Kingdom

Self-realization is for one and all. The doors are open to everybody. Yet it is a great good fortune to meet and study with a real holy man, whether startzy, roshi, rimpoche, or sat (real) guru (one who brings the light into the dark to awaken and guide the student or disciple). This is what I am saying here in principle. Complete fulfillment comes through this final event of human life. It is complete union with the divine, or theosis (God enters into or actually expands out of the heart of the person and). Self realization transcends waking dreaming and deep sleep and so it is beyond any dream or concept. By the same token it is beyond any heaven made of forms. It is the Beatitude of beatitude. If the society wants to improve itself most rapidly then it should aim one and all at Self-realization. Then even if that society does not dedicate all its members and even if a very small percentage of those members actually apply themselves whole heartedly to the pursuit of such goals the whole society will benefit. This is so, because the principles of Self realization are also good for self actualization. The practical benefits of meditation have been scientifically proven. The holistic energy produced is fantastic. Such a society could be close to ideal. To raise the consciousness of the the best is to pull the society up from the top as if a crane is being used to raise a tent. In this way social evils can be easily removed. Meditation adds to the moral energy of the whole populace. Through meditation there is greater support for what Maslow called B-values, Being values, tolerance, compassion, generosity, real love, loving kindness, centeredness and stability, and so on. It takes energy to maintain these things in one's life. It is a phenomenon of nature that after depression has set in no one wants to be around, and that if one is in a very good mood that everyone wants to be with you. So meditation removes the negativity without passing it to anyone. It creates positive mental energy. Meditation alone does not create holiness. There has to be persistence in compassion and in love in the world. Self realization that aims only at one's own betterment is in reality a dualism that empowers that meditator to reenter the world as self interested, and possibly even hostile. The hostility comes from the identity of one's nature as against the world as separate from it. The biggest problem is the development of powers of mind. Spiritual gifts must be used holistically. If the character is not developed properly the mind functions with the powers to the detriment of others. This destroys society.

I called Nancy (Nalani). Someone had told me she was in town and staying with her sister. She was an old friend and very beautiful. A remarkably talented person, sang well and painted well and had been a top athlete at university. She was very good looking. We had been friends between 1979-1982, in Ottawa, and recently she had had a very bad time after splitting up with her last mate.

I had seen Nancy the previous summer for a while when she had left Keval Krishna. She was in bad shape and had had a nervous breakdown. She was staying in an Ashram and they were doing their best for her. Nevertheless she needed her family and a lot of professional help. Her relationship with Keval Krishna had become malignant. She had tried to worship him and as we sat talking she told me "Keval Krishna is an avatar." She could see nothing wrong with what she said—as it turns out that is an Indian inspired thing: the Father is God, the Husband is God, and the Guru is God.. It was only some time later that she said that he had been beating her and had absolutely subjected her psychologically. He was Moroccan and Jewish and had effectively treated her as if she were goods and chattel. She would have to wait for his permission to enter his room to talk to him. Unfortunately she had bought his rather Old Testament attitude herself and had begun a long slide into loss of self control.

She used to come to me frequently and ask me just to press her heart. She had such a pain in it that just putting my hand on her heart was a healing for her. She felt a lot of guilt about sex and would flip from being very aggressive to being very guilt ridden. She had been a actress and had done several roles two of which she really loved. One was a nun and the other was a prostitute. She was very devout person when I knew her back in Ottawa and had seemed to be charismatic. I still remember her when she had had a job as cashier at the health food store. She was standing at the cash and several young men had gathered around her. She was entertaining them all. She seemed to radiate light even. But now she was in bad straights and I was determined to help her. As we sat in Van Houte my mystery girl went by. Strange how she was always turning up.

Now I felt that there was something unexplained about what happened with Lucy. I had sworn that there was some kind of connection with her and yet there was no proof of it. Many times I would think that there was some sort of concord between us and some understanding and then I would go down to Royal Ville and not see or hear anything in particular. It was in the air but nothing of any consequence could prove the meaning of it. At this time there was a feeling of animosity in that Holo as I called it.

Rajneesh after being thrown out of America in 1985 had gone around shopping for a country and finding none to receive him had gone back to India. In fact he had gone up to Kullu valley and had stayed in the Empire Hotel where I had stayed. It wasn't far from the Shyam Ashram there. Shyam had said that if anybody went to visit with Rajneesh during his stay at the hotel they weren't allowed back in his group.

The connection is hologram. Holo is cold as ice now. I feel despised

Could it be that she really thinks that she will become some center of spiritual renewal. She is waiting for a man, a companion or a lover a beloved who will come to her and liberate her, whereupon she will become the queen of this new faith or whatever. She was never with me except in the context that I was "part of it".. She then commented later so-and-so was "part of it". I am to be part of this scene where the beloved is to come but not as the beloved but as an on looker.

One day I encountered Lucy's brother Andrew in Murray's. I asked him if Lucy was aware of the fact that she had powers. He said that she was aware of it. So I asked him if she was made special by them in any way. He thought not.

I told him the story of Zechariah, the father of John the Baptist. He had been in the temple when the angel came to tell him that his wife, though old, would have a child who would be a prophet. Zechariah had asked, "How do I know what you are saying is true?" Whereupon he had been struck dumb.

I told him this story by way of a parable. It was to say when God wants something to be done he will demand in unusual ways (according to the mythology). Fate can sometimes play a heavy hand in one's life. Circumstances force you to bend. I felt that I had been presented with signals or signs of some sort but didn't know what to make of them. I didn't want to get into it too deeply with him because I didn't know how he felt about these things.

I asked him what were his sympathies as far as religion where concerned and he said that in fact he favored the East. He felt that he was self actualized. He knew when things would happen to him within six months of them happening to him. I told him that I did not know what was going on but was determined to find out. I used an image of passing consecutive street corners. At the first corner a dead black bird falls from the sky. Mere coincidence. At the second two black birds fall from the sky. No mere coincidence here. How will you feel about passing the next corner?

I had had many sessions with Nancy and there was some progress. It was hard for me to act both as therapist for her and also to be her friend (or her lover as it was turning out to be). Her kundalini was very high and she would just about blow me away when she got angry. So around Valentine's day I went to a party at Mathewson's and I met an old High School chum Andrea. Andrea and I talked and it turned out she was into herbs and other new age type things. We enjoyed talking Auld langsyne. She invited me to another party of her own and I went. There I met Judy mcintosh the apple of my eye (for a while).

A few days later I was in Royal Ville and Judy ran up behind me. She was carrying a pair of cross country skies and had a big orange in her pocket. As we were talking the mystery girl went by. I muse about her as I talked to Judy. Judy and I decided to meet. She called me after. As it happened she had someone but had just wanted to get to know me. She gave me an orange, before we parted.

Nancy had hopes to rejoin the crowd at the Ashram but they were reluctant to do much more for her. As usual they were making individual choices and they did not know her as I did from the old days in Ottawa. She would go frequently and meditate or just talk, but just as frequently there were blowups and she would have to leave. The meditation energy was more than she could handle. She had terrible complexes about it.

Distinction sexuality & yoga. She confused Christianity and Yoga. To me we were free and conversely there was no responsibility from the side of authority. We had to look after ourselves. It was truly a kind of university. Nancy felt a lot of guilt about having sexual desires as if she should be punished for it. But the reality was that she was punishing herself. She was crucifying herself for her desire. This wasn't our way. The idea is to be free. That means that it is not against any law but that you should recognize the Self in everyone and everything. This valorizes the person to a higher level and the whole relationship becomes a unity of being. In the unity of being true love manifests and the desires are reduced, craving is diminished and the sexual urge takes a back seat to the joy of the Divine One which is essential the One nature of all. Nancy had done two great theater pieces. St. Theresa of Liseux and the other a prostitute. She identifies with both. So do many Christian woman.

