The Crux

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939).  The Wind Among the Reeds.  1899.

30. Hanrahan laments because of his Wanderings

O WHERE is our Mother of Peace
Nodding her purple hood?
For the winds that awakened the stars
Are blowing through my blood.
I would that the death-pale deer
Had come through the mountain side,
And trampled the mountain away,
And drunk up the murmuring tide;
For the winds that awakened the stars
Are blowing through my blood,
And our Mother of Peace has forgot me
Under her purple hood.

I had this dream in 1981. It is taken from my diaries. I'm dancing with someone, its a long slow waltz crushed into one another's bodies. My hand is on her rump which is very soft. She's wearing no underwear, she explains "I'm staying with a friend, she meditates all the time. I've lost all my things, so I tried to put something together. But there's nothing going on in this place. Total silence. So we just did what we could which is put this skirt together". She takes my hand and puts it inside the waist-band to show me that she is naked under the skirt. Then I had awaken.

It was about Nancy, I recognized her. It is now1986 though. So that was almost five years ago. It expresses how she felt about her Sadhana. When she left Keval Krishna he had taken all her possessions. She abhorred the silence of the ashram and yet she could not put aside the spirit. She didn't know that she could compromise. She wavered between nun and self designated prostitute. She felt she had either to take the Counsels of Perfection or she was 'bad'. The confusion lies in understanding the otherness of God as the judgmental being who condemns one's every joy. God is not like that. Perfection is not mandatory for everybody, it is a gift of potential for anyone who really wants it. If you want to attempt self realization then the total joy of it is there. No one is forcing it on you and certainly not God. It is there as the supreme possibility for those who would make the effort. If you don't make the effort that's OK. So Nancy was confusing Catholicism and guilt with Liberation. She was never bad. She expected herself to be perfect.

I went to the center one day and was meditating there. A woman Hirdaya was there. She was in meditation too. I opened my eyes and was gazing about waiting for someone else to become active when I noticed how silently Hirdaya was sitting. She was so steady and scarcely a breath moved in her. A small smile had formed and her eyes did not move. Her body seemed to reflect deep space, as if it were a lens and even in the late afternoon light I could see into the starlit depths of outer space. Minutes passed and then she too came out of meditation. In the instant before her body moved, before her mind manifested again, I saw, a flash, a streak of yellow or golden light move from above the crown of her head to her seat, as if a soft and diffuse lightening bolt had come from inside her.

Afterwards she played her violin and we sang a song of higher consciousness. We talked for a while then and went into the kitchen to have a snack and some tea. Lucy's name came up. Hirdaya said, "O her, She was perfectly awful to Aanand. He said that she needed to be exorcised or something. She was just looking for a man and didn't have any real interest in the Space. Don't bother for her Natch. She's not worth it."

I said, "I hope its not too late. Too bad I didn't know earlier."

We left it at that and moved on to more pleasant topics.

Leslie the mystery girl, had been by when I saw AN & JK . Joanne K had run into Graham and had come on to him. Graham introduces necklace from Tibet—she's infatuated with him, so she says it gives her a pain to take it off. She had gone to a meeting of TMers and someone had run from the side of the room and snatched it out of her hand explaining that she must not wear it. Man had fell off cliff — the vibrations were still in the corral beads. She would be subject to shocks and bumps. The psychic then tells her that she has destiny to finish some old Karma and that she should take up with an old boyfriend who is wealthy, so JK gives the necklace back to Graham. A pall was cast on relationship. Graham and I discussed it along with his meeting with Greek .

His Greek encounter: A quasi shamanistic type who had introduced him to ideas of Tibetan Buddhism had seemed to have powers of mind. Graham was very upset— felt freaked out . The mention of powers had bothered him . He mentioned the concourse of flyers for world peace along with the use of powers in Tibetan Buddhism. Apparently the bad luck of the charm had passed back to me. It was winter and on way to YMCA I ran over bottle inside paper bag which had been left in the roadway. I go back to Graham. I outline his inner struggle for him. I pointed out JK's pain on leaving her Guru and her emotional investment in her teacher, related to his fear of powers in TM movement and fear concerning Tibetan Yoga and Secret doctrine, along with the new age interest in such things. He goes back to store and chooses Chinese ivory beads, with Greek brass and makes up with JK. I see that it was Al K influence that brought it about. Spirit wrestling with Al Knight. Remember Nancy had said I want to call you Allan. One day as Graham and I had been talking about the bad luck associated with this necklace and were on our way down to the bead store. We found a fire truck parked outside his apartment. We were just talking about the bad luck associated with the necklace and wham, there was a fire truck sitting in front of his apartment. Graham says his son might be at home, so he rushes in to check it out. The fireman have been in the basement checking for a gas leak

