Shyam. We shared some good satsang and he appeared to be pretty good with his material if slightly side tracked. We enjoyed tea for a while and then I drove them up to an apartment, out from which, Patrick was moving. His friends had a station wagon stuffed to the gills. On top of the car was a female mannequin sitting in an arm chair and a large plant. Beside was a standing ashtray of the kind that you find in hotels — like a scepter. I laughed to see it. It seemed to me that their idol was this ramshackle thing on top of an old Chevy. Wasn't that idol Alice Bailey.

Afternoon tea with Lucy, Robin (a friend of Lucy's from the Gurumayi group) and Mary C.  This afternoon had a certain amount of charm. We talked about Gurumayee. Mary kept saying she had to catch a bus but she stayed. Lucy was very sweet on this afternoon.  There weren't many woman around who would enjoy a relationship with someone who's big interest in religious studies and who could only promise to become Brahmacharya. To devote one's energy and lifestyle to the pursuit of meditation and Self-realization. I suppose that is why I spent so much time with Lucy. Her dreams had said to me, "Yes I am such a One. Such a person who might care enough about the Spirit to try such a marriage." I liked the idea of having a child and I felt that if there was enough constructive energy in the relationship, in the marriage I would be able to 'afford' the energy to marry and raise a child. Look Simon and Mohani had married and had David. They were in India and enjoying the blissful life with Shyam. I was older but then it might just happen for me. We parted amicably.

Later I the day I went to Terre Etoile and ran into Lucy. She was working on the bookstore, labeling some of the books.She had some work with Stephen cataloguing the books in the library and putting price tags into them. I had suggested to her that we could do it on the computer. As we were talking Stephen came in and asked her if she was ready. I was surprised. I thought she had said she was busy. She was going to the exhibit Ramses. He went off to check into his account saying he would return momentarily. I turned to her and said, "I didn't know you were dating somebody". She said that they were just friends.

Lucy argues with Mom about her father. She wanted her mother to forgive her father. Her mother had to thrown him out because he had become very strange. Now Lucy had given her dad phone numbers of other members of the family and was in fact trying to bring him back into the fold. Her mother had gotten very irate and called her a witch. She then had proceeded to tell her to clean up and that she wanted her studio back etc. This meant she called me one night and said that she was thrown out of the house. She came over to see me. I said I would put her up if need be or that I would drive her over to her friend Robin's house. In fact I took care of everything as I often did. I was very good for her generally giving honest moral support.

She stayed the night at her home but came in the morning bringing her work with her. I felt at this time we cleared up many misunderstandings. We meditate. She has vision of Kali like red incarnation of woman as herself. She is Kali in red and angry while I was thinking about her father. I wondered if she had been somehow been molested by her father. She had started to envision red just while I had been thinking about her father. Strange spontaneity. I started talking about tantra. Perhaps she should work through this image I thought. Maybe in fact she would be better off in Tantra i.e. Tantric Buddhism like Chogyam Trungpa. She was only mildly interested in what I could show her about it from my library.

I showed her the Aquarian Gospel and she says how dare they rewrite the bible. I say nothing. But I am astonished by her feeling. Most people I know would prefer it rewritten. We talked about her dreams. I said symbol dictionaries are useless. There are no standards. We don't have to look at symbols as being concrete. She admits to speculating on the numbers in the dreams. About 396 it was given but about 1992 she had 'calculated it in the dream' I said there was no reason to wait for 1992 for her Beloved to arrive. I say many things about dreams that they are sort of Jungian type messages from the unconscious. She is upset because I'm denying their divine origin. She wants to see these dreams as concrete images where California is the place it happens and that is that. In other words signs instead of symbolic content and expression of ourselves. I went on to say that it would seem as if in her dreams no one is understanding. Lucy has this way of becoming vague when you most need to hear something concrete. As if you ask what time it is and she will start talking about how time is measured in many ways or tell you how to build a clock instead of giving the time like everybody else. I say that she is seeming to make everything so divine when in fact here are various areas of ignorance plugged into one's dream's and the tendency to introject as well. She leaves the table upset. She got up from the table I took her hand and asked her to sit down again. I reach for her hand gently and she lets hers slip out. I can tell that she is near tears. I feel that I'm a pushing to much going on like this for so long and hurting her feelings. I feel like I have been trusted with something and like a bull in a china shop have gone in and breaking everything to fix it up. Typical Sagittarius. She took a while to compose herself and in the meantime I went out to get some supplies at Cantor's.

I asked her if she wanted to go dancing and she said well we didn't really dance. She danced by herself. She gave me the impression that she was too chaste to go dancing. I wanted to do many different things and she never wanted to do anything. But that maybe some opportunity to do it would happen at Terre Etoile.

I showed her some text on Yoga, quite rare some of them, at least in Canada. There was a picture of Ramakrishna's disciples who all became very famous through him. So I said, not very seriously, if we can get to a position of love and trust, the relationship could make history. She seemed unamused, but made no comment. We continued through the library and were close together, crouched on the floor. I was really wanting to have some love with her. Just any affection. I pulled on her sleeve and she jerked her arm back. I felt my heart sink. She was a little angry. I felt that she could be less angry and more friendly about it. We went on and she was a little easier. Then again we were looking at books and she was lying on the floor and I came up to her and kneeled beside her as she read a paragraph to me. I put my hand through her hair and caressed her neck a bit. She reacted very sharply. Looking back at me with intense anger. She looked at me in a mixture of hatred and pain. I had wanted to embrace her, kiss her, and she was suddenly so remote so distant— like ice. We who had seemed so close were now miles apart. She gave me a wicked look and the force of it penetrated my heart like an axe. I had to go into the other room and I was getting depressed.

She had come to my house invited and was in trouble times, so I did not want to make much of it. She did not feel good to me, but I felt that that was her problem. She should work on herself, to to release it from herself. She could take some Gestalt therapy, or join a Tee group.

Later she was friendlier and we got along well by the end of the day. I offered to drive her over to a friends house to sleep if she didn't want to go to her own house. She went home anyway. For all in all it wasn't such a bad day. She borrows a book on reincarnation. It has phoenix in the cover. She has a dream about me as phoenix. Likes simple things in fashion. When she returned the book she just shrugged and said that she didn't believe in reincarnation.

Second day of work 'chez moi' this day we ate off the same plate. There always seemed to be something symbolic in what we were doing. Or so I felt. Part of the  progressive symbolic theme.the previous night I felt that we were really happy together. I was happy these days I felt like I was in Kullu. I felt relaxed about how things were happening. I trusted in the relationship and in love, seemed to be established. I felt that this was the wedding feast.

We discussed a fashion software piece and she surprised me by saying wait until January. I don't know if she was thinking I was asking her to get involved in programming or what. She thinks she can do everything. The time again reminded me of her forward looking replies. Was it this day she told me that she would be busy for two years? I felt as if she was telling me that she wouldn't have any time for two years. No time for love. She had such an insulting way of putting it though. It made me feel like saying, "well, why don't you leave right now?"

She must have picked up on it because she said, "Well, maybe by New Years I'll be free." I was trying to introduce Louis M. to her in the afternoon, but just at that moment I forgot his name. I fumbled the introduction and I felt embarrassed. I let it pass.

Later I showed some rare editions of world parliament of religions. There were many old photographs in it and being an artist I thought she might be interested. There was one photo of the Parsee religion, an initiation-rite taken by young children. On the third stage of the rite they are required to kneel before the alter and take vows without any clothes on. This is how the Christians used to do it. Baptism was done in the nude. I thought she would be amused by that bit of trivia, but she didn't react. I squinted at her. Perhaps she feels upset about her mother.

I went into the kitchen to prepare supper. She came walking into kitchen too moments later. I turn and feeling lot of love for her. Suddenly some flash crosses the space. There is something dark in the side of her aura, and I see her hesitate. Then I stop cooking, she comes over and we hugged. Physically she was very strong. A very warm and long hug. She stops and turns to the counter and she is talking I walk over and put my arm around her and start kissing her cheek. I kiss my way down to her mouth when she breaks away and runs into corner of the kitchen and she is like a kitten playing. She smiles and I wave to her to come back. I felt love was happening.

We worked a while longer and then she had finished her project. I went out with he and we walked down Grove street I had put my hand on the top of her head (I was wishing it was more open). She said to me, "don't" and got really stand-off-ish. She really was doubting me so much. A few moments later. "More contact. More contact." she said. Such a pain. I was going up and down like a yo-yo. I ask, "what is the matter?" She says that she, "just doesn't like it." I was getting close, but, she says, "more contact." At the end she calls me Mr. {my last name). She was distant, but made it seem friendly and cute.

We had had supper. For dessert I had planned some fresh blueberries. There were just coming into season. I made some noodles and a bean sauce to go with it. With some fresh vegetables and so on — it wasn't a bad meal, although the spicing was a little off. Unfortunately she was full before she got to the dessert. It became a symbol to me. First of all we weren't getting to the dessert. Then the fact that these blue orbs, were metaphysical symbols of Space — which in fact means the deep blue black of the evening sky, indigo. "no, of course we are not getting to this point. That is pure love and peace. We are not even close. She somehow is not recognizing it." I pondered on the endless combinations. There is no point in seeing Lucy if there is not going to be a long term relationship. If she feels that she doesn't like Shyam space how will it be for me. Bad news. Oh well, at least she came to the house. We seemed to be doing all right. She needs help. Many problems. Maybe she is just a little shy. She won't dance and she doesn't eat blueberries!