She would threaten me with suicide threats. After a while I decided that I could not afford to be reacting to strongly to this. Ultimately she would try to make me responsible for her life.

She would say, "please just put your hand on my heart". She really needed a lot of love after her breakup with K. He had drained the life out of her.

I dream of children in the attic of a house. They are just coming down the stairs and going out of the house. I was just coming in. There are several of them and they all have objects in their hands that look like toys. One of them has too many. She has been greedy. "Hey," I said, "You have taken too much."

I was trying to get some perspective on what was happening in my life. The following account of the grail legends give some idea of how I was feeling.

At the Table of the Grail, John Mathews, Routledge and kegan Paul, London, 1984

"Sophia Companion on the Quest" Catherine Mathews, p112
Cundrie, The Hideous Damsel, the sorceress or Sophia.to stimulate awareness or remembrance of paradise. Symbolic personification of exile from paradise, as well as showing us the way of return to our original state.p113
The Grail question—the Fisher King (Wounded King).
"Had you asked Perceval, the king would have been made well and the kingdom made peaceful, but now there will be battles and killing.
The Grail Maiden carries the vessel in the Grail procession.
"Her face shed such effulgence that all imagined it was sunrise. This maiden was seen wearing brocade of Araby upon a green achmardi— she bore The Grail. She, whom the Grail suffered to carry itself, had the name of Repance de Schoye. Such was the nature of the Grail that she who had the care of it was required to be perfect in chastity and renounced of all things false.
The Grail Maiden and Cundrie are the same archetype in two guises. In Christianity, the Virgin Mary is the Grail Maiden and Cundrie is the Magdalene.

P115 "the ancient rite of kings is deeply concerned with the marriage of the sovereign to the land/" In England for example the monarch is ceremonially wedded to the land . . . trace the custom of England to a time when the Goddess and matrilineal descent were the rule; then the king held the land by right of his female relatives. He would often have to undergo a symbolic marriage with a priestess who represented the Goddess for the purpose of the ritual.

The story of Niall of the Nine Hostages.

"Niall and four brothers in weapons training and living off the land. They lose their way and need water. The first brother finds a well but it is guarded by an ugly old Hag, who will only allow him to drink if he kisses her. They each go in turn and have the same difficulty. Each one returns waterless. Then Niall approaches the Hag, he not only kisses her, he embraces her. As he releases her he finds that she has changed into the most beautiful woman in the world. In answer to his question, she replies: 'I am sovereignty, King of Tara; you descendants will rule over every clan."

In the quest for kingship the Hideous Damsel, Sovereignty, cannot assume her proper form, nor can the quest succeed, if her ugly form is rejected.

We may recall that the result of achieving the Grail is the healing of the Wounded King and the flowering of the Waste land. From the earliest times, especially in Celtic understanding, a maimed or wounded king could not reign—he had to be whole man. The implication with the wounded Grail King is that he is wounded in the Genitals or euphemistically—through the thigh, so that he cannot be joined in union with the land as Sovereignty—therefore the land is laid waste. The Grail knights quest then is the healing of his King: a fate in which he shares, for the whole kingdom suffers. The two faces of Sovereignty re-emerge in the Grail Legend as two separate characters; they also may stand for the Land which suffers and is laid waste—as black and unwanted as the Hideous Damsel—and for the healing of the land, whereby Sovereignty can assume her former condition as the beautiful Grail Maiden."
 

I had a dream. I went to Marriette ashram with a large black dog. I was in the kitchen with the dog, when someone came in and was offended. They wanted me to take the dog out. The black dog is the opposition to God and sometimes called evil or ignorance. But in reality just the necessary animal nature of humanity. It is the animal nature which is our blessing and our fall. What is there to serve us as spirits, becomes our prison and our bondage through ignorance. This is called the Jetzer Harah in Hebrew, it is associated with natural drives without which humanity cannot be. It however becomes and obstruction to those on the path because its force hides the true nature, the true Self. However the black dog is Shyam, in relation to Death's Realm.

"Immediate judgment takes place on the arrival at Yama's abode of the dead man's soul or spirit. The way there is fraught with danger. There are two insatiable dogs, called Karbura (spotted) and Shyaama (black), with four eyes, gnashing teeth, and wide nostrils which guard the road, and which the departed one is advised to hurry past with all possible speed."
These dogs are said to wander among men as Yama's messengers, no doubt for the purpose of summoning them into their master's presence in his city of Yamapura where the soul repairs on quitting its tenement of clay. Yama, in addition to the record-keeper, has two chief attendants, Chanda and Kaala-Purusha, who execute his commands. His messengers or orderlies—Yama Dutas—bring in the souls of the dead, and the door of the judgment-hall is kept by his porter, Vaidhyata."

Canon #4 in D major.

Encounter with Lucy: Meet on street one day. I drove her down to her school and we talked in the car. She doesn't need to sleep she says. We had been talking and somehow the subject of Deepriya and Christian had come up. She had gotten very interested when she heard that they were getting divorced. I stop the car in front of the fashion school.

She said "Yes I was repressed. I . . . . " After she had worked with partner who was into psychology, she started to use psychological terminology. I looked at her and waited and she seemed to be receptive to me once again. I put my hand on the seat and she reached over and squeezed it before leaving the car. I thought she would be getting out. She held it and we talked for a while longer. It seemed a moment of reconciliation, and then she got out of the car. It was odd but she seemed very angry after she got out of the car.

Vision that evening: I see her staring into water. It turns to ice, she feels the surface of the ice and is distraught. She continues to feel with her hands and looks into the ice trying to see deeper. She is puzzled.

A few days later I had my friend Graham send some balloons up the street with a brief note for Lucy to break the ice a little more. I didn't want it to be too flirtatious, just friendly.

This is spring 86. I had phoned and left a message. She had called back and left a message on my answering machine, giving time of message as 10:30. When I got home the clock had stopped at 10:30. That' s my Kinsel never fail clock. Exactly the same time. At first I was fascinated. Time to stop I thought . Then later I became angry it seemed that I could have not done this it must have been her. Then I was thinking more about the strange things that were happening to me as somehow come from her and in this case she would be manipulating me totally from an ulterior and occult powers. Could be but then maybe not.

I called again and we talked. She talked about loyalty to her boyfriend. Are you sure he's your boyfriend, I asked sarcastically. I was miffed because she had just hooked me again I felt. Why was she holding my hand? —she laughs. She laughed but she didn't say that he really was her boyfreind. I began to wonder about it. I tell her I had liked her because she's modest. Tell her about sex. I knew someone who when he was first married had sex twice a night for five years.

"Imagine the stress," I joked.

She laughs again. I told her that it couldn't be like that for me. I was more Brahmacharya. I didn't mean totally celibate but very reserved. There were days when I would love to have that much sex, but now I am more intent on meditating. She doesn't want to start it up again. She feels loyal to her boyfriend. She wasn't sure though.

Me. "I see, well what are we going to do."
Cannot go out with me because she is loyal to her boyfriend. I respond that she was not loyal to me when I was 'seeing her'
"What should I do?" she asks.
Me, "Do you think we should see each other."
What shall I do? (why do you ask if not ready to receive the answer). I pondered on that. "What shall I do?" She always asks but doesn't want to know.
Me, "It seems to me like a Caucasian chalk circle."

She did not respond. She was supposed to ask. It is a play by Berthold Breck incorporating a biblical story the judgment of Solomon (he says that he got the story from the Chinese). Two woman are before a judge arguing the ownership of a child. They are asked to put the child within a circle and the woman who can bring it from the circle will own the child. Both woman try to urge the child to come out and then one runs in and begins to pull it out. The other runs in and tries to keep it from being taken. The child starts to cry and the one woman lets go and starts crying herself. The judge awards the child to the woman who let go and started crying, saying, "a natural mother cannot hurt her own child, even for possession (her own sake)."