During the summer I had instigated a regular theme of picnics at the park in which we would gather together those people we know who care about the world and who were into doing something about it. It was a potlatch and often as many as ten people would show up. I met many who really had a lot on the ball and who were well informed conscious types doing good to this world. I felt good with it.

Accidental meet at ALVH with Lucy; I had left the lights on in the car and had run down the battery uncharacteristically I had taken the bus down to A & A and had been on the way back and had stopped at Clarity and Brook to go to the bank. As I stopped off the bus I saw L. Through the window of V. Houte. At first I didn't want to talk to her. I had been thinking for quite a while that I didn't ever want to do a thing for L. again. I was so fed up that I could just spit when I thought of her. But there she was. I walked by and sat down and was thinking well if she comes out then I will talk to her if she wants to talk to me. Finally I succumbed and went in. I asked her if I should talk to her. She said that she had felt yesterday that she would see me today. She had been feeling that she was going to be talking to me or something. I didn't quite catch it as I was already considering what to talk about. I sat down and felt very stiff, there was strange energy in the air.

Lucy, "We should cooperate." She looked very pleased with herself.
Me "We meet when there is a chance for harmony."
She took it no further, even though she had proposed it.
I said, "There is no pouring water in to a cup that is full there is no point in talking about something that is already decided, but if there is a chance for harmony then I am ready for this conversation. I feel Lucy, that you are judgmental when you shouldn't be and don't discriminate when you ought to. There is a difference between discrimination and judgment don't you think."
She just shrugged. She had more famous shrugs than Trudeau.
We had a short discussion in which we covered some old ground. "Why judge people."
"Somebody has to judge, there can be no law without it. There can be no spiritual life if one cannot discriminate between what is good practice and what is bad practice."
"So."
"Well anyway . . . "
Me again, "I feel that you regarded me as being invisible. Often I would be talking to you and you would not even be seeing or hearing me." I waved my arms about imitating someone trying to wave down a car. She just looked a me. I was almost invisible again.
A child walked by the table and she looked at it as if it were a fly walking on the counter. It was a beautiful child and I smiled. I loved kids. It was obvious that she didn't.
She asked me, "Have you thought about your femina, lately."
"My femina?"
"I mean your anima. Maybe you need something more on the feminine side."
She had been working with a guy who was into Jung. Perhaps this is what she was driving at. I waited for her to go on but she didn't. She seemed to be going into a trance and when I noticed it, she came out of it.
Me, "I thought that you were a little crazy. That I felt you were half out of your body and that I didn't know what kind of person you would turn out to be. You seem to lack any feeling for me and too much calculation about your control of your desires by what you decide to want."
"I decide what I want, and I feel for that." She said brusquely and even proudly. It was as if she would just turn her heart on and off.
Too bad I thought.
Lucy, "I'm not interested in relationships that are love that is between two pains".
I said, "It is too bad that that is what you know of love."
I personally had higher expectations. And better memories.
Finally she said, "I can't satisfy you. You say discriminate and then don't divide ."
I said, "Its because you discriminate when you should be uniting. You think when you should be in your heart, and you are in your heart when you should be using your head."
She was quiet.
I said, "You said you like things to be ordinary yet everything is very unordinary with you. What about these things anyway what is the big deal about the dreams and what was the beloved."
She started a bit, "Oh, it was just . . . . I don't know. I don't like to talk about it."
Me. "You did not know what you were saying, why don't you go and visit all the teachers?
Lucy, "There is no priests in the Bahai faith. We teach ourselves."
I'm making no progress. Thinking that I'm wasting my time.
"Do you have a girl friend?" She asked diffidently.
Me, "Yes. How's your boy friend? How's it going?"
Lucy "Yes but its not that." Something. "its quite alright." Waffle waffle. I didn't quite hear and perhaps wasn't intended to.
Me, "I have been rather busy since I left you."
She, "Actually my relationship with my boyfriend is quite serious. I don't want to mislead you. "