I saw Lucy on the street a few days later in front of my apartments on Brook Street. When she was a little way off she looked up and saw me and smiled. She did little jig when she saw me. I must say that she could really boogie. As she approached closer and within speaking distance she spoke, "Blueberries?" Her expression was a touch aggressive and somewhat off-handed. I was being twigged. "Yes" I said, "we didn't get to the dessert." Just then she saw her mother waiting for her at the bus stop. She explained, "We are going downtown to have lunch with my grandmother. To the Ritz." She smiled wistfully. And then, "I have to go." She went off to lunch with Grannie without explaining how or what she knew about my thoughts about the blueberries; never said anything to her about the blueberries. That was my private image. It had become symbolic of the teaching of Shyam. I had felt that she would have the teachings and wished that she had eaten the blueberries. This was only thinking about these things and when she mentioned them to me she had triggered the idea that she was actually participating in the psychic conversations that we had had. Or that I thought that we had had. In any case it got me started again. The dance was connected with the problem that she refused to go dancing with me. By the little bit of dance I saw, it sure didn't look like she was very chaste about it. That was really rock and roll. I was beginning to feel again that I should just drop her and that all the psychic material that I thought I was receiving was just not representing her. It was one of those days in which I sank further into the mystery.

From the vision that there was a brownish material covering he breasts there seemed to be a progressive opening of the body image. She would wear a tight sweaters or no bra and yet she appeared to more uptight about sexuality than a nun (for the most part she was quite conservative in her dress if somewhat eccentric and original). Was it me, the relationship? Or was it a problem with her.

The communication was strange. On days that I needed to hear something she would say them. Sometimes she would be just blowing my mind. I wouldn't like it but I would appreciate her in the end. Her speeches were good. There was the evening at Terre Etoile. I always felt that she had something to show me. I had decided that I should really try to love her. That love would win out in the end. That was all it needed. I didn't think of any one else. I didn't look at anyone else.

When she had told me the dream I was hooked. It was too perfect. details were progressive.

We went to TE to see a singer called Lucienne Evans. Lucy was being distant this evening and MC had come along. We were sitting discussing things and I remember feeling not entirely at ease. This evening I was angry with her and feeling like she was separating. Stephen Cross walked in with a date and looked over at our table. He traded a very strained glance at her as if to say "what's happening here" but without really intruding. I felt that he had already expressed an interest in her and was really wondering what she was doing with me. She leaned back from the table and away from me as if to say, "well I'm not so close." She asked him to come over and sit with us but he declined. The atmosphere was very touchy. So was our conversation. She wasn't giving it much energy. I stayed with it because I felt that I should be very accepting and very game about it. I was trying my best. We went to the top floor where Lucien had set up for her show. We sat in the front row. I said to Lucy, "Stephan could sit with us." She felt that it would be best left as it is. Someone was talking loudly behind us. I looked impatiently across and back. Lucy made a little gun with her hand and pretended to shoot the man. Later I felt like leaving and was about to leave. I thought to do so, but felt an angry wave come from Lucy—so I stayed. There appeared to be a little black person inside her head. She seems to be very angry. How did she know that I was about to leave. Was it body language? The show ended, but it was not too soon for me. I was anxious for the night to be over. When we left she went with MC and left me at the corner of PA fuming. MC looked at me as she went up the street with Lucy. It was a very sympathetic look. Or was it, I didn't know for sure.

I was fed up with Lucy. I was writing a letter on my computer to say goodbye. I had just started it, and was completing the sentence,"Well I don't want to be involved anymore," when there were two quick power failures in a row. The monitor screen warped as the power went down and I quickly turned the computer off to protect it. I was just really blown that it could happen like this. The letter was not on the disk when I turned the machine back on. I was very angry with fate for doing this to me. It seemed to me that I would just rather that nothing like this occurred to me. I had then to seriously consider a new dimension to this relationship. You see, the original dreams and so on, were now resounding to this new event. Perhaps I should give it more time. Perhaps there really is something of destiny in it for me. She seems to have the same interests. She is spiritual and she would, perhaps, want to make a life out of the practice of self realization.

TE: Lucy& I - Minda sits with us an afternoon at Terre Etoile - Mindy and Shyams - incredible afternoon. Turiya and Bansuria were there when I came in with Lucy. They were very charming and after we had talked we (L. and I) sat down at some tables away from them. Presently Mindy came and sat down with us -- an old acquaintance of Lucy's. She called L' an air head (to her face) and I took notice of her inherent anger against Lucy. They are old 'friends' and discuss how long they have known each other. L. is fully forgiving but her friend is sharp. I remember that Lucy on hearing Mindy say something mean just deferred to her. She should of been insulted but she acted apologetic instead of rebuffing her. She was also like this with her family. She took a lot of humiliation with patience or seeming patience. Minda was pressing her knee against mine and I was wondering if Lucy is going to notice this deception and get offended. She didn't.

I was trying to establish definitely if Lucy was psychic. At that time it was becoming increasingly important to me to establish what exactly was going on. Mindy is pushing her leg up against mine. I don't move. I want to make Lucy jealous and see if she will pick up the psychic component. I really wanted to gauge how much she understands, or how focused she is on how things are happening. The extent of her powers. I was tired of the holo by this time. I kept trying to establish if it really meant anything. The afternoon was very pleasant and I felt we had communicated some kind of love again.

The psychic connection? Under current, the thought flow, we seem to be communicating through the space. I tried to ask her about it but she said, "Well things just come to me." What things she wouldn't say. She wouldn't talk about it much. In fact she a very difficult person to talk to, often. One day, I said I would really like to know her and I hoped that she would tell me about herself. She reacted as if I was just prying into her affairs. She seemed to communicate with me through ESP. I don't like this sort of thing myself. If it were possible for me to read minds I wouldn't. It is bad taste. Invasive. People want to keep things for themselves. I do know sometimes know what people have on their minds, but that is more in the conventional sense. It comes more from knowing people. It's indiscreet to read minds all the time. It's even frightening to some people. So I certainly didn't make a practice of it.

When I think about somebody I often have a picture of them in my mind and in that picture I am having a conversation. After quite a while, I began to feel that Lucy had listened to my internal conversations. Everybody's thoughts are private to them and their own property. Anything is allowable in thinking and one need not to be responsible for one's thoughts to other people. So I first tried to explore this within myself to ascertain if it was good idea whether I should let this go. It was unnerving to think that my thoughts were 'real'. As if they had any power to affect someone. Were my fantasies real to her also. She never made any mention of it. It seemed a difficult thing to ask. I would dream that she was close to me. It made me very attached in the end. I was getting more and more anxious to get on with the real thing. The paradox was that the more I got into this level the more she resisted the real thing. But it still seemed as if the bond was getting greater and greater. I was beginning to feel that it was a sort of matter of fact as if we were really in a relationship, and even often felt that our relation was somehow that close that it would seem to be true.

People seeing us just sitting together would feel that kind of love between us. At least that was how it all seemed to me. People would ask, "Is that your girl friend?" It sounds as if I know what I am talking about here - I didn't. Accidentally meet Lucy's mother. She seemed happy to see me. I sent flower and a note explaining that she should feel free. The meeting with mother and other relations seemed always to be adding up to something significant. I thought she was happy to see me and she knew I had an interest. Don't mother and daughter talk about her beaux's? I was always hanging by a thread as if I must work my way through a puzzle. When I saw her mother I remember concluding that this was a symbolic gesture of fate. God! How awful it was to be thinking in this way. I was simultaneously feeling that this relationship was a waste of time and every little thing that made me think of her was important. I was really lost in the stuff by this time.

I had resolved to love and now feel resolved to be friends. She calls and thanks me. She comes over to my house when Leatherbarrow is there and when he asks her if she is a Shyam and she says she's a shyamite, like Christian she said (he is one of the people living at Hampton Ashram). I looked at her with love in my eyes. She made gesture of rubbing index finger with index finger and it seemed as if I was just fooling her, with the flowers and the note. The note had indicated that I wished her to be free. This was right in that case. Why should I stop loving her. If I wanted her to be free it was for love also.

She had dreams about being in a house somewhere and being captive (a king, or clan??), A Greek sailor came and stayed. The sailor had liberated her, helping her escape from captivity. There was more. Then it happened that she had met a Greek fellow, a sailor. He was the one who introduced her to Shyam. One day I put on a suit and tie. I mused about dress. I felt that Lucy did not like the way that I dressed as after all I was just about in rags from my days of poverty. I needed more money. I had devoted myself to my religious studies. My casual shoes were beginning to look like the ones you see hoboes wearing in the cartoons. I still had a good suit and nice pair of shoes that I wore for work. I put them on one day. I had gone out on the street and was going to go down town to find out about some work. I ran into Lucy.

We took a bus down town together. We had gotten on the bus and sat in the back holding hands for a bit. She was warm but rather distant. Yes I know that is a contradiction. Perhaps it tells you more about myself than her. On the back of the seats on opposite sides I saw that there were two words Fear and on the other Love. I said, "look fear and love, they're polarizing. Love and fear don't fit together. And she said, "no, they should be close together." I waited for her to explain but she didn't. As we came to the downtown area I asked her if she were very busy currently. We discussed this and she had said that she had to do something and it would just take a little while. Before she left I had said something like, "well your seem to be very busy, but you are probably seeing a number of other men," or whatever. She said that in fact that she wasn't. She left to do her tasks and returned a short time later. We went to Salvation Army (Alcan) Plaza where there is a small courtyard behind the Church. In it was circular concrete patio with dais about half a foot high in the middle. Around this dais there were five footings, but only four columns, without toppings to the sky. There was no roof on this structure. The four columns in the pentagonal supported only the blue sky.

We sat on this open corner (in the space) of the step facing out where the one column was missing. I felt that she must make some sort of decision. I asked her if she would come and live with me. I felt this was the last ditch effort. After this I would have no more to do with it, it just wasn't working out. She said that she couldn't live with someone if she were not married. I said that I would marry her. Then she looked at me suddenly and I felt that I had not known her before. She was suddenly very different. It was sudden. It took me by surprise. I looked down and then up. She was like a different person I waited and finally she said, "I don't want to marry you". I said, "Well OK I'm finished here." I started to get up and leave. "I've had my say," but she didn't want to let it go. She held my hand and kept me from leaving.