She did not respond. It was probable that she did not know what I meant, but didn't want to ask. I decided that I couldn't really talk about it anymore. I said this after we had discussed the many signs that had happened. It seemed to be a tale in the mythic domain promising but yet nothing had happened.
Lucy, "Maybe I'm just a myth that promises and doesn't deliver"
At this point I was just finished .
I thought "O God what next. She's a myth that promises and doesn't deliver. There ought to be a law for this."
N. I will take you to court.
L. ????####
N. "Before God."
Lucy, "Well, maybe we'll play those tapes after we are dead."
I was not quite finished here. I ended that conversation politely.

"Myth that promises and doesn't deliver." Christ almighty. I couldn't accept this. For two days it sunk in and at the end of two days I became just totally outraged. Behind it she had seemed to give off an air of pure ice. I felt the tone change from sincere caring and had become a dark cold midnight of emotion. I could not endure her anymore. Even as much as I had loved her there is not any hope that I will ever put out for her again. Yet there was something really mythological that had happened I felt.

On this same day I was down in Victoria Village. Around Euf (Encore une Fois) and I was waking toward the park. when I crossed paths with my Mystery Girl. She was not very open to talking to strangers, I felt, and so did not say anything to her. I wanted to remain distant from her in case she cease acting as a charm for me. I walked passed the restaurant and around the block to my car when I encountered her again coming back up. I said hello to her. I confess my heart was in my throat. Somehow she had become very important to me and I just didn't know how to tell her that. She smiled at me. She is very beautiful and strong . About five-six, blondish shoulder length hair, an aquiline nose and wide thin lips, With a prominent chin. A sort of British nobility look. She walks very gracefully, wears a long or knee length skirt. In general her dresses were conservative and simple. She reminded of the actress Darryl Hannah.

Another episode with the MG was just after a major upset with Nalini. I was at the W. Park when I wanted to smoke a beedie. I had forgotten my lighter and so ambled about trying to find a light and ended up leaving the park and walking back toward Victoria, along Brook going West. As I was proceeding I saw over my shoulder that the MG was coming along the sidewalk with a friend. I double back and I asked her for a light or a match. She was startled and shied away giving me a curt no. I remember that my mood was a little wild and was in the thick of a spasm about God and how my result of the guided God tour had netted me only some really bad pains. So I went back along Brooke and they had stopped somewhere. I went down to the stationer and got some matches and then was walking back toward the park when she and her friend crossed the street at Brooke and PA and I crossed them just on her corner. I was just gazing at her as she walked away up toward her house when she looked back over her shoulders and looked squarely into my eye. She was a very strong consciousness behind those eyes . I felt that she was very mature or evolved in her person even though she was young in the body. Afterwards I thought "no light and no match" Perhaps I should take a hint.

Dream girl with glass fishing rod. The fishing rod was made of optical glass and not fiber glass as it usual. There was a stream of light in it. And two dark men in background seemed onerous or threatening.

The king stag. Gwenivere betrays Arthur after he mounts the Christian pennant at the battle for britain. Two ways from the book 'Mists of Avalon' King stag - Mother God - Druid - Jesus - Father God - Christian. Druid VS Christian in England an the time of Arthur. He was a king who was put into power as the last hope of the Druids but went over to the Christians due to the insistence of his wife Gwenhwyfer. He flew the banner of the cross at the battle of the Saxons for Britain instead of the pendragon thus betraying the pledge he had made to the Isle of Avalon. Gwenwyfer then betrayed in adultery to Lancelot.

The Druid religion in the way expressed by Vivian and the Lady of the Lake cneters on the Beltain rites. In these rites the fittest young man "The Stag King" is stripped and covered in blue paint, his wrists tattooed with serpent coils, antlers mounted on his head. He goes into the forest with a company of young men and finds his way into the herd of deer and challenges the king stag with only a knife in his hand. If he defeats the stag he is anointed with its blood and is given the Priestess of Avalon as his mystical bride, the offspring of which is the new Stag King. Such children were priests (Merlins) or priestesses (Lady of the Lake). They Worship the Mother Goddess who represents nature and cultivate various powers including the Sight—telepathy and clairvoyance etc.

Meeting with Judy and mystery girl goes by. Judy said to me one day when we were talking about the state of the world, and how we should repair ourselves to deal with the problem, "Yeh, why go digging up horrors. People are always getting upset by going over these things again and again. If you keep bringing these things up you start to get a little cookoo." I agreed. We have to bring solutions and apply them.

I went over to visit Judy. She was cooking and we sat in her kitchen talking about her country home. She had built it together with her old mate "the captain". She had decided to buy it from him and he had gone south after. She was thinking about selling it as it was hard for her to maintain the payment on it. It seems that having property was a symbol for her of her independence. She cried a little about it and I consoled her. She resolved to keep it.

She had told me that her father had condemned her to play the role of a woman in the house. He would favor her brother taking him everywhere and had excluded her from his company. She regretted him and had made the cottage her way of claiming her sovereignty. It was a symbol to her, a gesture to her father, to say, "You see I can take care of myself. I can build."

Graham L and balloon store. Graham was an old friend from the University days. He was a member of my fraternity, the Psi Upsilon. He was quite the guy. He had just been through it with woman and he and I would sit and talk about them over coffee (hot water and lemon for me). He was very astute and knew his way about. Graham traveled a fair amount and could tell a good yarn.

He had an employee for a while called Violet C. She was very friendly to me. Violet always wore shirts with words all over them. She was Jewish and I connected her message with the words of the Torah. She was very sweet and I liked her. I was standing outside the balloon store with her, waiting for Graham to appear when the mystery girl walked by. Every time I meet someone that I like this mystery girl appears. What a strange thing.

One time I went in to see Graham and Violet had a string on her wrist that had been given as a token of friendship. I pointed out to her that we use such threads in a ceremonial occasion and described to her the Havan ceremony. I said I would give her one and it would protect her from boogies. She laughed and so did I. Then she tied a balloon string around my wrist as a token of friendship. She did not want to have any relationship to me other than this. I would invite her to the picnics that we were having at the time but she never came and she did not accept any invitation to lunch.

I go to Encore un fois - talk to Tam, the cook, for a while and then go home. I just know something is happening with V. This is the fifth woman that I have seen in some sort of association with the MG. Violet tied balloon on wrist Had friendship threads on her own wrist (many). Always wore clothing with print on it either on sweatshirt or pants or both. She was beautiful.

As I left Marriette I was feeling that I would run into Lucy. I was pretty angry about what had happened. It didn't add up her story. In fact I drove past Terre Etoile and she was sitting in front with Stephen. I parked the car and walked around the block only to find that she had left the table suddenly and had left part of her drink. She had gone off quite suddenly, saying she had to get home. The seat was still warm. I had asked was there someone sitting here. Stephen had indicated it was Lucy with some amusement. Humph I thought, "She drinks wine and yet the Bahais prohibit it. She had offered to smoke with me too." So much for rules. So much for faiths that make these kinds of laws for you.