She seemed to be covering up her express interest now that she has found out that I have someone. I'm not interested in getting involved again.
Me, "Tell me about the dream which you were going on about. What is the big deal, why the mystery. Your mystery is the cause of all our problems of communication and relationship. Is just nothing there that needs to be a mystery, the essential things are known or knowable even in religion."
Lucy, "Surely some little corner of the universe is not known. Why."
Me "Yes, but you make so much of your mystery."
She tells me the rest of the dream
"In California pushing people into boats, they were going to have a third world war, NUCLEAR WAR. And they were putting people into boats. To escape"
Me, "The man in the dream, the prophet what about him?"
"He was an old man with a white beard, had a large collection of things. On unity, from, um, he, uh, made paper dolls out of my stuff. I put my arm around him to comfort him."
I looked at her and thought, "why didn't you."
Lucy again, "His wife had died."
I sighed, "Yes the love had died." I thought of Arthur again.
Me, "He had a white beard?" She nodded.So did I have a beard, though not a white one.
Me, "What about the leaking. Leaking . . . . Wasn't there something about leaking after. Or was it the boats?"
Lucy "No, there wasn't leaking there was an apartment and the tiles were coming up. And mother was there she was pressing me about this situation. It was in 1982 that I had the dream yes I remembered that it was to be ten years after."
Me, "What about the boats?"
Lucy, "Yes everybody was trying to get into boats or ships so they could escape. But there was something wrong and the boats weren't working."
I just shook my head. A Nuclear war, God. That was it. There had been something more to it. The missing element. What did it mean. She had said something about realizing that she must be near what she loves the most and what she fears the most. She mentions that we should cooperate.
She said, "You should pray "
I said, "Why should I pray. My life is prayer. Why should I pray to Him. Rather he has already given me the job. Do you remember the story in the bible about Jesus going out to pray. And a cloud came up and addressed him "you are my beloved son," Jesus then says to the people nearby. "This is for you and not me."
"If you were afraid that I am manipulating you. Why can't you just read the material like a normal person. Pull it apart if necessary. You just work it out. This is right this is wrong. I said this . I didn't say this. This is misunderstood etc. What is the problem of reading the book."
She shrugged. I paused. No comments. Not going anywhere. Pulling teeth here. She started to say we are never separate. And then thought the better of it. Petered out.
It was time to go. We walked out on the street and went over to the corner where she was going to catch a bus. I said, "Are you worried that I am to strong for you?" She shrugged "Oh no that is not a problem." Then I said to her, "You feel that I should not criticize religions. And yet criticism can be constructive. I don't just tear things down I am trying to build." She did not appear to be very interested. "That 's OK," she demurred. Someone whom she knew from Concordia had gone by and asked how she did on the exams. She seemed to butt heads with him, throwing herself suddenly in close to him. "I got a B plus," she said. He looked like he hadn't expected such a competitive answer. I left at this point that her aura was filled with darkness and there was but a thin thread of silver surrounding it. She was intensely angry inside. I felt repulsed by her company and was glad when the bus came and she got on.

So that was it I thought. When she mentioned this time it was about NUKES I felt that things were suddenly making sense. That nagging feeling I had a summer suddenly disappeared. On the first pass she had said, merely, a war or a couple of wars and it was not the important part of the dream. Now suddenly we are talking about not wars that have passed but one that was yet to come. She had been right about the address. She had more than a few details correct. She had fought with her mother and had then come to my house at 396. Was she right about the Nukes. My stomach turned. That can't be. Still there was no way that I could say that there wasn't. Even if there wasn't it still appeared as if she, even leaving this out to the last moment had left out something very important.
 

Matthew 6: 31 So do not worry saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 36 Be merciful just as your Father in heaven is merciful . 37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will be poured into your lap. For in the same way you judge others you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured it to you. He also told them these parables. "Can the blind lead the blind. Will they not both fall into a pit.