She then made speech about the need to live with what you fear the most and what you love the most. (which we had seen on the bus). Why she brought that up I don't know. Maybe it was nerves. She went on for some time like this. I didn't get the point. What did that have to do with my relationship with her. I said, "Let me walk you to the Metro station." Here she made a speech about the love that lasts. "If it is true love it really lasts." I countered with the thought that some love lasts and some doesn't depending, on whether it is divine love or no. Divine love is permanent love. I said, "ordinary love changes. It remains but it is not the same. Romantic love can be hurt, only love of God can be everlasting." She said, "it doesn't change. It would always be there," she touched my heart and said that I have, "a very pure heart." At some point she said she had to leave. I stepped aside "it sounds like your saying goodbye." No, she wasn't. As she left she stooped as she went toward the entrance to the metro. She reminded me of an old world woman beetling off to the market. I wondered if she wasn't a bit of a crank. I was very upset.

Afterward I had vision of her anxiety about Shyam. She didn't even want to meet him let alone marry into the family. We met by chance the next day, went to in King St. Parkette. I found out more about her father and mother. They had argued constantly since she was eight. Finally in late teens of early twenties mother and father had been divorced and father left the house. Before they were married the mother had seen the father push a man and had begun to regret their engagement. After the children had been born they started to argue. Lucy prayed for a sister — said she was probably the cause of it because the parents really hadn't wanted to go ahead with it. She would not give me specific details of what father had done to Lucy but I gather that he had used her in the struggle with mother. I felt that he had tried to abuse her in some way.

Her mother's mother had been suicide. But there was another grandmother who was still living who had given lots of love and support. Mother was refined catholic woman of Yugoslav descent. On a park bench on Prince Albert, I talk about myself the pain I have been through. She says that's very beautiful. She said that she knew about it even though I hadn't finished telling her why. She says that she can see it. She later said that she had told me then that she couldn't love me. That was before the goodbye letter.

We were in the car. She said, "You're special aren't you?" I looked at her and wondered if she really meant it. Or was she putting me on? "I suppose, there are people who I consider to be very good folks who are jealous of me. If that means I'm so special. Well I guess. I know that I have unique capacities. I don't feel so special. The opposite - I feel useless half the time," I said.

She used to say it to me, "You're beautiful or you're great."

Theme: if you want love to endure you have to meet adversary in yourselves. The beloved is not a man she says, story about her walking through the woods, I take her home, I ask her to make a definite statement — is she interested or not? Lucy asks, "Do you want to hear no?" I throw a green tennis ball after her. We met by chance and went to the park on King. We were talked about the beloved.

I say, "It is her own highest nature." I asked rather impatiently "I wish you would explain it to me."
She shrugged "Well it's not anything definite — I'm like walking through the forest and expecting the clearing of the mist where the beloved will be found (meeting her beloved)."
I say, "the beloved is self realization."
She defers, breaks off the conversation as if that is not relevant. I was looking directly in her eyes. Was she just feeding me a line?
Later on the way down the hill she blurted, "What about my gift."
"What gift." I said.
She didn't reply. As we were approaching my car I was asking, "What do you have against me?" She said, "You're not my type." "You're not the kind of guy I fall in love with." I was asking what it is she was looking for. She didn't answer. As we get in the car she was saying I told you so. I was saying I wish it were not so.
Maybe you not my type either.
"I could help you," she said. She was looking at me as if down a very long nose. Was she being defensive or just obnoxious? Her insecurity was becoming offensive. She wasn't offering to help me. It sounded more like I was a problem child.
"With what?"
She shrugged.
She kept talking down to me. I was miffed. Was she doing that on purpose. She was living at the top of the hill in Westmount and I was the poor bugger living down in the flats, with scarcely a penny to my name. Is that what she meant? I hoped not. She didn't know me, if that was the way it was.
When we stopped in front of her house I said, "Why don't you make up your mind. are you interested or are you not?"
She looked like she was going to say no.
I said, "Fine were finished."
But she carried on and didn't leave the car.
She said, "Do you want me to say no."
I said, "I just want to hear yes or no."
She jokes, "Well, who's leaving the car."
I felt confused. I let my head rest on the the steering wheel.

Although she says that she doesn't want me she is very unwilling to let go of it really. I held her arm as she was about to leave. She stays and then says goodbye, gets out and slams door. As she walked across the road to her door I throw green tennis ball on her lawn. She laughs. I try to, but can't. The ball is in her court.

She had left a study for me to read through which I did dutifully with some nice critical points and reference. The study was interesting but not well constructed and seemed to lack real depth of understanding even though it was quite novel. Of course it was just an under-graduate paper and I'm used to the best sort of reading. However I was once again feeling like breaking it off with her on account of the relationship with Stephen. I was thinking of writing a nasty note, and then changed mind. There was a empty album lying where she had left her stuff which was meant to keep business cards and so on, so when I took the study over to her house I left this album. As I turned out she thought it was a gift because it wasn't hers. I went to Toronto and came back with a car, an old Cutlass which my parents had given to me.

I was sitting at my desk at Grosvenor and I was just back from TO in a bad mood about Stephen. Yet realizing that the album had been a gift and not her's . She was loving me for it. I remember having thought just to give her something instead of just being angry, having considered erasing love from the letter I had just written for the article on colors. And then I waited until I was not upset with her. Just when there was a peaceful moment in my head I called. She said that she was tingling and glowing from head to foot and I understood that it was because I called. She would not say exactly why actually. I felt that we had just connected so beautifully, yet within ten minutes we were arguing about her spare time and that she could afford to spend time with Stephen. We talked about Stephen then and I pointed out that although she had been telling me that she was really busy she was going out with stephen to the museum. Further more I didn't really know anything about her relationship with him and was sort of surprised. I could hear her shrug. Still this moment of connection seemed beautiful to me. She never seemed really to love me as much as I imagined. Sitting at the phone talking and upset I have a thought that is key to what is going on. I feel it slip away. What was I going to say it seemed so relevant.

Wasn't quite listening anymore but trying to retrieve what I really wanted to say. She kept on talking hurriedly and finally I started hearing her again.

She gives speech about continuing to work in the world, and to follow Shyam. Recommends that I take a course. I should settle down. And so on. Oblique to relationships. Which seemed so disinterested when she talks she can go on for quite a while to get to the point. I was talking about tomorrow. And she was talking about the future. That relationship between us could be beautiful and so on. She again talked about personal freedom. She seemed not to want to commit to a relationship now. If I was getting the gist of message, it was that I wasn't settled enough to marry. She needed more security. She didn't want to make any commitments but if I was interested in her I had better be more steady. She didn't say this but that was the implication I felt.

I started discussing my commitments to Self-realization by way of answering her indirect suggestion.
"I have a very important and most critical central theme in my life. It is for Enlightenment. It is the foundation of my life. The work or career and the money are secondary. I know that I could succeed in business and in fact already have. My love is for the Oneness, Transcendence."
She stopped me.
"I don't like that kind of talk" she said
"Fine why do talk to me then since you know that's what I am."
She hesitated.
"Oh well, maybe I'm just upset."
She didn't say much after this and I she had to go.

I needed an apartment and I didn't have a clue where to find it. I sat down and meditated on it for a while and the thought came almost right away, "Snowdon." I went up there and got out of my car, and heard crickets chirping. I realized that I hadn't heard them for a long time. Not in downtown Toronto where I had lived and not on Major or Grosvenor. I looked around the neighborhood and soon found something which was just great.

While moving to Earnscliffe, my mystery girl appears, sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.
Meet S. Cross by chance in Terre Etoile and he hands me issue of a Buddhist monthly journal Buddhist Christian dialogue . How apropos. The issue focused on dialogue between Christians and Buddhists.

The Effects of Religious Dialogue

A dialogue with another person about ultimate values has all the possibilities and dangers that are a part of any real communication. It can extend and deepen a person's religious sensitivities, helping him or her to become more fully human and more aware of a wider range of possibilities for realizing the meaning of human life. On the other hand, learning about another value system may produce great discomfort by causing a person to judge past attitudes and ideas as irrelevant and to develop a new orientation toward what it means to be human. Understanding another orientation makes it possible to compare and eventually to integrate or decide between two or more value orientations. A person may be forced to ask: Which elements in my orientation are so basic to my being that to lose them means spiritual death? A real encounter with another life orientation may make a person judge that, though the death of a particular orientation may be painful, it is good to grow beyond it. One meaning orientation may have to disintegrate so that a new one can emerge.

These processes of change—maturing, death, and rebirth—are not separate segments of a step-by-step process. The thrust toward maturity is simultaneous with release from the old and building of the new. In discovering the variety of possibilities for becoming human, people can discover and rediscover who they are. Unconscious urges, as well as conscious images of life, influence one's basic decisions every day. What a person does in relation to other people either individually (for example, "my mother") or collectively ("the Chinese") depends on what he or she imagines these people are like. Images are derived in part from personal and intellectual experiences. To engage another person fully means, in part, to achieve release from some limitations by which one previously defined existence. Such release means that individuals are more free because they are more self-conscious and can choose from a wider range of possibilities. In this way, some students of religion seek to become more fully human by transcending their individual culturally bound selves

Understanding Religious Life, Frederick J. Streng, Third Edition, The Religious Life of Man Series, Wadsworth Publishing , Belmont, California, 1985

Nov. 8/85 I feel that this affair with Lucy is a waste of time I have dedicated myself to love and there seemed to be such promise in it, but she is giving me a very hard time. I felt her beloved will not come because he will not be there for someone who is sound asleep, even if he comes to her if she refuses to awake how can the beloved mean anything. I was at Earnscliffe. I was tired of her Beloved which just makes for jealousy. There is such a hellish argument when I ask "When is beloved coming?" She says, "I think by Christmas time." I say, "Great I'd would like to be there when it happens." She says, "You'll be there. You'll be a part of it." No amount of coaxing would get her to reveal any more about it. Very mysterious. Or secretive. Was the twin the beloved? I think the beloved is that eternal consciousness.