Ananta and Mohani: Ian S. and Joanne R. started in Ottawa (1976?) and were in the department of architecture and became interested in Shyam Space via Rein Kuris and Warren Throop, who were prof. architects at Carleton. They and friends Allison and Peter ended up in Sandy Hill at Raam Dev and Vaani's ashram (SS). They were very close. Ian  is son of MP- Senator. Ian and Joanne were in Kullu together in 1979 spring time when I was there and Mohani lived next door. One evening Ian came over had sex with Mohanni and I had to get up out of my meditation and went off to see Manoj or somebody who lived a bit down the road. I complained to him about the noise and he gave me a dirty look, like I just don't understand. Anyway, Ananta means SheshNaag which is the giant serpent that Vishnu lies on in the heavens (female aspect - see Pooranic stories of Vishnu). Basically I think it is the feminine aspect of the universe. Mohanni is the name of an epiphany of Vishnu as a radiantly beautiful woman ( to effect some trick which story I can't remember). Latter Mohanni married Simon Littledale brother of Tilly (Annabelle) who was close to both Geof Stirling and SCS from 1974-5.

I was invited to a party at the apartment by Allen K, and it turned out the apartment had been a Shyam Space ashram: I went with Don Kurt who was the principle invitee. This was a meeting of Alan Knight's "Life Style Club." He was attempting to assemble all the good looking young woman and therefore men too of Royalville into one party. They all seemed very uptight about it. I had to go out and sit on the stairs for a while to get away from it. I went in later and was smoking a Beedie. Hey Stephan do you have an Ashtray. I asked. He reached in a cupboard and I was handed lotus bowl ashtray, a bowl that I had used to eat granola out of in 78. Curiously it had been handed down with the apartment. The symbolism was very striking.

Meanwhile the psychic atmosphere is extremely turbulent. I had gone over to Judy's one day and we were talking when all of a sudden a black form passes right through me. I can hardly explain to you what happened. It was as if someone had gotten very angry at me, and had sent a superbad vibration. It was a form of a being and it appear to hit me and then pass through, ballooning out my aura as it rebounded. I couldn't identify the anger in myself, it definitely came from outside.

One day as I was entering my apratment building, just as I was about to put my key in the lock, the Door bell buzzes itself and it opened. I was just going to put my key into the lock and it suddenly buzzed itself open. That seriously worried me. Later it started as it happens I found out from the superintendent that it was buzzing from time to time. A repair man came and they fixed the wiring in the lobby. It was just a coincidence, wasn't it?

Nancy has a new apartment and has unpacked some of her things. One piece of art is Shree Lakshmee the goddess of fortune. In this painting Nancy had made her topless and very natural. She is almost dancing as she distributes the wealth. I flashed on the vision that I had from December of Red Lakshmi. Not all the visions that I had had were about Lucy after all. Strange

I find ten dollars in a phone booth. Andrea takes up lessons with me for Yoga. She was wanting to learn to meditate which I duly taught her. She did it for a while but then wasn't truly interested in Self-realization. I had a good connection with her. She had some expertise with herbs and cleansing and had a great diet.

Graham takes up lessons too. He tells his story of leaving the body. He was at Banff and he had had a late night bull session with some of the other bell hops. They were talking about how they felt about the cosmos (this was hippie days) when suddenly he seem to experience what he was actually talking about. He felt he was a point in the sky. "as if a helicopter had taken him up." It was an impression of simplicity and grandeur. He told me that it was unique and it was his, "experience of higher things."

Nancy was getting along better at this time and had begun to see a therapist regularly. One day she arrived with a raggedy Anne in her hand. Someone had given it to her as part of a project to sell children's clothes and she was supposed to make a drawing from it. When I saw the raggedy Anne I flipped. It was that dream from many years back. It was striking that the feeling that I had had after awaking from the dream and the feeling that I had at this time where the same. Nancy had been a heavy load on my nervous system as she was in very bad mental health. But it was interesting to note that at the time that I had the dream I had wondered about my own psyche. Now I realized that I had blamed myself for it. I had felt, "what kind of person am I at root. What is in me that I have such a dream?" But now I thought the better of myself. That dream must have been at least six years ago. Realizing this gave me a new perspective on my states of mind.

I meet Stephen at Encore un Fois, I ask what is his relation to Lucy. His eyes start to water. He says, "she has problems" I meet leslie Sarah or Sarah Leslie. She goes to visit Lucy but her scooter breaks down on the way up the hill—its a new scooter (she lied about it and it spooked me. It demosntrates that Shyam space evokes strange things through the corners of the mind)

Meet MG on the corner the "Playing out the tapes after we are dead," conversation. That isn't the way I would like to deal with things.

May 12, 1986
Afterwards I went to the Siddha Yoga Ashram and ended up buying a "shaktipaath" photo of Gurumayi, was remembering my feelings for her. This photo was one which was designated as the one which could be used to connect especially with her. Sometimes I would be contemplating Gurumayi photo and Lucy would fade in over her. There was some sort of connection between her, Gurumayi and myself. I could see that Lucy had a black and red core to her aura.she was very angry inside. So was I. I was hoping to use my anger for something useful. To do work on peace! Coincidentally she called. The conversation was somewhat stilted. I said, "With love there has to be surrender to go with what god has given you. When you try to bind it all up it is crushed before it even grows." I feel her suck in her breath. She's moved, but said, "I've discovered it's my writing that is important." It wasn't clear to me what she meant by this. It should have sounded like it was important to her but in fact it sounded like it was important for the world.

Lucy had said the previous summer that she hoped that her art work would last a thousand years. It is the writing that is important. She says she is "at the edge of history and living in myth," but she didn't seem to realize that she is quoting me.

I didn't get the news at this time but Swami Gurumayi Chidvilasanda and her brother the first chosen called Nityananda Saraswati had a power struggle. The brother it was claimed by the sister had started sleeping with the students. She had forced him into sequester and then had him beaten with a cane. Armed men were brought into the ashram. The brother escaped, but not before he signed over the rights to his half of the $1,000,000 inheritance from their sanyasi guru Baba Muktananda. The Yoga Journal reported it in 1988 as if she had dismissed a "high level swami", to save the American women from being dishonored. It wasn't until the New Yorker came out in 1994 with the real story that Americans understood what had really happened. Graham had told me that he had a real nightmare about her and didn't like her tapes either. I remember his son Dylan reacting very strongly to the sound of her voice. The was a center just a few houses down from his store called La Rose. I had met quite a few people from this group and they were by and large a friendly group.

May/86; vision/dream. I see a woman reaching in a pool and pulling something out of the water with both hands. I interfere. She puts her tongue out and licks my hand in subservience and mockery. I pulled her tongue out and then pushed it back in her mouth. She disgusted me.

I was going through some of my files later, when I came upon one of those poster prints, the icons of the Gods that they have all over India. These glossy prints have better circulation there than baseball cards do here in North America. It was Kali, very red, naked and brutal. Time. She had a necklace of skulls around her neck and a bowl of blood in her hand. A sword in other hand. Kali was standing on the body of Shiva. Shiva the great god of meditation stomped under the foot of the mother and destroyer of the universe. That was the vision that Lucy had while she was meditating with me. God! Heavy, very heavy.

I had called Lucy and said I can give you a peace. I had realized how uptight she had been about being manipulated by her symbols and dreams and things and that she had felt that I am merely using her precious personal material as a vehicle to get a hold of her. I said to her outside Apres where we were meeting. "even if these things are true then you still have no obligation to me to love or marry me, I didn't ever think this. We are not slaves to God even when we are his servants voluntarily." From my own side I thought it a sort of offering if anything. An opportunity. She is very relieved and lets out a big gasp of air.