Vision about fish again. Again a woman is fishing. She pulls two fish out and has one in each hand. She licks one and chucks the other one under her chin, I go through and imaginary scene in which three fish jump out of the water and do a little dance for her.

I have felt that she is very masculine with regard to me. Outwardly she was very feminine but inwardly she was of a masculine mentality. She tried to bury this side of her. She was always afraid that her mustache would show. She feels she knows because she has access to the powers and psychic realm. She tries to impress people with pulling things out of their minds. But still she has no intellect. She doesn't really see anything at all. She lives in the other world. She egoizes this to balance her basic feeling of inadequacy, of humiliation at home and at school and the pain she got because her sensitivity overwhelmed her fragile mind. She was angry herself and couldn't bear it in others. If anything stirred her up she was blind and deaf to it. Things just kept coming out of her uncontrolled and of which she herself did not understand. The powers were her security. She called these gifts but because of her ego they became stolen goods.

She had implied that her heart did what she wanted it too.
 

"Love intentionally produced, shows indifference of hostility in perversion. This means: love as an emotion cannot be commanded." P4 Love, Power and Justice, Paul Tillich, Oxford U. Press, London, 1972 (1954)

The theme about the radio. I could turn on the radio when it was playing "you must be an angel" - Madonna
On car radio I would pick time that certain songs would were reoccurring. Picked up Madonna's Angel song at least three times.
You build that wall , How will I know that she really loves me.
L. "I am ignorant I am ignorant" I'm relieved thinks Natch.
Laconic - terse to the point of being rude or mysterious.
While with John Leatherbarrow, the word doxa, a Greek word meaning common belief or popular opinion, from which are derived the modern terms of orthodoxy and heterodoxy, came up and Lucy contradicts me. I used the dictionary to prove my definition. She's competitive.

Sept 23, 1986; letter to Lucy: Sept 26/86: she did not reply. But the vibrations even at my house were really heavy. I could feel things in my aura. I felt energies passing though me. It didn't feel good, an ego intellectual disease, she had seen the blue pearl. The seeing of the Blue pearl is supposed to indicate a level of insight or of personal development. It isn't just a thing that appears with extraordinary powers it is something that is the expression of the evolution of the seeker.

The power of the centers emerged as a nexus activities due to various complexes that she had. While not manifesting directing her overall effects was disastrous. In particular, there is a certain affirmation power or projective power in every body. We rub off on one another. That is why we like to be with happy people and away from agitation and disease. But to be around somebody with such power and in such a pathological condition is both disturbing and confusing. One's own mind becomes bent. I was working it out on a tape recorder, start first words as part of sentence just finishing— bombs and nuclear weapons —I then had a very large pain in my heart.

I have written the preceding writing a long time back. Now I am in 1994 talking to you, my Self, from the future and saying to Eric. "You poor sap, everything that you experience in the astral is a product of Shyam's demented spooks. It is made (as attitudes) from a serpent, a cobra, not a kundalini but a snake mind (sarpo, nagas). On top of that a crocodile, and a Hanuman, the monkey God of the Ramayana. And a Garuda. He made it specifically to hurt anybody who doesn't love Shyam. How long will take you to find out. You will be so hurt and embarrassed to talk about her this way. So bite your tongue now and watch carefully how this unfolds."

I go on blithely writing now in 1986 though unaware of my future. I had gone over to Montclair. There was the beginnings of the ashram there and the house in the following year was bought up by Ellen Rietman (Gyaan) and dedicated to the service of Swami Shyam. There I met Manoj who had been in jail. He was at the house with Shankar and Nina, and a few others on a visit. Manoj was saying that he had gone to Bolivia. He looked at me and said, "I was riding through the mountains and I had a weapon with me." He looked at me as if to warn me off. He had gone down to South America Chile or Peru or Bolivia and had been into the mountains on horseback. He said he carried a gun with him and simultaneously looked at me as if he were going to cut my throat. He looked very heavy and had been eating meat in the prison. His air was very tough, having lost the naive look of a West Coast hippie marijuana and acid salesman. He left shortly after. He had one day while we were both in Kullu been nudged over a cliff by Shyam as they were coming off the ledges behind the old meditation room. I believe he went bad right then and there. He had fallen and tumbled about 150 feet and had sprained his wrist trying to catch a hold. He said that it almost killed him and that he just wasn't sure whether Shyam had done it deliberately.