I dismiss the holo definitely. I am very angry that there is so much misunderstanding. Feel betrayed. We met by chance on Brook near Prince (King). She was now going to school to learn about fashion. At first I thought she was at Concordia but as it turned out she was at an academy near concordia. She had promised Stephen that she would help put up posters for a speech by Anne Wigmore, whom he seemed to venerate. We decided that we will distributed posters together. We got into the Cutlass and drove around Montreal doing just that. One time in Concordia she had put a poster in between the glass in a poster cabinet and just let it fall on the side where nobody could read it. She just walked away without looking back. We had been on the third floor and put another one there. A few hours later she didn't remember being there. Strange that she didn't. Afterwards we went into a restaurant and talked about things. I gave her advise on how to manage things with her mother. She respected my opinions I thought.

I felt that the relationship was a dead end. Why am I involved with her. It seemed to me that there were various strange events or coincidences behind my meetings with her. She herself had been inclined to relationship. Surely I was the man in the dream and that amounted to a relationship. Her beloved must be a prophet figure. I left my home and went out thinking there must be some sign, something, anything to let me know that she was the person for me.

I had felt that I needed a sign if I was to continue to believe in the love of Lucy Chapel. I needed something more, I was ready to give it up again to be angry with her and with God for bringing me this. Was I loving her faster than she could love me back, that she could return it. Did I really love her or was it just infatuated with the idea of love. I felt that even if we were to get together she would always just be unmoved and I would love her so dearly and she would never care. She was so busy anyway, and changing so fast how could she afford any extra energy for love.

I went down to Royal Ville park. I sat near the pond at the end where the water flows under a footbridge. It was late afternoon and the sun was shining at an angle over the pond, reflecting of the tops of the ripples of the pond and into the grove of red oaks on the other side of the pond. The waves of reflected sunlight which are playing through the bushes and the lower limbs of the trees. I sat feeling very sorry, thinking, " . . .if only the 'woman of one's life' came with a big sign on them saying 'this is the one.'" I hoped that she would come and walk through the path with the halos of light and it would be a pure signal, I would just know and not have to worry whether it is yes or no. A girl walking through the reflected waves like a goddess as a gift from god (the relationship). Then the Mystery Girl, the one who I had mistaken for Lucy comes down the path on the other side turns and walks through the very scene that had just proposed to be the one where the woman would walk. I was thinking of L. At this time. What a strange moment. Setting sun. Her face in the moving lights. Magical moments. The waves were a time machine. I can't remember details of what was thinking. Remember hoping to see L. Emerge from this light. Then this girl. She walked close to me after. I really wanted to talk to her about it but realized I couldn't.

Well that was a sign I thought. So I'll keep trying. A sign. It isn't. It can't be. It is. It is very painful to work with this image. But I love it. It is very attractive also. Such a great purpose calls on one to waste not a minute, to live the most intense life a life of one pointed desperation if necessary to get to the truth. Imagine that. It is proof to me that He is actually concerned about me. Wait a minute. No. No. Its not true. Do you really think you would be delighted. No person of my acquaintance in this world would relish this kind of thought. I feel that I'm on the spot here. Now I have to perform better because God is involved. Be responsible. Humm, what is going on here. It's just a coincidence. Oh god I don't know.

I was going to bank. On the way I was thinking I'm going to meet Lucy possibly at the bank. I was even thinking idly of some conversation like the fact that she normally banked a the B. of  Montreal. And maybe she changed bank's to avoid me. Anyway I got there and she wasn't there, but the MG was . This is another of the separate— doubt—MG movement in our relationship. I really wanted to meet this girl after this. She was with a man who was very tall and elegant. A light white mustache and is well dressed —I took it to be her father. Later I saw the whole family getting into a car. It was her father actually by the way he treated her (waved her authoritatively into the car). She was rebelling just a fraction, I thought an argument was about to start.

Mary Temple calls reminded me about the twins and the fact that she had thought that Lucy might be interested in such things and had had a conversation with her regarding this. Lucy  was expecting a man from God. The twin. (later note)

In fact, I had encountered Lucy one day and she had said to me that she had met someone whom she felt would "be a part of it too." When I heard this I said nothing. But from then on I knew that she was not really telling me the whole story. I felt I needed to get the story down. There was so much unexplained. It would have been clear to me what was going on, and it would help to clarify things with Chapel. We had met by chance, and had gone to Apres to sit and have tea.

Lucy, "I see two frames."
Me, "How do you mean."
Lucy, "I see two frames. One, . . ." she looked up, " . . . .and the other." She swept with her hand in a semi circle. She smiled. I waited but she didn't explain any more.
Then I said, "To me there is only one world and not two realities. There isn't really any up there and down here. Heaven, Earth and Hell and not really separate. They are all integrated. When the inner eye is opened we see the Heaven on Earth (the Hell of Heaven I thought to myself). There is no need to dualize."
She shrugged again. "OK. It just seemed to me that way."

She really thought concretely in two different worlds. I wondered if she wasn't somehow split, high and low consciousness. A divided self but not two egos, but rather two worlds. The sacred and the profane. I didn't feel to talk about it at this time.

I discussed how I felt about relationship and pointed out to her that I didn't feel that I was into the normal sort of relationship, first because I was intent on pursuing Sadhana and second because I didn't anticipate being into sexuality for more than a few years. I somehow thought that I couldn't promise that I would want to be having sex for more that four to seven years from this year (85). That meant ordinary marriages were not right for me at all and therefore I had to find just the right sort of spiritual person. One who was interested in the spiritual life and one who was not already celibate. All things being the same it would be difficult under the best of conditions to "find" such a person. She didn't seem to think much of this and only shrugged a bit, and said it wouldn't be difficult for her.

As I sat looking at her she seemed to be very remote and was quite cold. I was looking at her and she seemed to be going into meditation. Well that's normal for someone of my group. Meditators (well at last in Shyam Space) often drift toward meditation even in the middle of conversations. So I meditated with her. I felt a disturbance in my mind. As if her mind was meeting mine. Later I was telling her about my work and Hume's cryogenic or deep freeze project. I mentioned several uses for it as it improved the wear capacity of cutting edges. I was saying, "Lawn mowers, bread knives, razor blades, and then I paused. She interrupted and said, "power cables." Funny thing is that cryogenic treatment of cables do, according to Hume, improve the current carrying capacity. That isn't something you would ordinarily conclude from improvements in the wear capacity of cutting edges. She had just read it out of my mind. She had that same look in her face as when I she had tried to score a point about the correct definition of doxa. I was bugged by this.

When Kundalini energy rises, or when the divine enters the person there is a tendency to become inflated. The person feels that it is the individual self which is the divine in the sense that the ego remains intact. One identifies all that power and energy as one's own personality without surrendering it to the whole. This can end up in theomania where one perceives oneself falsely to be so special and unique that others ('The Other' of duality consciousness) are assigned subservient roles in one's life. It is all out of perspective. Often some needs are fulfilled through fantasizing about one's powers. It is often true that an opening extends one's capacities and clairvoyant, clairaudiant and other perceptions begin to occur regularly. But this increase power of consciousness needs to be accompanied by even greater balance and personal growth. That is where the Guru is very necessary for such a journey. He will deflate your ego when it gets to big after expansion in conscious power. He knows when lateral instead of vertical growth is necessary. He knows when it will be necessary to work on some specific personality defects or to improve some area in one's life. The Guru helps keep a personal balance and insures that ego inflation of Kundalini does not ruin the character of the practicant.

I had a reverie in which I was trying to explain my circumstance to myself. Long ago a column of people have set out an the great march. They are the holy people. They have set out in a column of history and are headed into the future, their destiny is to get through the millennium. At the front is the great spiritual lights of this age. Glowing if you only had the eyes to see them. And they are a bright white & gold like the sun seen in space. They exude an air of peace. They are marching into the future and yet around them a marshaled great armies. Of ignorance. I am supposed to protect these one of these men at the front. I am on horseback and I am coming from way back in the column. Behind the head of the column are marching the lesser lights and the devotees. The holy the friendly the beautiful, in many colored lights. Blue yellow, rose, light and ambrosial, finally toward the end of the column they change to reds and black and are indistinguishable almost from the masses of ignorance. I have been delayed and am thrashing through this red and black, thrashing and moving, fighting my way up to the front of the column where is my lord and master,. I am a warrior of the Sanatan Dharma . |Like the centurion my weapon are the arrows of truth and the sword the intellect. At any moment I may fall to the entanglement of the ignorance which is the reaction of my own mind to the density of the enemy around me. I toil and struggle many times wounded facing death, intrigue, violent confrontation. I am wandering alone. With only the "horse tail for a whip and raw thongs to eat". This incredible struggle in and out of the danger fraught territory is necessary to accumulate certain items which are required for the defense of the column. I am caught in an incredible dilemma. They are so few warriors like myself that the column may suffer heavy damage and fail to establish the new age if these items are not found. And these things are lying deep in enemy territory. They are like the jewels in the dragons lair. But I'm now most of the way to the front and the terrain is increasing difficult. All the way along this many sided path I have followed gifts have been given which are both for joy and satisfaction and for skill in handling this trial. I have new powers and understanding. I feel I have gone everywhere and seen every kind of man face to face.the worst and the most beautiful. And now it is nearly done. Yet it is still so agonizingly far away. The end is there but the final part of the journey seems a final impasse. I feel that the gruesome truth is that I won't make it and that I will fail to meet and deliver the final hope of my entire journey, and that if I do not deliver then the whole thing may fail. There would be delays and delays and the possibility looms that the column will be overrun entirely by the Monsters of Death. But again I realize that where I am not the only warrior and that where I fail others might well succeed. But I do not know if there are others. This is part of the riddle of my own self.