We go in for tea. We discuss signs etc. At the edge of history.eh? I feel I could be talking to myself. We seem to be in a struggle. If we are going to do this then why don't you fight. She is going into a trance. Suddenly she says 'honorable enemy'. I just looked at her. Yes Honorable enemy. She had read it out of my mind. She had a vision in which Gurumayi was looking at her aura. Seeing something there. Gurumayi didn't or wouldn't say what. She said that Gurumayi touched her feet. I said I feel I am too close to you and I would like you to sort things out with me before you get too involved with your boyfriend. She promises very reluctantly. She had indicated that it wouldn't happen. I said you have been chaste so far why can't you go a little bit further. Yes, yes she promises. I am very relieved. I say I wish we could go through all this stuff . I am very much wishing to express all the things that have been buried in our relationship. It seemed so intense for me but for her it seems like nothing. Just another freak show, I am not particularly significant in her life. She doesn't even really know me. I say I have it all written down. I could show it to you. She doesn't want to deal with it. I convince her that it is important to me . I say that I would submit it to Gurumayee as an impartial witness to the story and she could pick any one who she trusted with it to read it with her if she trusted so little. Stephen no bahais no. Boyfriend maybe . The I say it is probably not a good idea for her boyfriend to read it as it may seem to have negative results. She agrees to think about it. I had reminded her of the clock stopping . Had said there seemed to be a lot of stuff going on.

I said, "I had thought that you are interested in Self realization."

"What is self-realization." I am aghast how can there be any question like this after so long. She said that she was a Shyamite and yet no Shyam would ever fail to grasp the point that Shyam Space is all about self-realization. I tell story about the dialectic and the idea of religious unity. I talk about incarnation as a martyr, how I had had the vision of dying on the cross and the sighting in the vision of the royal elephant with his tusks embossed with gold, and with the embroidered cloth covering on his forehead. "Oh, I've seen that," she said. She is looking at me strangely so I remark that I am not saying that I am Jesus Christ. She lets out this sarcastic little "whew" and says oh good. I am very irritated but say nothing. I mention it only by way of explaining my interest in Christianity. And why the dialectic was written.

She was still looking at me as if I was two cents. I got a little peeved.

I remind her of her vision of Gurumayi. She can't remember, then I say that it was me that came and touched her foot because I thought she was very down and needed some love. I often touch the woman foot and pat it. It from the convention to see women as the shakti or the goddess etc. I remind her that she said god passed by concerning Shyam and Gurumayi she doesn't remember. "god passes by" is a book written about the Bahais by Shogi Effendi. Nothing could be more inappropriate to use this as a reason. It was really a Freudian irony. Three hours had passed, we never failed to talk for a long time.

I said she would go into lower worlds. She would be like a Simon Magus to the Christians. She was just into power, abusing it because in her ego. Egoizing the divine. I drove her to the office. We discuss a little business on the way down . Then she said your words seem so concrete as if they really meant something to you which they don't mean to me. She wasn't understanding. I said yes. Your spirit is at this level with mine. Equal hands. But your mind is at this level while mine is at this level. Unequal hands. That is the result of long practice. I work on it always and have for a long time. I realize that I have to slow down and to explain things to her. She won't ask so I have to make sure she is receiving what I'm trying to transmit.

She told me that someone said that she is blocked. I laughed like a little old lady, "yes dear I'm afraid so," ( I wanted to scream). She got tired of growth and had found it too painful. She said that was about the time of Gurumayi. Or about the time she said that she really wanted to grow. I said lets work on this and get through it. She was looking quite discontent she is quite crumpled up in the seat. Will you promise me to give it a try. Well Ok she says. You have to develop yourself. I mentioned something about growth and the need for it. She said that she was into growth that it seemed so painful. I said yes sometimes it is very painful. Look how painful it was for Jesus on the cross. My little Joke went unnoticed. I asked when did you stop being interested in growth. I said again. "lets work on this and get through it." She agrees and then gets out of car. Slams the door as usual.

I had a dream that night. The dream said that the oak sapling has broken. I had sent the book to her through one of Graham's Pierrot. It was the original notes. I have a dream the next day in the morning after sending the book and I see that she has sent back everything. Its a collection of notebooks and so on.that something is changing and that she has just drifted off . She will not wait to go through material with me. I feel offended and call too ask her out for walk so we can talk when she makes big accusation. "You just want to get me involved with you again," she cries angrily. I thought it was the other way around. I feel angry that this does not reflect yesterday's understanding.

She says that she felt the book with her hand but didn't like the vibe. She had just put her hand on it without opening it, and from this had decided what was in it. She didn't think it was a good idea to read it. I called and she gave it back to me. I went down to pick it up. Remember.

ME: "The book is better than you are."

HER: "Probably is" she says. I thought that a little too too.??

I am being made a fool of. She is out fishing. I had felt like it was truly nothing at all to her. She was ambivalent up to this point she doesn't want to say yes and she can't say no. She says she is on the edge of history and living in myth. Ideas she no doubt was reading out of me. She is full herself, proud and ambitious sarcastic. I continue to see her licking the hand that slaps her. Mock devotion and servitude. She is full of hatred yet she submits even if in irony. Her hatred of the aggressor becomes self hatred and cynicism. She doesn't ever account for herself. She has this way of attributing everything in her life to God that makes her seem like his right hand lady. You could only assume that god was supporting her every folly. The world is evenly divided between the spiritual world (up there) and the practical world (down here), and her real home is up there . The balloon in chains, etc. This is sort of like Lang's abdication of ecstasy. Madness is so much fun why try to be sane which so painful and boring. I was very angry when she just accused me angrily of trying to make it happen again.

I said what were we talking about yesterday. How can you ask that question. I was very offended by her attitude. She is so off handed. You seem to be friends when she gives you a look and you get the feeling that you are with your worst enemy. All loyalties are cancelled. You are removed from her by wall upon wall. The assumption of friendship with her is dangerous. She isn't really there for anyone. I say, "all along I have been wondering if you are an angel or a demon. You seem to me to be a demon. God damn you anyhow." I decide it is a bad idea for her to have my letters and I call her up to send them back right away.her mother answers and I ask for l. Call to retrieve my letters intercepted by her mother

"you've been bothering her an awful lot lately"
"she been playing some heavy games on me"
Mother hangs up on me.

I tell her that l has just laid a gigantic trip on me. Mom hangs up. L. calls back almost immediately and starts " I, I, . . . ", "Just send the letters back , right away," I hang up forcefully. I send letter of apology to her mom and promise not to talk to any of them tell her that Lucy needs competent therapist or spiritual advisors. Said she used her powers to manipulate me, but that I would try to forgive her, she sent back letters with no response.

Dear Mrs. Chapel

I am very sorry to have been so aggressive on the phone. I remember you well and have found you to be polite and friendly. You were only doing just a mother should in defending your daughter.

I promise you that from my side that there will be no further problem and that there will be no further attempt to communicate, etc.

. . . . . . .

Sincerely
Eric
 

I said, "You're insulting a friend of mine. You might be critical of what he says but you are just insulting the man. He is like a father to me and I have known him for a long time. None of those things you say about him are true. You don't know what you are talking about. I've had enough and I am leaving."
Well he started to argue some more. I exercised my patience with it. Finally it turned out that he knew that he was mistaken. He looked at me suddenly and said, "I guess I'm just afraid of it."
I studied him for a while. It was very candid of him to say so.
I said, "It is something that is there for those who love this sort of thing. If you don't care for that sort of life then feel free not to get involved. I certainly do not want to proselytize you. We don't go around cursing and accusing those who do not want to pursue such a life. We are just saying that if you do the work then you will achieve this kind of result. Shyam is the example, the result of such endeavors. He is what he stands for."
Kurt didn't change his mind about it. But he understood that I was personally linked to Shyam. I feel he knew better the meaning of Guru. When I departed we had come to an understanding.

Rick Taylor tells story about how Lucy came running into Hampton talking about how someone tried to hypnotize her. He said that she had come in very upset. She told them that she had been with someone who had told her fortune and the man had then suggested to her that she would be coming to see him on Saturday night. She then felt very perturbed because she felt obliged to go back and was asking Rick if he felt she should do so. Rick thought that was all to crazy. Then I realized that she must feel that I was doing this same thing to her. She had done this in 1983 or 1984. Why didn't anybody tell me about this earlier. How could she think that she would have to go back. Is she so simple that she can be conned like that or is she just making something up to get attention.