Then I wandered into the next room to find Ian and Nina came by calling for Shankar. She scarcely gave me the time of day. Nina and Shankar had been living at First Avenue Ashram for quite some time and then she had moved down to live at the Marriette ashram in Montreal. Ironically she now had a bad back. Many people who had taken Shyam's advice on backwalks were now suffering for it. I was fed up. Shankar is a big fellow who used to live on Gabriola island and dealt marijuana all around the west coast. He had come from America to avoid the draft. His family was a wealthy one and he had studied humanities at university and left. He was with a wife called Shakti (Anne).

I meditating on Shankarand ended up in a long dream of sorts. They are doing mushrooms and had found an arrowhead: Shankar is beginning to understand Shyam's fears. And he sees inside and man with a bunch of strips. Then shyam is reaching with two hands into his consciousness and ones goes into the sushsumna and pulls stuff out and the other into the sahasrar, they are both stoned., Shankar stands up and has to do something. He has risen right away shyam pulls on his sexual chakra space and strips some stuff on the sex chakras and memories and then right under the butts in the moolaadhaar chakra and Shankar screams in the ethers and but says nothing because he wasn't really conscious that he was screaming or that his fears had flashed by in his consciousness. Then Shyam is looking at it, he unfolds pages of his fears (in the space of mind and the auras) He sees in there is Shankar's desire to go to his fathers house and take him out in the woods after giving him acid (LSD) and leave him there screaming in confusion. Shankar's thought is to go back to the house and wait and see if he is to come back and if he does shankar will take no guff from him. If his father says anything about Shankar he will hit him with his fists and get him down on the floor and hurt until he bleeds, He sees in Shankars mooladhar that he has already beaten a man bloody and another man is dead. It was somebody Shankar knew. Then Manoj also and there are two big men who love taking acid and who are dealers and who can use violence. He, Shyam, is the sorcery and he finally gets to put some stuff into Shankar's fears in the mooladhar, and it is an arrowhead or a missile of some kind. And Shankar is not as smart as Manoj and after that he is doing mantras at he highest speed gaie ganapti jagavandan and then he goes into samadhi and he comes out after ten minutes with a start and the energy is very high and he is confused. But he fears Shankar until he finds a way to get the snakes (the projections of his fears) under control and finally he does.

Then he puts it through the mind and the praans into Shankar and closes it up and starts talking quietly. Finally he pats Shankar on the back and says he will help him and as long as he doesn't hurt anybody too much. Shyam thinks, "especially me." He goes into the ethers and finds a whole lot of their stuff and saying he never knows when to find a man with a satchel. And after jumping back from the ethers he has many scenes in his hands and they look like parchments of the vedas. He looks them through and finds one that he knows, "the society doesn't love your thoughts, that means society doesn't love society" for example and rolls it up then and Shyam thinks, "I am angry about this and in the middle of this bundle of mind stuff called chitta is some of Shyam's "powerful thoughts" (his lies) stuff and he makes it into a role, stretching it and it becomes a snake that flies into the minds below the ethers and it looks like a vassana ( a channel and it begins to acts through the mans own memories), and Shankar is fixed up and shyam has lost his fear of that man, because he knows anytime he needs to, he can reach the into the man's mind and tickle the fears and it will fire like a snake with its tail being touched.yes, and then, the missing man. That is. And with Keerti he had right away put 18 things into her, and he meets Manoj and he takes a guess and he says by telepathy 'you must be the man with the satchel, eh,' Manoj's mind says, "No, its Shankar," because his mind is much faster even than Shankar's. In any case Shyam finds out there has been a death, a murder among them. and still Shyam is going to be with them because he has just come from Calgary where he just fixed somebody else up.

I mentioned nuclear war to Nancy and she instantly freaked out about how she couldn't give and damn and that didn't concern her in the least - I was very offended and I knew that I didn't want to be with her on that account. we had a fight and she left hastily. The next day I was very upset again and I resolved to discuss matters with Lucy. I went down to Royal Ville thinking to meet her somehow.