Serving and struggling in continuous alertness like a warrior on patrol behind enemy lines. One overcomes fear and transcends death in the service and protection of the sanctity of those men and the welfare therefore of the planet. I am the Indiana Jones in the state of higher awareness. But on the other hand I am more like Woody Allen. Even in looks. I met Turiya one day in Royal Ville. We went into Terre Etoile to have something to eat. She had been in Kullu recently and had some news for me. I asked her, what does Shyam say about me? She said he feels you are a new age prophet.

I told her a bit about my story. I said "Maybe God just wants to blow my mind."
She looked upset, "God doesn't blow your mind."
I shrugged. Then I dismissed the idea. Maybe there is a relationship here for me.

Gurumayi had not sent any note and had left me feeling that I was just being foolish to think that there could be anything personal between us. Then I heard that her brother had decided he was going to marry. I wasn't that far wrong, as he had been ordained and wore orange robes as well.
There are two types of minds: authoritarian minds and humanists. The authoritarian are for law and order. The humanists like to be free. These are often in dialectic opposition. Lucy's faith was an authoritarian one and mine own was humanist. Lucy was a church type individual, I was not.

I visited the Rajneesh restaurant one day and on the way back home I met Lucy in subway. Lucy, her mother and sister had been standing on the pathway over the tracks at St. Lawrence station of the metro. She came down to the platform to say hello but on the other side of the track. She was carrying a magazine and was wearing her glasses. She look very neat and tidy. Straight, very straight. "Why didn't you come down on this side," I asked. She shrugged, "Because I'm going in the other direction." I just looked at her wistfully. I thought to myself, "Perhaps that is just it. There is no explanation." I had said to her long ago that I felt that I was in a hurry, my train was leaving and I had to be on it. Now it appears she is not going to be on my train.

That evening I went to see a video at the Rajneesh center. I had liked Rajneesh's writings. They were very fluid and sweeping, circular. He had something of an unsavory reputation. A maverick, renegade. I went. When I got there I found several couples lying on a mattress. They were all wearing Sanyasin orange (the color worn by renunciates in India), with the traditional Maalaa or rosary decorated with a picture of Rajneesh. It was as if women—nun's in habits—were lying with priests in white collar and robes. These couples were necking or lying arm in arm while watching their Guru expound on the Wisdom teachings. They lay there in absolute dialectical dissonance. Neither understanding nor apprehending their desire nor perceiving the effect of their desire on their understanding, neither truly satisfying the desire, nor the love of the Absolute, they lay compromised before me like so many sardines in a can. On the screen Rajneesh was talking to a crowd. He was brilliant. But his gestures were like wooden. His eyes stared balefully at the crowd as he neither smiled nor frowned, nor serious nor animated. He prolonged the sibilants in every word so that he sounded like he was hissing. I took in this scene and in one sudden Gestalt I looked back at him and saw myself standing in the crowd and shouting, "You are an utter fraud." I saw orange robed devotees dragging me from the room and beating me before throwing out the gates of the ashram. I got up and left the center.

Two weeks later, he was arrested in Charlotte, North Carolina. He was deported from the United States, and was not refused entry in a number of countries before returning to India. He had passed through Montreal on the way. In India he had gone through Kullu where Shyam lives, and had stayed in the local hotel. Eventually he had gone back to Poona. He changed his style to Zen Buddhism.

What a difference there is between thought and speech. Being the intellect and actual being. It is easy enough to write as if you are Enlightened but not so easy to act like one is. Rajneesh hurt every legitimate new religion because associated in the mind of the masses with them. Another cult failure. Just like Jimmy Jones' mass suicide scared everybody so did this hurt the cause of Yoga and Indian spiritual life.

My friend from the YMCA and I were having coffee (which means that I was drinking hot water and lemon). Robert was his name. He was having a very difficult time with his girl friend as well. They lived together and recently she had expressed the desire to see someone else. They had continued to live together even while she was going out. Ouch, I thought, "How could he bear it, he is still in love." He said, "I feel that we are still together but somehow our time frames are out of alignment. I still have hopes the we can get back together. Somehow I think that we will be back in line with our destinies in the future and that is why I don't give up altogether." He was so brave and so dedicated to love I decided that I shouldn't give up.

Bucket man part one

There was a man who used to come to the Hampton YMCA and who used the sauna almost every day. He was very brusque and would enter the sauna with a bucket of water. He put far too much water of the hot rocks. Many people were not happy with it, but he would bully them into silence.

One day I was in the sauna. The bucket man came in and sat down. Picked a fight. I walked out. He followed me out of the sauna and into the locker room. He put his hands up to my face. "Sometimes it pays to be mean," he said. I stared at him. He backed down. I went and complained at he desk. About apology. Make it at the front desk.

Later I drove down to Royal Ville to have coffee. On a side street of King (where Lucy lived) I had stopped at the intersection.

Like Joe !@#$%^&* the bad luck guy from the Al Capp comic, Lil Abner, Lucy walks by the front of my car. She literally had a black cloud hanging over her head. I honk the car horn while she is so engrossed she didn't even hear it. You could almost literally see a cloud on top of her head. She must have been thinking some very interesting thoughts.

Oct. 23/85 woman in the rock The vision of the woman in the rock happened in a meditation dream. It was quite lifelike. I was wandering through a glen just like you might find in the Laurentians. As I passed through I heard someone calling out for help. It was a woman's voice and I was told that she was stuck in a rock by someone and that if I could split the rock somehow she would be free and would help me. So I took out my sword (which conveniently appeared in my hand) and stuck it right into the rock as if it were Excalibur. As soon as I did so the woman came out of the rock and swooped over my head. She appeared to be menacing instead of helpful. The dream ended.

I sent this letter, knowing that it was just a shot in the dark. It was hard to communicate with the woman. I still hardly knew where she was really coming from. I was pushing and prodding trying to open up the conversation a bit. Trying to get to some understanding. My letters to her show the tremendous strain I felt in dealing with her. She was very powerful in the space but not in the usual sort of key that I knew from my meditator friends. One day when I was driving her home she had said, "I'm waiting for my prince to come." The old prince to come thing. Anybody who has ever studied history does not wait for the prince to come. Still I knew that same romantic image. The thing was she said it to me when I was still interested in her.

I wrote to her Oct. 21, 1985

"Be all that as it may I don't find any good reason to carry on with this. I have dug very deeply to find something good in what has happened, but this is really not enough to make things seem better to me. We shared many things and you know much about me that other people do not. I really did love you and probably still do in some way. But now I feel that you really cannot appreciate who Nachiketa is, you really do not fill that role of love, that I hoped was the underlying promise of all this faction. It is the ironic or sardonic side of fate."

Your own true Self
Nachiketa

She called me.
She said "Who do you think you are - the prophet?"
I say, "I am a spiritual son of Swami Shyam and that he is greater than any Baha'ullah or any Bab!"
She is quiet.

She is quite unable to think that the tradition of self-realization is higher that anything in the Bahai faith still. I don't really know if you can compare Shyam with her supposed prophet of the Bahai faith. She wanted to reverse label me as not the prophet. She would not ever just let it be. According to Lucy's self-mythologizing she was going to be either devotee or even might possibly marry the next Rasool that is the ultimate "prophet " as in the case of Mohammed the founder of the Muslim tradition, of whom, according to Lucy, a Baha'ullah who is thought by her and the rest of the Bahai to be as great as or greater than even Jesus, and transcends Mohammed, much to the annoyance of a good many Christians as well as Muslims.

She thinks I am claiming to be a sort of Abdul Baha or physical son of a premiere prophets, with their "dispensation" or "God-manifested leader of the faithful."

I knew from my own experience that the question of status of prophet could only be referred to the overall faith of the children of Abraham. The minor prophets like Nahum and so on were not meant to be of such critical acclaim in the overall tradition of Judaism. I was still applying myself to growth and was not ready to make such a big number of myself in any case. Even if I were the messiah I would not think I am the only person who is capable of "delivering the people" from Satan and I don't believer there could ever be really a one man, one book, one god world savior and teacher. So the whole trip about her thing with Shyam and the Bahais was bit of a hoaxy projections of her own mind about her future status.

The bahais are really dealing with Muslim scriptural stuff and not with the realities of a unity of world's religions. I say that I see now that actually she never gave me any respect and did not understand me. She did not give any respect to the trip.

I generally honor anybody's religion on a personal level as long as they don't hurt me about their won faith and can accept that I have other beliefs that there own and can accommodate it quite easily. Nevertheless I do favor the philosophy of oneness and the y religious style of India including all of yoga and Vedanta and of course Buddhism in general.

She said it must be that we are achieving a mature relationship. But that we should not see each other for a while., But that she will send some good vibrations my way in the mean time. I say don't bother it will just confuse me. This phone call was perfect summary of previous months argument. Thanks for calling!! I was just leaving Van Houte when I see her walking across Brooke St. Reading a magazine. Across six lanes of traffic without looking up.

Be patient Natch she will take time to understand, time to emerge from the cloud of unknowing. She's in ecstasy of dissociation. She needs encountering with spiritual people and to absorb these thoughts and construct something more for herself.what she is calling freedom is actually bondage. 'You think your in heaven but your living in hell' - Bob Marley.

Oct 26, 1985:
Falling in love
Falling
Falling
..
Falling in love
Rising in love
Soaring in love
Transcending in love
..

Falling love failing in love succeeding in love dying in love
Born in love live in love separation in love
Falling in love
..

Well when it comes right down to it, it is not an easy thing to be understanding everybody's way or world views. Men don't really understand woman and vice the versa.!!

Brain, intellect and philosophies are not really the soul of love. It is in the pure love that the divine soul of love lies, and this begins to transcend the intellect into a mind beyond mind. A unity of being — that is beyond the words and what we ordinarily called understand love.