June12/86: strange day connected with L. Was thinking about her and wondering if we weren't talking back and forth in the space as if on the telephone. I decided that we should meet and thought I had her agreement. So I got in the car and drove down to Royal Ville. I felt as is she would just come down to meet me we could make some real the supposed communication. On the way I passed a funeral possession. When I got to the corner of clairemount and sherbrooke and sat down on a bench and kept thinking OK we will meet. But there was no show. Somehow I knew there would be none by that time and that she had either changed her mind or was just thinking about seeing me and not actually conscious of the connectedness between us. Another girl came and sat on the bench and was just sitting reading for a while.she was reading "long hairs." Suddenly as I watched a woman went from the far right hand lane and cut over two lanes of traffic to make a left turn up clairemount. "I said to myself O my god. And thought Jesus Christ woman how can you do something like that." I sat for a while and the girl beside me was crying. I asked her if I could help but she refused.

I went to visit Judy. She asked who is this that you having such a hard time with. It is all so strange. I told her,"Lucy Chapel."

"I know her. The police came to my door one day looking for her brother."
"What. Why were they looking for him."
"Because he had run away from home. His father had beaten him and he ran away. I don't know why they came to my house I didn't know him that well."
"You're kidding. What else do you know. Do you know her?"
"No, I don't remember her much at all. We were in the same high school but we weren't friends."

At Ashram they do 1008 Gayatri mantras. I remember her kali vision while meditating - & that Kali is always standing on corpse of shiva. or is it me she standing on? Nalini has become much more loving and seems from time to time to be her normal self. We were spending a lot of time together and I was trying to convince her that she was guilt tripping herself terribly.

Lately Satya told me that he had seen Lucy and she had stopped on a Subway walkway to talk to some guy who seemed crazy to him. I asked him if he wouldn't mind telling me about her, but he didn't want to get involved, but that he always sees her with someone who looks a little off the wall. I am turning more toward Kullu. Love of Shyam's own again. Vairagya (means to stop expecting that the world will bring ultimate fulfillment): experiencing the energy withdrawing from the second chakr and feeling that I could not possibly think another thought of attachment for a woman or for anybody for that matter. I sing song to Radha and fill up with love. Swami's song make me cry. I am sometimes very angry with God. Why is it happening like this. Isn't this ever over or ever come to something real.

Vairagya 2: on bench at peel and Brooke crying. Two gods came. The beloved the awe. Themes electra, hyacinth, icarus, sisyphus. Feature film on tv one night.it was about relationship and it was a winner very like L. And myself. Second one . Woman was asleep. everything seemed to be reflecting my relationship to her. Even Mary Worth went through a romantic piece involving a young college doorman and a lost or runaway girl who was occupying some property of Worth's. She was a cookey hippee occultist philosopher but trying to make a success of herself as a decorator. In the end they seem to get together but the end of the story is not explicit.

Found piece in the news paper about true love and another on love at second sight.

Sometimes with Lucy and now life in general I feel every moment to be symbolic. It cut the here and nowness of the relationship. I was always trying to see that there might be something and avoiding the obvious that she really didn't seem to care at all. Ii would see something happen and I would think "Oh yes there is the proof that she really cares for me and we are really going places and I would get excited and get into expectations and so on. When in fact I was not looking very closely at the usual stance that if you don't care, you don't care, so why am I troubling over this. It was because she did not seem to have any normal responses or something. I was treating her as if she had some sort of mania which had to be dealt with specially . I would often think that if she were to really encounter my aura her energy would rise sharply and her mind would be blown away, she would see her aura as a sort of cyclone and she seemed to act as if she were stoned. Always losing her purse and often having things happen to her. Like once a bucket of paint fell on her head when she was on-site for some business. Later she had called. She laughed about it. I was miffed because she seemed to treat herself like an idiot as if there was some sort of humility in it. This is not humility. But now I feel not only humiliated but somehow deflowered.

Aren't I being foolish? Yes I am. Every time you turn of the radio you here love songs which have the essential sad, sad message: "My girlfriend, wife doesn't love me (ran away, dumped me, loves somebody else) there were two things that influenced me to keep it open toward Lucy. The first was the projections that I thought came from her, the psychic component, and my intuitions. Second was the mirror girl or MG and the sign that I had asked for and received. The train metaphor. Meeting on the train. I was feeling later she was dreaming about being on the train with me. I had repeatedly told her that there wasn't`t much time, gnostic descent into matter. The pain of incarnation as spelled out in Kasper Hauser and the early gnostic works. Lucy is philosophical/emotional Kasper Hauser.

Moments of tenderness were few. As I got nearer she kept withdrawing. The more I desired the more certain that she would discourage. But if I indicated that I was leaving she would sort of start. I never pushed this. I never felt like leaving. I said this at PA park scene. When I love you, you don't receive. When I don't love you you love more. That's crazy. She sort of sighed and tried to laugh 'that's true she said' She had caught me in the cycle of victim rescuer and then persecuting victim, as she attempted to transfer over her existential agonies. She had the idea that the Beloved was coming and that idea had been attached to a certain party at university with whom she never spoke. When I arrived and she discovered that I was in fact a Shyam her idea of the beloved was very shaken.

She needed company and support but was averse to touch either inside or outside. Its odd, her mother was afraid of her fathers violence. They were about to be married. Two weeks before she saw him push a man. She didn't like him after that . But because of family and so on, she married anyway. They had five children Lucy was the eldest, three boys and two girls. In the end the father separated from the family.

In the pool while taking to Nancy, we talked about relationship, she brought up the gossip, her turn for relationship. It was truly key. She produced gossip in judgment of me. She didn't evaluate for herself, was very poor in her judgment because she seemed to be unable to discuss matters of fact about relationship. A habit no doubt gotten from her step parents and made her life very awkward. Only the yes's and no's and the most simple minded talk about guys and girls comes from these quarters. People who say potty and sand box and girls who pretend to faint when they see a penis and then have dreams about snakes in garden that bite their feet.

It was hard for me to take care of Nancy. For one thing she kept telling me she loved me even though she didn't really. It was tough to have her pulling on my strings in this way, because I had really liked her a lot in her prenervous breakdown days. I wanted to believe that she did love me. She was just in a bad state and needed to keep me around. After a while she began trying to treat me as a doctor. I insisted that I could only be her friend and help he with things as they were related to meditation and the spiritual. I could give her advise and I could offset the work with the doctor especially where they cannot handle the psychic aspects of her nightmare. So I pushed for her to obtain and continue with psychiatric care. She did and she succeeded.

I was nevertheless accumulating a lot of pain. She was transferring slowly her hurts over to me and would occasionally get so angry she would shake. She was a very strong woman and it felt like a praanic hurricane was shaking my inner being. Even so I had great faith that she would become whole again. She had a very angelic side which would emerge now and then. Where she had an angel inside and seemed demonic sometimes outside, Lucy seemed angelic outside and had demonic inside. Me? Well I wish somebody would let me know. A few people have told me that I have a really good heart.

One day I had been talking to Nancy at my apartment, at the front door. She had been yelling at me and I couldn't handle it anymore. She suddenly said that she was going to kill herself and ran to the back of my apartment where there was a balcony. She said I am going to throw myself off. A lot of thoughts went through my mind. I finally managed to say that it would hurt me if she did. Another hellish long moment of quiet. She came back to the door and said she "didn't love me that's all." Phew. Right choice of words. Days later we had a long talk on the telephone and she and I reached an understanding about it. I made her promise to live. She couldn't come to my house any more if she wouldn't.