Stephen appears, and he steers the conversation right round to where I start with Lucy, sound warning. We must go on. She is using her powers and abuses, she is sitting in valley and army wants to go through. That she must do something or get out of the way, he mentions how two masters often fight, competition of masters he says. I tell him that he and I could have settled the matter in ten minutes. He looks as if he agrees. she has had problems he says. Later Pam Shore tells me that she had hurt him. I knew that because I had met him in Euf and had mentioned two things to him and saw his eyes water. first was Lucy and second was Shyam

I went over to visit Usha. She has become a seamstress. While she works we talk. I outline how I feel about Lucy and how she seems to be troubling telepathically. She had lived in Bali.

Me, "Do you believe me Usha?"
Usha, "Ya lissen. In Bali the sorcerers kill each other with their minds!"
Me, "Oh, oh."
the peace war with Lucy: vision of Krishn

I was sitting one day in Van Hootes and remembering Shyam. I thought of him as Krishn. Suddenly in the clouds outside I felt an immense presence. It was clearly in my imagination and yet had a quality or strength of its own. I could project it or it could be just a form that I gave to the subtle consciousness of the cosmos. He put his flute to his lips and played. It was the Leela that was coming through the Kundalinee. My chakras were fluted in resonance with a play of love and life. I heard that music very strongly and I felt my skin go into goose bumps.

On that same day I imagined that Shiva was purifying the city in a subtle way. His form in this local was being powered through my hopes and dreams of the success of pure consciousness, the purity of thought in the air of Royal Ville. So many bad trips I had run into were being speared by his trident. The Shiva Tandawas or dance of purification was starting and he was riding his Nandi bull. The tremendous strength of meditation and tapasya moving through the turbulent mind city scrape knocking down demons left and right.

To resolve things with Lucy I could not go just within myself and work it out; it is more like attending on her in person because it seems she is always listening when I think of her. It is not just settled inside myself because she has already shown me that she penetrates inside my mind while she was with me and in fact being as concentrated and psychically aware as she is, it is like having my every thought about her reviewed by her.

It is in the power of love that we find our fulfillment. Without love there can be no rest, no beauty, no joy. This love is based on two things ultimately, purity and consciousness. If one is not pure in his intentions then the same power of love becomes a destructive energy. It is because God is behind all love and it is his means to bring his glory on earth, therefore when entering into the depths of love in a holy sort of way, one should be the purest, and this means egoless or to be thinking always for the whole.

If one has powers like we do and misuse these powers then the result will be the very opposite of what one has set out to achieve in the first place. Because the power had entered into us for some reason other than to be used exclusively for our own interest and because you deemed it necessary to qualify what had already been given to us according to our specific opinions concepts, and conditioning instead of just letting go and flowing with the holy power, we again and again are falling into problems and feeling terrible pains. These pains which we call other peoples are the result of this abuse of holy power. They are the fruit of our actions coming back to us immediately, brought back to us by the same means that we have abused—the spirit world.

I meet Jwalla and he tells me that he knew Lucy from Windsong (the group centered around psychic phenomenon and some yoga). She had seemed to him to be into power, manipulation and control. I discussed it further with him and said that I seemed to be in a complete war with the woman. He said maybe its a Ramayana. I laughed. The chief antagonist of Ram is Ravanna and although her dies in the end he is liberated by Ram before he dies. Perhaps she should be realized.

She is into power, manipulation and control and because she is so passively aggressive toward men generally ( though passive in action) her attention become a violation of my space and an assault.it is true of me also. The more I tried to get it off my mind the greater was the interference and suppression until finally there was really intense power struggle going on. On the level of the psyche she seemed to me to be so strong that I felt seriously threatened by her as if by an alien force. It must have been the same for her. Most particularly she would never admit that she wanted me, but on her own terms, and she really resented the Guru with whom I would not part. I disliked her religion with which she would part either.

My opinion of her and her own opinion of me were probably based on similar prejudice. The truth was in her prophet. Mine was in the guru. She had gotten inside me according to me and visa versa according to her, and was controlling but she was not into anything but finding someone who would slavishly take care of her while she continued her self development and kept her power for her own purposes. That was my short tempered interpretation of responsibility in marriage and in the house.