Ellla had claimed to be a shyamite but was actually quite against the guru. The same Guru message in to see if she would object. He didn't. She followed the Bahai rule and regulation approach and came up with their formula. Lets not even listen. I had had many visions and many an experience that might indicate to some that I knew god. And I did know a lot about such things. But I myself was not satisfied and was often far from balanced, not even a great state of mind.The question of my status in the spiritual community could not be raised beyond the many many beautiful people that I knew who were great in their wisdom and equally good in their knowledge and experience. Lucy had actually done a double pirouette about her own spiritual life.

Oct 23 . 85: She called me after this. We talked on the telephone. Started this whole thing with the long recount of the episode where she told me about the 396 dream. It was at that point that she started to cry.
She yells. "I shouldn't have trusted you."
I said, "I felt you hooked me with your dream. You somehow don't communicate."
Denial of the dream. You're not the one it was an old man with a white beard. Shyam has a white beard but he didn't live at 396, she hadn't told me about a white beard. She had put her arms around him. She had wished that she had never told me these things. She said that she had trusted me. And cried. I wish I never met you she says. Ego. Fear of error. Sardonic view. She had said that
 ". .  she is the ocean dissolved and merged into it and that I am earth and the she was wearing it down like a shoreline, the land, the castle and she is fluid and free. I'm the ocean and you're the beach and I'm going to wear you down."
I was bothered to hear her being so challenging,, she had previously made the analogy that she was a free bird and that we were like flowers in a cultivated garden. Sees me as fixed rigid programmed bound. She is against discrimination, order, the logical, idealizes reality. Lives in her images

I was surprised that she didn't just hang up. Began to console her a bit. Then she became very testy. And then I was angry and we were talking angrily. I told her she is close to god. She is close to me and I am close to not a few saints and I happen to love such people and frankly I felt as i've not a few of themselves love me for what I was . She could not be close to me if she was not. She said to me, "i've seen the blue pearl." As a retort This is from the tradition of the Siddha yoga of which Gurumayees teacher Muktananda had spoken so devotedly. To see the blue pearl is to claim that one has had the experience of god to a certain fine-tuned and subtle order of consciousness. It is said that Gurumayi herself has this vision. So her claim was to claim that she were as big a religious teacher and with the same attributes of divinization as both Muktananda and Gurumayee, which was just plain silly nonsense to me. Lucy had nowhere near approached the depth and beauty of Gurumayee and was only hatefully jealous by saying so.
She said it as if she was saying she had a mink coat, or better still, "we own this property."
I mention discrimination. Whole bodiedness. God in heart and head. Wisdom. Not everyone had the light.I said well you are close to God if you are close to a real Guru because he/she is One with Him.
Lucy, "sometimes I have knowledge of particular details of peoples lives. As in the case of someone's mother who I was able to describe without previous knowing or hearing."
She had poltergeist or as she put it "things would turn off and on and funny things happen". .

She explains at one point that she had a job at some art dealers. A customer had come in and they had gotten friendly. She had kissed him before he left the store and, as she said, had not even realized until 10 minutes after he had left the store. She laughed about this. She had been able to tell someone about a relative of theirs just by looking into the aura. She had actually described how that person looked to them.

She went on again about words, organizing, discriminating method, all of which she seemed to be against. She is anti-philosophical.

"I see, but you feel a need for something. Surely you can't just throw all of it out. We must have something by which we understand our world. Some Knowledge or some structure, or some vehicle."
Then she confesses: "I am ignorant"
And again she says it, "I am ignorant."
I feel that is just being cagey. There is a fact of the Wise of Divine ignorance. This is not humility for her. It is bragging. I feel that I shouldn't get any more involved. There is something here that is a deeper problem that I had thought of. I had been willing to make of go of it knowing that she is troubled. But now I feel disenchanted.
I felt like saying, "What color was the blue pearl?"
I said, "I feel you are not being good to me."
Coldly she said, "find another girl. "
"Really?" She took me by surprise.
"Why do you call?"
I really didn't know why at this point.
I was quiet after.

I wrapped up the conversation and hung up. I felt that by this time the holo was talking marriage marriage marriage etc. And I was very blown that it was not really happening anymore. I started to feel once again that Lucy is just a waste of time. I was then idly fancying someone new thinking if only I had someone to hold in my arms and so on. As soon as the image of me lying with someone came into my head I heard scream and high pitched. It startled me it seemed so clear. I was dismayed. What is that. Again I settled into my reverie. Again the scream happened. I felt that it must be that Lucy really loves me one the archetypal level or in her subconscious there is this bond between us that does not come into her mind. I reflected on the fact that I had seen that there was that appearance of her being dislocated out of her aura and was suspended in being above her own body even as I talked to her.

Nov. 6/85 notes: I would like to not worry about it, not to think badly about it, not to feel either is to blame. Stop abusing just because there is no love. Wasn't I trying to be her friend. I didn't want to end it on an ugly note. Alienated. I guess that I felt close to her higher nature than to her . I often felt that I was addressing a second level (an upper Her that appeared in the space). I have to bring all these memories into the present through just waking state of mind, healthy and full of energy,. Get in touch with Shyam, and Shyam space.

I was looking for a sign when I went to Royal Ville park. This indication was have faith in God. She will be yours.

From the I Ching. The edge of the bed is split apart. Going on brings misfortune. Beloved problems

Perhaps if she tells me that I am the beloved then she will be giving power over herself to me. Is she threatened by sexuality. With her father/prisoner syndrome. She with draws her love, she ridicules and is angry. Yet as I turn away she experiences the loneliness of her prison. At once she wants love and yet is repulsed by the sexual, yet this question of her beloved remains and further aggravates me by attracting me and then repelling when aroused. And her suffering from virgin /priestess rejection syndrome. The monastic who needs and yet is bound by duty. He is then repressed / aggravated and gets even more complexed by assimilating it even more to the religious thema. Suffering for the sake of the truth.

Yet both parties are almost convinced that there is something happening which is actually beyond comprehension, the relationship has itself become a mystery. Yet there is someone who can remove this mystery with the eye of knowledge. The perfect man and the perfect woman for each other potentially they both go to ruin. Because there is not enough trust or communication there is no resolution for either one. They are tied up in each others symbols and cannot extricate themselves. Each wants their symbols to be real and meaningful yet they seem to destroy each other.

I had heard nothing personal from Gurumayee. News came through the grape vine that her brother had left the Ashram (he was co-successor with Gurumayee) and had taken up a life of his own. He going to get married I heard. I wasn't so far wrong to think of Gurumayee after all. I regretted that my letter to her had been so forward though so I wrote again.

There was no personal reply here either, but the Syda Yoga center called and asked if I wanted to be on the mailing list. They told me about the Seva program in South Fallsburg and invited me to participate. I thought about it but it was not the right time for me.

Lucy had a partner in her business and It was a man. What was he relationship to him?? I had never seen her art - maybe I wouldn't like it. Maybe she would feel very upset if I didn't etc. I didn't really share that much with her I felt. Why don't I throw it in on this relationship. Neither friendship nor romance could work for me here. Meet mother, was it finished? Meeting the mother had become as significant as meeting Lucy called me one day and talked to me for a while. She said that she had been out doing some work. She was up on a ladder painting something and that on the way down a bucket of paint had fallen on her. She laughed. I felt that she liked to be the butt of her own jokes and felt a little disturbed. This is my cosmic girlfriend? Anyway I swallowed the feeling. How very Christian of her to be so self naughting. We arranged for a meeting.

Nov 17,85. Murrays', park and studio priscilla Chapel, mother herself and myself. At murray's. I had taken an attitude of reconciliation and was feeling very nervous about the whole thing. She had set the time and I arrived on a little early. Just as I was driving down Victory Street I saw the Mystery Girl and when I had park and was waking about near TE I saw that she had come around the block and was looking at me. I felt it was a token and it made me feel easy somehow. I stood on the corner waiting for Lucy to show up and was feeling like she was already there. I wanted to meet her outside. She came out and put her arm about my waist and scooped me into the restaurant. That was surprisingly friendly. Her mother and sister were having Christmas pudding, as was the family thing at that time of year. Near Christmas. We talked at the table. Her sister was not exactly ebullient seemed to give Lucy a hard time. She deferred to them. She had had some beet extract which she was taking for her liver. It was significant to me because it reminded me of a conversation we had had about health. Her mother and sister didn't give me much energy. I felt like I was alone a the table but still making polite conversation. Priscilla seemed less that happy to be sharing Christmas pudding with us. I didn't feel that she liked her sister. Her mother was attempting to communicate. Later Lucy and I went for a walk.