I went over to Ashitosh's house and we went swimming at University to Montreal. Ashitosh is a really good swimmer. After we had a sauna, and talked about Shyam Space, business, the future and made jokes. He is a good musician and has a real aptitude for picking up music by ear. He runs a very good business selling clocks and watches wholesale. He invited me in and we smoked some hash. Well he is H'ashitosh I thought. He is very astute about Lucy. One day we had gone over to the Montclair ashram and visited someone there. He had a a quarter ounce of hash in his desk drawer. And had carved off several grams for us. Well I didn't say very much but it was in the back of my mind. It is one thing to smoke and another to deal. Possession under a gram is a minor offense, but retailing is an offence and wholesaling is still criminal. The problem was that he had been using the basement to do repairs on some very expensive cars. Ferrari, Porsche, and the like and it was an ashram. Ashitosh's wife was going to India with his boy and he was going to stay. His partner J. and his wife Soorya had already gone. It seemed like he had to stay behind a finance the whole group there. Not fair.

I was still meditating two or three hours a day. My business was only part time and so I had a lot of time to read. I read scriptures, religion, psychology, philosophy and was starting to build up another library. Still vegetarian and had stopped drinking coffee or tea. I never drank alcohol, so it was my twelfth year of delivery from that scourge

I was getting 'curiouser and curiouser' about the mystery girl. One day as I was driving up King Street I saw her sitting on her front porch and I noted the address. I wrote a letter for her and then went over to see Graham at his Balloon store and asked if he could get the Pierrot to deliver it. He was to wait for an answer if he could. Graham was my confidant. He too was beginning to wonder, though perhaps for very different reasons. Cuckoo, cuckoo.

June23: sent letter with Graham's balloon man to Mystery girl. June 12, 1986. I find out that she is sixteen. I feel a little foolish for even trying. I really have to ask myself what I am doing. I felt dead inside for a while after all this. I needed to believe that god would bless me in life benefit me in some way more substantially. With some bounty. I always believed in Shambo the meditator Self realizer sort of deity. But god the beautiful I never trusted. Now I will see god happening in my life. I had thought in the end Lucy will be mine. but then I began to feel that it had happened just to blow my mind. Forget about a relationship. God had given me this severe blow to my ego so that I remember more about the space. After all attachment brings pain doesn't it. At this point that sounded more like "they shoot horses don't they?" I know that attachments can be painful. I was trying my damnedest not to get involved with the wrong person. After a while I thought well I would meet someone else, maybe Nancy would recover and we would fall in love. Or Maybe Judy or even Violet. What kind of story are you telling me I thought to God, why did you do this for me.I can hurt myself without your help I thought. This will be a great test of faith, purification will get me this. Taking the dog out. patience, waiting, give it time.

I wanted a woman, a companion. Asked god. I tried for the best the highest. Would he deny me? Yes he/she would and in fact he did. Maybe it was wrong to think it in the first place. After what business do I have running after God for a girlfriend when the aim of the self realized is to be free from attachments. In any case what do I need from a personal God to show up in my life. The meditating advaitin must presume all this to be Just Maya. it's Mayanaise, just Mayanaise. I regretted trusting in a personal God. I went back to the ashram and licked my wounds. Guru is good enough. He can show me God and the meditation can do the rest. Lucky for me I have one.

It was St John the Baptist day. I thought about gurus and the differences between the prophets and the gurus. I never really thought much about it until I had been among the Christians in 84. They had strong feelings about that sort of thing. It was not to be taken lightly. Most Christian folk like to keep their Jesus and the Gurus strictly separate. They are insulted by the idea I suppose of some "pagan" Guru thinking he might be equal even to St. John. Little do they know. Still it didn't sound right.

John Mackenzie was an old friend who I hadn't seen for a while. He would come and go from New Zealand. It happened that I ran into him one day and we had a long talk. I was trying to tell him about what had happened to me although I didn't think I was very successful. Perhaps because I didn't know myself. As we were talking in front of Cinema V on Grove he suddenly looked up in the sky above and behind me to the south. I could see a "Wow", a big beautiful hippie "WOW" form on his lips. He took me by the shoulders and spun me around. It was an incredible rainbow hanging in three dimensions above us. We both paused and watch. Smiled. Later we talked about relationships. He felt that his relationship had thrived on competition. I felt that there had to be a strong cooperative spirit.

As I left him the sun was setting. Going across Girouard there was a ball of Gold sitting on the Western end of the street. The lights played on the cars which appeared as black silhouettes making a breaking a giant shutter. The sky seemed to be filled with being. I don't quite know how to describe what it is that I was there. I thought that the sky was alive. It was filled with an ancient being and this same being was infinitely deep.

The next day I went to the Royal Ville park and sat watching the ducks. There were five white ones swimming together. As I sat they came oven and seemed to be looking at me. Then they turned and swam away. The ducks had become living symbolism. They approached me and some how I was seeing them as the woman in my life. They took a look and then turned abruptly and went back down the waterway. Later I saw them again and I sang to them and they came over . Slowly they turned around again paddled off. One of them took a lingering backward look before going. I was feeling very alone and misunderstood again

"The romance is over", "that is for me," this is all just foolishness.

Five woman like these ducks have just swam away. Gurumayee, Lucy, Judy, Violet, Nancy

Scene with isolated duck at the foot of the island where the ducks rest.he honked loudly and hugged the rock while the ducks on top were murmuring back and forth and preparing to sleep. The lone duck remained outside continuing his loud calls at intervals. I feel I am the lone duck here in Westmount. Everyone else has gone to Kullu and is enjoying themselves. They are bathing in the bliss of the Guru and I am hung up here in the West.

Later this same duck is seen to corral a few of he others and issuing these same calls leads the way up to the top of the island. Finally they are all on top resting when I came by one mallard got up and went into the water. Followed by two white ducks. The mallard went for a short swim and came back . The other two swam around the island and there was a school boy with girl friend or sister who was pointed the ducks and laughing. I imagined they seemed to have been doing something sexual. The one duck swam right around an reentered the island. The last white ducked stayed in the water.

I see Lucy's brother Andrew everywhere. I feel that I can't get free from Lucy. That she has a grip on me and I can't get away, The Suit (conversation with Donnie debunker). Like a puppy with a fresh bone. Digging out the flowers. Too personal. The Case Shree Chinmoy - Blows in heart. Hospital White Nights. Sue the state- the state of Norwestworld Emphasis on mad nuclear Dad

I had been watching the neighborhood activity. I would take my coffee everyday in Westmount in Van Houte's. There seemed to be a little clique comprised of Alan Knight and Stephen Lacroix. My mystery girl seemed to show up every now and then and always at a marvelously coincidental moment. I began to think that I was really creating dramas for myself though and one day I thought really there ought to be some test for it. So I felt suppose there are not enough woman here. So far there have been only six tries to find a relationship i.e. Gurumayi, Lucy, Nancy, Judy, violet, and the Mystery girl. There had been seven originals if I included Aye. But since she had gone on drinking and wouldn't stop, I had dropped her off my list and crossed her out of my phone book. I thought, "Since there is such a great drama here let there be some sacred number like seven." The next day I went to Westmount somehow wanting to resolve the ever deepening mystery. As I past down Clairemount and Brooke, sure enough I saw the Mystery Girl. Then I parked and went into Van hootes and directly met Adele from the Encore un Fois restaurant. It was someone I had been interested in!! Well that is just a coincidence right. So what. I am wanting to see some coincidence and it happens. I canceled that one in my mind. The next day the same thing happens. This time it is Mystery girl on the corner and Flo-anne in Van Houtes. Neither Floanne nor Adele go to Van Houte often or if they do, not while I am there.