Peace programs; GROWTH, COMMUNICATION, EMPATHY, WORK

Old woman comes on to me. "Adam and eve Cain and able don't you have any cigarettes", as she passes by. The film steaming Flak in the space more space war

I met through a mutual friend Kathia a fine guy named Richard Neftin. He had studied ecology at university. He had been in Halifax one year and by way of protesting the building of nuclear reactors and to try to make Halifax a nuclear free zone they had formed a protest. On occasion of the anniversary of Hiroshima they had drawn silhouettes of vaporized people of the sidewalks and walls of the city. They had been arrested and put in jail. He was a veteran peace worker. We often talked at Van Houte and we became fast friends. He had been at the Findhorn community in Scotland. Findhorn was a universalistic type community committed to new ideas, mysticism, peace and alternative technologies. I told Richard about my life and my story. I told him about the dreams that Chapel had had and the feelings I had about the utter senselessness of cold war. I said that I hoped that somehow I could stir the consciousness of North America with a story such as mine. He rallied for me. "Write it." He was definite.

The energy was so bad with around Westmount I went to the hospital for heart check. The rhythm was very irregular. While I was waiting in the reception area I looked at the TV. It was Sunday morning Evangelist broadcasting and Jimmy Swaggart was on the stage. He was walking back and forth on the stage swaying and talking. He talked about his vision. He saw the Lord. When he finish his description of it I knew that he hadn't seen the Lord at all. He had seen his own mind and its aspiration to see the Lord. It seemed that this particular Sunday he was very disturbed by the fate a preacher that had gone to Tibet. The man could not convert anybody. The didn't like him. Swaggart said that the Tibetans didn't even want to bury him.

I thought, "The Tibetans often don't bury anybody. They put the bodies out on the rocks for the vultures. They do this because the ground is often to hard to bury anybody. There is scarcely any wood to burn the corpse so they leave it for the vultures. Its ecological." But no Swaggart was very insulted. He went on to talk about how the modern intellectual had espoused a religion of the self. These intellectuals were victims of Satan he thought. Well Buddhist anatma doctrine says swaggart is confusing Buddhism and Tibet with the Hindu self-realization. What a nerd. I tried to change the channel. Unfortunately they couldn't do so without a key. Nobody had one.

Later I read the biography of the missionary who went to Tibet. He was full of Hell fire and very angry even when he was resident in Switzerland. It is no surprise that the Tibetans with a sophisticated religion like Buddhism would not even listen to a fundamentalist. Swaggart's techniques for preaching and his style of delivery correspond to the Voodons dances of Africa.

Door stuck in metro. I think I should close the door and get my train in motion

While thinking about my adventure and the coincidences involved someone told me that a friend from the ashram Aanand was going to India. Many people were going at the same time. There were seven woman who were gong to accompany him. I laughed. He going to be with Guru and I am stuck here with this crowd. The Karmalarm was on. The computer breaks while writing about this. (I start to wonder just how much power Lucy had.)

But this was Swami Shyam's involvement and this is where his spooks really reveled. They really wish to have a power of the material world. They were very psychic and had some power to engage the vital energies of a person they abused. So whenever anything could be ascribed to their power they were there in the space suggesting that they did it. But then since their need was to serve Shyam they would try to inspire the idea that someone else had done it, and that then would be their secret. In fact the computer went down at that time because it just stopped — all other ascriptions as to cause came from their hypnosis during my sleep and to applying their will power to my memories of sanskars. Since I was already bagged by Shyam in his ashram I just couldn't figure this out until they became obvious in their attack which was almost eight years later.

I went to the park and sat down in the arm of an old willow. It was near the same spot where the mystery girl had appeared. While gazing at this spot Priscilla, Lucy's sister came in a white dress and sat on the low stone wall which borders the path along which she had walked. It was the very spot where the MG had walked while I was looking for a sign! She had appeared just at the time that I was thinking about the woman in my life and the relation to god and signs.

Dec 17 /86: Judy helps—such a good woman. I was discussing Nancy and her desire to die. Judy says, "Why can't they live even one more day. You know if you can live through the day then tomorrow can be better. Such a waste."