Discussing signs etc later as we went to W. Park she was saying I'm not used to this sort of thing. (she had implied strongly that she didn't feel comfortable in relationship and didn't know much about it). I didn't really understand the intended antecedent to that . What sort of thing. I remember saying that I didn't feel particularly easy about it. I let her talk. She started saying a few things which I don't remember. She was explaining her growth and her feelings. She said that she blew people's mind that she could concentrate so long. I felt that she was putting a little to much energy into it. But that perhaps she was just nervous and was therefore trying to say it too forcefully. There was anger behind it. And ego. She went on to talk about relationship and as we came out of the park we were discussing the synchronicities that had happened. She didn't know and I didn't know really either. I said that we need something outside ourselves in order to see the situation clearly. I suggested writing to Shyam and asking him how he felt about it. She said nothing for a while after this while getting in the car she made the comment. Why write to the king when the queen is sitting right beside you. Her little conceit got on my nerve. Now I offered to take her to the studio and as we were going she mentioned the fact that she didn't need to sleep very much. I said that my future lies in teaching. That's great she thought. The Bahais feel that teaching is good work. She was talking, "so will both have 50 say people, and you'll have fifty and i'll have fifty." I didn't know which was more important. For her to teach and have as many students, or the teaching. I squinted at her. Then I just shrugged . And there she sort of petered off. "I don't know," and then not much more about it. I felt that she was worthless to me and I shouldn't trust in her. But was she proposing a marriage now. She offers to bring me up to her studio and shows me all her art work. It's good enough original and well executed. There was some sketches of her friends and family including one of her brother. She emitted a vibration of love toward him . I really felt it and I immediately realized that she had never even gotten close to that feeling with her. I stayed for a while. Then I said I had to go. AS I was picking up to go, I looked at her. She was still bent over her portfolio. I saw that same thing that I had seen at Terre Etoile the might that Evans had sung. It was as if a suddenly darkening mood had gathered inside her and was visible as a form of someone in dark in vague outlines and about four or five inches projected from inside the head. It was like a holograph inside, a dark doll like thing. Just for a flash and then it was gone. So she accompanied me down to the front steps. We talked more down there. I asked her if she had more time to see me. I was talking about her thing about chastity. I mentioned to her that {reference deleted} and I had made love and we were probably better friends for it. I said to her that if we had had sex in the beginning we probably would be just the friends that you want. Our whole relationship would be easier. she smiled at this and I could see her look at me as if she were suddenly woman and much deeper than I had seen her before. She blushed a little I think which is a rare moment in her sang froid life.Lucy gave me a look that I had only seen once before. It was the same as when I asked her to come and live with me. Her energy changed from cute little fluff to total woman. It was remarkable change in state. It was the real person. Then I don't know why I said it, but I did. I told her I loved her. She hesitated and then smiled. She leaned down (she was standing uphill on the stairs) and leaned on me. She was going to talk and then stopped. "I almost said something." She mumbled. "I wish you would." Then she said she 'accepted' and hugged me. I felt the warmth or her breast on her forearm and a whole feeling of missing and frustration and love were all mixed for a moment. I gripped her elbow and said we really must spend some more time together. "No, no, I'm really busy," she said. I was angry. I said some angry things about her unavailability. She was standing at the highest point in the stairway and looking down on me. But still two minutes later we were arguing again.I wondered about her then. I said to her, "I feel you have a coffee table version of romance," as I walked down the stairs. I said to her that you are going to cry when you see what you are really doing, when you find out what is really happening. She did not reply and she just looked a little sad. I left.

I had a series of visions over a period of a week. I was still trying to get my business going and was spending a lot of time on it. The royal wedding bonds. I was once again in armour. I was with a group of some sort perhaps a delegation of monarchial representatives and we were on horses on one side of a valley. There came a great host in white and then a rider came out to meet me in the valley. I rode down and was presented to a woman. Bugles were played in heaven and I was made to take an oath. Will you promise to take care of this woman well? I certainly would I replied. Then I was given her in marriage. When I came out of this one I remember thinking that it was not the way I really like to see things, as if it weren't my kind of fantasy.

A woman naked to the waist and wearing a skirt. She was of red brown disposition and her hands were in fists. Her breasts were pouring out milk in two streams. I felt that it was Lakshmi. Red Lakshmi. Angry mother.

Another vision; I see arms reaching down into the water, she pulls out a fish, she kisses it and pats it, she is still holding it when someone approaches. I see from this new viewpoint that it is a still small pond that she is leaning over, she wears a white blouse styled like a wife of Windsor, her breasts are large and exposed in leaning over, she looks up at the approaching stranger. I see his back, she puts the fish down and gazes at him warily. There is distrust in her face.

An angel or a form of a woman appears suspended in mid air and uses my solar plexus as fire stick. Her two hands have taken the internal nadis or lines of energy in my abdomen and roll them back and forth in the palms. Suddenly I see a yellow triangle which I realize to be the Muladhara chakr, at the base of the spine. This complex is where the Kundalini or vital energy is roote. The life. That spiritual energy which when released give s the Yogi his tremendous vision and power. I feel that the form of the woman must be Lucy but I don't know.

I don't know why but I wrote to Shyam. It was because on the day that Lucy and I had talked after having met at Murray's I had said to her that I wished to understand the unusual events that had begun to gather around this relationship. Why didn't I just let it all go? She had accepted my love and she seemed even to be contemplating a long-term relationship. I had felt that she had problems and that she needed to work through these problems in order to really make the relationship work. There was the "sign" and so on going on an yet she seemed indifferent to love. Was she really in a stage of detachment, or was she having emotional difficulties and so could not relate as well as she liked to? There were so many questions about it. What about he dreams? Didn't they indicate a very deep interest in me and my work. I loved the idea that I would have a companion that would be interested in my spiritual work.

I send a letter to Shyam asking for clarification. Clear 108. I had gone down to see Madhurima as she was just on her way to India. She was in very beautiful space. I remember telling her about L. And seeing what was her reaction. She was sympathetic. She gave me some very nice vibrations which boosted me no a little as by now I was feeling extra bad and stressed out over L. I gave her my letter to Swami and asked her to make sure that it was given to him as soon as possible and if she would especially note that it was from me and that I would certainly like to hear from him. On the way home I was turning of S. South and I was held up by and old chevy with the licence plate in the back window the plate was CLR 108 I thought clear 108. 108 is the sacred number, the number of beads on my Maalaa. Clear 108 is certainly it. I laughed when I saw it. I was relieved to have passed my stuff up to the big one. Just getting a reading in india can be an answer to a prayer.

Little red riding hood at the YMCA. I met as woman who was very sympathetic to me. I didn't have alove interest in her at the time and it was easy for me to manage. The thing with Lucy was getting too intense and I was beginning to really suffer with it. So this woman who wore a long coat of dark pink with a hood, and who reminded me of the fable little pink riding hood (you know the one).

Bucket man 2.

He comes in again. Complains about gossip about him. I stare him down. He leaves. Again I complain. He says he is going to bring his friends. To help put me down. I go to the desk and complain.

Nov. 27/85. At last I have seen through to a level of peace. The overcast has been dispelled and new light entered . We were working on something very fundamental and this two primary themes for self struggle were merged into one story. So that we could work it out on each other. I felt pretty free at this point thinking there was some purpose in the story as I felt that otherwise it was completely pointless. Something very fundamental in my heart had been changed completely. The child in me was taking a severe beating and I felt that part of me was being removed. It was a simple minded credibility or some naiveté toward love. Someone once said to me, "Do you fall do you fall." Yes I retorted unfortunately I do.

The angel of Krishna fills up my heart with a ray. I cry. Keep saying yes to the no, man, become one beyond yes and no. Which is both. Had many visions about the tongue and throat chakra. Had elaborate vision about having a red aura inside the normal one but with a silver collar around the throat. The rest of aura (outside bubble was very dark.) Felt angel stick his tongue into my ear and it went down to my penis and filled it up. Later I felt that I should do kechari mudra (a very powerful but very strange maneuver for Hatha Yog where the tongue is folded back to block the passages from the nose) for some reason.

One time I saw armies coming out of Lucy's head. She was like a sort of cleopatra. Or she could motivate men to fight. I imagined putting them back inside and chastising her for going to war .

She calls, "Its the end." "Get another girlfriend." She is going out with another guy from Toronto. I ask, "how long?" She says, "its recent." I'm feeling really bad. I've so misjudged. She tells me that she is always having things like this happen to her. The guys have some certain feeling that she is the "one," which means the cosmic one or twin. Signs seem to happen. She hates this sort of thing. I say that I'm sorry . I didn't know. She's just so anti anti everything that I'm doing. She is turning out to be just totally contrary. At this point I really feel at a loss. I say, "I think you must have given me a metaphysical disease. This sort of thing never happens to me." I say, " . . . that it just seemed so real to me. All the things that were happening were so divine and so frequent that I felt genuinely that something was happening."

I hang up.

She hadn't indicated in any way that she had had a relationship interest on the go. It was especially difficult situation for me since I had just sent a letter to Shyam asking him what he thought about me marrying her. I thought that there must be more to it than she had told me. For better or for worse however I had already decided that I would wait until Christmas time to see what would happen. This is when she had expected her beloved to materialize whatever that might mean. I didn't now know. It was very frustrating for me since I had tied all this in with my feelings for God and in fact when I had asked for a sign I had actually got one.

I saw Christian. He was at the Hampton Ashram. I asked if he knew Lucy and he did. He had been living with Subbodh at the time and Lucy had come over to visit him. He was of the opinion that she was a teaser, making many a subtle offering but not 'coming across'. At one point he had leaned over her unto a wall and with his arm over her shoulder framing a pocket containing her, had asked her what she wanted. Do you ever climax he had asked. He was pretty blunt. She had stayed too late, well for his taste anyway.

Christian told me about Ricardo (called Ricky ). It seemed that this fellow had taken an interest in Lucy and she had played him on. Christen said that he had gone to India and had tried to make money on a dope deal, and had ended up in jail. He did this, said Christien, because he believed that Lucy wouldn't marry him unless he had money. He needed the money to marry her.

Christmas time. I had waited as long as I could. Someone had come back from India and there had been no letter from Shyam. Now I called up still hoping, I suppose, that things might change. She wasn't really my kind of person I felt, but I suppose that she might be in the end a great wife! God Knows. I had to try. I was feeling quite confused and getting very tired.

The reason that I waited until this time was because earlier she had mentioned the Beloved would be here by Christmas. That cosmic thing could have happened and there would be something concrete to talk about. We agreed to meet at Encore Un Fois Restaurant.

Conversation at EUF. Xmas conversation.
Me. "I hope that you continue with your Self Realization "
Lucy. No Comment. She just shrugged.
M. "You have kept me going all this time.Didn't you know that I was attracted to you? Don't you know that you are attractive?"
L. "No. Not particularly."
I tell her she is attractive and she should know it. Reflecting on Annalee's comment that every woman knows exactly how attractive they are.
I asked about Ricardo. But in fact Lucy couldn't even remember his name. L. Denied any such encounter and did not recognize the name.
M. "Didn't you know that I was hurting about this?"
L. She shrugged, "Yes I know."
She knew and she just shrugged!
Now she had again implied that we weren't equal. When she asked about the power I had just said to her that she was worried about being overpowered as she had been in the past and that it would pass. Christ I give up. What's with her, "not equal" thing.
"you've conquered Genghis Khan," I said.
I tell her that I was faithful to her . She says that she is sorry.and shrugs, just dismisses it.
I said I loved her so much and wondering why she is not interested.
Nothing.
"It was my birthday in November, I have just turned forty."