Well I just thought let it stand there. The coincidence rating is high but there is nothing conclusive here. Enough to make my mouth water but not enough to fill my stomach. The next day I was at Encore Un Fois and had met Christine over there. I invited her to go up to the Benedictine retreat center with me. She was not interested. I felt that I should just throw it in on relationship at this point. It was getting to be a problem. Yet I was ambivalent. I had used up a lot of energy in the pursuit of relationship and had suffered, but because of the suffering I felt even more inclined to find someone to be with. To cut the loneliness. I was favoring becoming celibate again. I was thinking this as I left the Cafe and then I ran into the mystery girl directly.

I dream of Lucy licking the fish. Four times trying to settle the link. By "the link" I mean I believed that I was in constant touch with Lucy psychically. Wanted to establish that definitely. She seemed to agree to a psychically arranged meeting. The first I have already spoken of.

Second attempt. Bench at clairmount - brother is there kitty corners bench- visit graham at B de B - see violet and invite to lunch - mellow going down Victory after - see Priscilla - feel good vibrations. Third. Carib festival - I thought she would meet me at Terre Etoile. She doesn't meet at Te - see mother and later see MG. Again I was thinking about Lucy and we had gotten to some agreement in my thoughts . Walked accross mountain and going down Victory. As I went down V. I was thinking to myself OK come out and meet me and I thought that she would - the vibration was positive.

So I had agreed with her to do so and was contemplating sitting at the end of King and waiting. Suddenly Graham came up at the corner of brook and Victory streets. I got involved with him and was about to break away when Andrea and friend came up and we four chattered for a while. It was to late to go back and try to connect again with L. I t would have looked silly anyway. So I went to pool. As I left the pool I was walking back along Brook and thinking all the while that I would still meet L. I was even saying in my head that I'm at such and such a place. I felt she was interested. But then I was shocked to see the MG come down King, Just as I was passing by. Shocked - my heart was beating wildly. Legs felt like jelly. I wanted to talk to her so much and so I waited at the corner. Sure enough as I sat she came by again and I called out to her - Did you get your balloons and letter?" She didn't answer but looked at me and she looked like she was saying "What are you talking about and who are you anyway?" Even though she was just quiet and only a tiny "what" actually came out as she continued across the street now rather in a hurry. I called out "wait" but she didn't and practically bolted across to the other side of brook. I felt depressed I thought she could well just take me for a masher. I just couldn't figure it out. Was I just doing it to myself. Did I arrange it all somehow? Why was it happening. The line from the song " must be a band of angels playing with my heart".

This was most important and most significant to me. The mystery girl had showed up in response to this feeling. At this point I felt that she earned the gold star for the "divine woman in my story" category. She won the oscar right at his point.

And I felt that there was less significance in what had happened with Lucy. I couldn't get it out of my head. I hadn't put all the pieces together from the year before and it seemed both marvelous and ridiculous. The meaning of it was obscure. It was only later that I was to find out what had really happened. Then I felt release from the tension I felt that I had missed the point. Somehow or somewhere in the haze of events something had not fit in or had not been understood.

Judy leaving her man. Judy and her boyfriend with whom she was living were always at the point of splitting up. I was often counseling her about it. She could never decide. Judy and I were good together for a while. She was therapeutic. She would get me involved in doing something. Going somewhere. She would come over to my house and bring a plant. But as often as not I would end up driving her somewhere delivering her Vegetable Pate to the health food store. It tasted terrific. But I had to drive her once too often.I complained. I feel like I am working for her. We had fun though and she was a strong woman with a good understanding of people. She was not very interested in Shyam. But because she had a sister who was with Rajneesh she had some idea of what I was doing. She confessed to me that she didn't like men with beards. I had had a beard for ten years and had shaved it off only a few months before I met her. I thought then I shouldn't look forward to anything permanent with Judy.

I would go down to Royalville park and sit half meditating half worrying about what was going on in my life. I would lie in the sun and ponder things or just watch the ducks and the waterfall to rest my mind. Sometimes I would see things in them as if they would dynamically form a metaphor in their activity. This you could call the superconscious state realizing through the natural, and messaging to itself. These aren't hard and fast omens but just poetic symbols developing through synchronicity. In the park there are two streams that rise separately in the park and flow into a central area where they meet. Each has a small waterfall a small lake. They meet under a footbridge where they disappears. They say there is in fact an underground river in the area.

One day Lucy's sister appeared and was sitting just at the point. Where Leslie had walked through the trees - the bower. Saw Lucy's brother countless times. Later - Leslie - then Knight and Klein. Then Lucy and Stephen. I was sitting watching the ducks one day when I noticed that there was a fight going on among them. One duck was being assaulted by two others. The two attackers had gotten on top on the other one and we pecking at it even tearing some feathers from it. Suddenly someone came up with a glass of water, at threw the water on them. They stopped right away. An image came into my mind. Two woman hurting Leslie, the mystery girl. Nancy inadvertently and Lucy deliberately. Through the space with psychic energy. Then I doubted myself. No, that's just foolish.

At Euf Pacelbel - Canon # 4 in D minor. Duck pond is empty. Sat in tree like Pan with flute. Kipling quote on fridge at ashram. Through thought alone feelings become knowledge. At park, one brown duck at the foot of the Island calls long lonely call three times and then remains quiet. Priscilla and mother pass by I feel like I'm dead inside so many woman with problems or without interest in spiritual life. God fails me, war is still threatening and the planet is still being poisoned. I lay on my back on the grass and watched the sky for a while. Slowly it appeared to be filled with Being. It wasn't just sky and blue, it was a "Being". The suggestion of a somebody rather than a something. Not an anthropoform but just a silent and still consciousness with the lightest touch and presence. It wasn't just out there, either, it was inside. I watched and felt that for quite a long time.

Conversation with Madhu during lunch at the ashram. Ravi and Chandra were around and I had arrived to greet them. She, Madhu, mentions the "Some of these older guys, . . . didn't have what it takes" and are a real painful experience for the ashram. She meant the Shyams that had started with him in early part of the seventies. She said that SCS had told the rest of them that they didn't have to know anyone else and that they should treat it that they are there with him alone. Around this time her sister had arrived from Kullu and had to go to the Allen.

That evening I felt that the presence was feminine. It was so soft and so exquisitely beautiful. There was a small voice to it, barely distinguishable it at all from my own imagining. Was it just my mind or had my mind become a more universal phenomenon. It was sweet, whatever it was, and I felt comforted. That feeling stayed with me for a few days, then dissolved.

We are born with a certain kind of structure to live to struggle to win, to compete and to love - to see the world and experience it fully and to build things, even empires. It is natural. If we are excessive in any of these things it is not wholly our fault, it was nature-given in the first place. Forgiving ourselves and our partners is a major element of good relations. And if one is with a partner who seems to depart from the normal, natural, good, comfortable or righteous on these accounts, should one then start to fight with them, or do to them what they do to us? To end up in a War of the Roses, like Michael Douglas and  Kathleen Turner? We endeavor to direct them through love to the right and true, but what do we know about it? Isn't that the cause celebra. The right and true is always supposed to be healthy, joyful and free. This direction must mean egolessness, requires great effort, strength, courage and freedom-to-be on one's own part. So she/he must realize the conflicts in her/his own mind and be free from doubting and learn to exercise freedom in all its facets in the joy and the knowledge. Relationship is not a "I'll damn well do what I please" affair nor is relationship so binding that the loss of freedom is intolerable as if to be enslaved. It is so difficult at times to break through the chill of a wounded personality, maimed affects, in relationship struggles that it seems to be absolutely amazing almost half of all married North Americans get through without divorce, major violence, or adultery.