She didn't know how old I was. She is like a stranger. I say so. She cries. I touch her arm. She notices only after a long time that I am holding her arm. She is startled and draws back. I was connected with two frames of previous conversations. I said well that's the end. What next. She shrugs. She says well maybe I could call you from time to time and ask your advice. We were just standing up to leave.
"Well maybe."
"What about the power?" She asks all of a sudden. I brush it off. I should have asked what she meant. But I was afraid to find out. Later walking up the hill the father of the mystery girl walks by. I practically shout, " That's him."
I asked Lucy if she knew the girl and mention that I thought it looked so much like her, it might be her sister. No she doesn't know anyone who lives there.

We continue up the hill. The sidewalk is going by very slowly.

She mentions then that the reason the boyfriend is "the right guy is because when she thinks of him she feels surrounded with love." She feels that she is in a sort of blue bubble and it is joyful. She tells me that she had had this ray with the boyfriend in TO for six months putting it back to the mid -July or so. I sucked in my breath. She has been thinking of this guy since the summer! I started to cry and could hardly catch my breath. She says "inhale deeply" which is something I have occasionally thought for her as I saw her go through anxiety. It could have been that way with us. If you would only work on it a little. She had had this same thing going with the new one since the middle of June. She just knew he would be the right guy. The right type. I could just see her lying on her chaise longe wrapped inside a blue bubble of romantic fantasy.

I turn to leave. God how awful. Let me get away from here. I had got across the street when she stamps foot on ground and yells, "come back here." If I wasn't shocked already, I was now. She turns and looks down the street and changes that to "your beautiful." I see that her brother Andrew is coming up the street.

The "you're beautiful" seemed so incongruous. So I said it to her also. "you're beautiful too." I knew what that really represented. "To Hell with you." It seemed so ridiculous to be saying it but I just thought to give her back the same nonsense that she gave to me. I went home crying to myself. I was totally embarrassed. I was saying to myself over and over again. "How awful. How awful" and shaking my head. She had told me her boyfriend was coming for Christmas. I thought to myself, as I was at home at the same time pretty much alone, and pondering how I had supposed that it was the beloved that was to arrive by Christmas time and at that very moment her new boyfriend and her were at home celebrated domestic bliss while I ate the humble pie of destiny.

Well it didn't work. This relationship was just a failure and an utter pain. The girl does not care for me, she doesn't love me. She treats me badly, despite all my hopes to avoid such a trip it has happened again, this time fraught with many beautiful and divine symbols . It still hurts me to think about it, particularly that it seemed to me a relationship ringed about by God and special signs. It even seemed to happen that in the morning I was saying that if I was to continue I would certainly need a sign and in the afternoon it would seem to happen. If it was not god then why am I doing it to myself? I had felt so loved by god when it was happening and so unloved by him when it failed. It felt like mockery and mere cruelty. There's the misery of it. I do not want that to happen to my feelings about god. If it is not Him then it is just me and I am not worth anything to anybody. It hurts me so much. And what terrible circumstances. I put all my trust in this relationship. I should have left long ago but I put my trust in God. Now I see that it could not have been real love and it could not have been God. This kind of God is just illusion on illusion. The only God is an abstract absolute.this is not absolute bliss consciousness but more maya and pain. I was so confident, I was just beginning to feel good about life. Now I feel so cynical. I was so keen to do the right thing. I wanted to reform to reform in it. And now I'm in a total mess. It is too painful it is just too painful, I am torn. Luckily I have the day free. I don't think I could have worked. I am slowly getting sick. I have to get out. I blamed myself for it, which I shouldn't have as we will see later on.

Follow up conversation. Subbodh. Lucy had come to Christien's house when Subhod was in Toronto. She had dream that Lucy was there. Christen asked her if she ever climaxed. Leaned her up against the wall. He mentions that she is the kind of girl men like to jump on. Subodh had come back from Toronto and had called up Lucy and told her to stay out of her house. This gave me a totally different impression of Lucy than I had had. Said acquaintance Ricardo, although himself not very stable had somehow committed himself to making money to marry Lucy. He tried to get money by importing drugs from India and was arrested there and spent an year in prison there before being bought out by relative.

I dreamed that there was a lighthouse somewhere and that the lights had gone out. It was stormy and the lighthouse was on an island.  I was on the shore opposite. So I took the bulbs with me and swam through the dark and the waves to get to the small island where it was. I got to the island and the land was like a table. I had to pull myself out of the water and so with one hand on the bag containing the bulbs and the other on the edge of the table I was pulling myself up. Suddenly there appeared a large boned woman who I didn't recognize. She stood full force on my hand and kept me from getting on the land (table). As the dream ended I felt despair. That wasn't Lucy I knew.

Now Mary C. was an old friend of the family and had known Lucy since high school. She had lent the family a large amount of money when the divorce happened. Mary C. told me that Lucy often is quite hateful in her conduct even with her. She said that she has often had to correct her pointing out the most fundamental of social failings. She told story about not having seen her for a long time when they decided to meet for lunch. Lucy had gotten interested in a man, a stranger sitting next to them at the restaurant, had gotten involved and Lucy spent the whole lunch talking to this stranger. Mary got up and left and Lucy ran after her. Mary was saying, "Why did you meet me for lunch if you didn't want to talk. Where's your head at. You treat people like hell, ". She pointed out that Lucy had once said, "see you in two years," without realizing that the implication was really negative. C. is a long time friend of hers and sees Lucy and the family for Christmas. This sort of thing Lucy had said to me also.

May C. also said that Lucy had taken her father to court after the divorce in order to get a court order to keep father away from younger sister. This certainly cast new light on the argument with the mother before she came to my house.Lucy had been the power that took the father into the court. Mother hadn't really wanted to. There had been the divorce and then this court case mounted by Lucy to keep her father away from her sister.

I told Mary about how Lucy had fallen in love. Her little blue cocoon, the feeling of love. Mary said that she had this same ray as with the Guy from TO with some one else. Three years she had that feeling with the guy was her 'one' and in the end he goes off and gets married to someone else. He had gone off and got married and she never talked with him. "Never talked with him." I was incredulous. Mary, "No she had just waited and figured that it would happened. She felt that it was in the stars for her or something."

Saw the movie "Jagged Edge." It is about a woman lawyer who compromises herself with a client. She gives him benefit of doubt. She doesn't know. In the end it turns out that he played her. She discovers proof that he had done the crime and he attempts to kill her. She is waiting. "I want to see your face Jack." I feel that L. has played me for her own ends. She shoots him and then takes off the mask. Something had snapped in me when I saw L.'s trip. I felt so cheated by her and by fate. Was left with a pile of meaningless rubbish. How can I really face her now.

Movies: "Hail Marie," the failure to love on the part of the virgin goddess syndrome, "Agnes of God," spiritual breakdown. "Dance with a stranger," mental cruelty and murder. "Paris, Texas," the agony of caring too much for someone who cares too little. "After hours." "Desperately seeking Susan." "9 1/2 weeks." "Interiors." "Clan of the Cave Bear." "Kiss of the spider woman." Impossible conflicts in love. Lord have mercy onme poor sinner!
Songs: 'You must be an angel.' 'Run away'(?). 'How do I know' (that he really loves me).
Thunderdome theme. Canon #4 in D minor. 'Tonight' (is destiny??), 'must be a band of angels' playing with my heart. 'Set them free.' 'You can talk to me.'

No response from Shyam.

Lucy didn't seem to mind committing any outrage against someone's sensibilities. And then when you get angry she mocks you thinking spiritual people don't get angry. Shyam had not sent any mail and so I called her after Christmas. It turns out that her boyfriend had come and stayed for a week over Christmas vacation. She had said in September that she expected the Beloved to appear by then but had confirmed to me that the Beloved meant divinity.

"ahh. I see."
She mockingly quipped "Revenge?"
It was true that I was angry. But for her to air this feeling in this way and at his time was really quite callous of her. When she is being self-effacing, mocking herself and scorning herself, she thinks she is being spiritual. It is not modesty or egolessness really but an aberated form of martyrdom which is her father in herself putting down the mother in herself
I said, "I think you should try to forgive your father."
Lucy, "Well I have no problem with it."
I asked, "Why don't you show more interest in the gurus passing by if you say you are so interested in spiritual life, both gurumayee and Shyam are competent teachers?"
Lucy: "God passes by"

This floored me. What a self humiliating thing to say. God has passed her by? If it was God and she has been a spiritual person like herself then why didn't she take the opportunity. God didn't pass her by in fact, but that she has rejected Him. She has opportunities to pursue a spiritual life and yet she does this sort of thing. That was more than I could to take and I just said goodbye to her, thinking I certainly didn't want to see her again.

As a good psychoanalyst undergoes self analysis before becoming a doctor, so a man is tried by God before he becomes a judge, the arbiter of the law of god. So a man if he is to say that he has principles must try Himself in the court of higher knowledge. This might be the first case ever brought before the court of higher knowledge, the court of True Love.

Afterwards I was reading about relationships and happened on the works of Leo Buscaglia. He has become quiet fashionable these days and something of an authority on love. From Loving Each Other, Leo Buscaglia, Slack (Holt Rinehart), New Jersey, 1984.

The qualities which seemed most essential for continuing growth in love are:

Communication, Affection, Compassion/Forgiveness, Honesty, Acceptance, Dependability, Sense of Humor, Romance (including sex), Patience, Freedom.

Those which were destructive to a loving, growing, relationship (in order):

Lack of communication, Selfishness/unforgiving, dishonesty, jealousy, lack of trust, perfectionism, lack of flexibility (not open to change), lack of understanding, lack of respect, apathy.

Well my relationship, if that is what you call it, with Chapel, didn't score many points on his test.