One time Nancy had been at my house over night. She remarked that she was so afraid of Keval. It seemed to her that he would fly through the window and jump right into her heart and mind. He had powers she thought and was using them on her. I held her in my arms and sang some songs. I was fearing that it was the truth that Keval was a yogi gone rotten. They had both been in India for a year and returned full of energy. They met in late 1982 and had moved out of the ashram and had lived in their own apartment in 1983. Within a couple of years they had both gone off the deep end. Especially herself. I wondered why Shyam had not prevented it from happening. Supposedly they were both his students. Little did I know that they were plagued by the same thing that hit me in the end.

Judy gives me some massage. I was so happy to have it. I feel some bad energy pass through me and I thought it was Lucy,. But it might have been Nancy. I was in a very heavy period with Lucy and Nancy was still pretty bad too. I felt that Lucy was putting a heavy concentration of negative energy into the atmosphere and this was pushing into Nancy at the same time . My own head was a whirl wind of anger and despair by this time. I was right on the edge.
 

Acts 5:1-4: There was another man, however, called Ananias. He and his wife, Sapphira, agreed to sell a property; but with his wife's connivance he kept back part of the proceeds, and brought the rest and presented it to the apostles. "Ananias," Peter said, "how can Satan have so possessed you that you should lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back some of the money from the land? While you still owned the land it was yours to keep, and after you sold it wasn't the money yours to do with as you liked? What put this scheme into your mind? It is not to men you have lied but to God." When he heard this Ananias fell down dead. This made an profound impression on everyone present. The young men got up, wrapped the body in a sheet, carried it out and buried it.

About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had taken place. Peter challenged her, "Tell me was this the price you sold the land for?" "Yes," she said, " that was the price." Peter the said, "So you and your husband have agreed to put the spirit of the Lord to the test! What made you do it? You hear those foot steps? They have just been to bury your husband; they will carry you out too" Instantly she dropped dead at his feet. When the young man came in they found she was dead, and they carried her out and buried her by the side of her husband. This made a profound impression on the whole Church and all who heard."
 

I felt horrified to hear this story. To me it is Peter murdering these two people with his power. They were killed for their fraud. [So too I felt that Lucy may in a blind rage access some forgotten power of a previous dimension and actually kill me by this same phenomenon]

Total projection from Shyam unto Lucy was complete here. I didn't know that the spooks were doing the energy transfers and they were murderers in the akaash. The type that shows up in the yoga books doing tapasya in the Himalayas are never what you think. They don't have the motivation that the Christians do and many are just plain crazy or worse.

Let. To Lucy Dec 17/86: copy for her brother. Then I wrote a letter for her. I took two copies and went again to Royal Ville thinking something might happen that I run into her brother. Andrew appeared so I wrote his name on one copy and gave it to him said it was very important that he should himself read it and pass the second copy to Lucy. Then I left after this summary speech. Xmas 86 in Ottawa. Shiva cleans the clouds. Think Lucy or Nancy is dying. Seven spears in the heart. What is happening for God's sake?

There was a terrible scene around Christmas time . The Ashrams had started doing long chanting sessions of Gayatri some times five hours or 1008 repetitions at a time. I began to see huge black bubble over Prince Albert Street. I called on Shiva and could see him cruising the skies with Nandi using his trident to spears little demons that were in the skies over the city. Vision of Krishn while at ALVH he played his flute and I was thrilled. (This was the spooks sinking their teeth into my joy of music — into the hita or heart channels —something they did during the night and then activated later. All this is explained later) I went to Ottawa and Ram told me about six year cycles. This could be a down cycle for me. I saw some astral body floating up to Ottawa still talking to me through the space. I felt that she was going to die. I had sent Nancy down to her father's place to get her out of the way. We watch Zefferelli's Messiah on the video. I was acutely aware of Judas being set up by Christ. And I left the house shortly after. Then realized I had left the Ashram as Judas had left the Last supper. I reconsidered publishing my story with the critiques in it because I was worried that if I involved Shyam in a heavy drama that he might get killed.

The Bahais as you will hear later on have a house of justice concept and they do think to promulgate the laws of the Bahai also. That is they accuse people necessarily at some point as being ne'er do wells and fools if they won't agree that the House of Justice is the only true justice in the light of God Himself. That is another awesome authority apart from the Imam and the Canon law of especially of the roman Catholics. Note bene that Lucy wasn't born into the Bahai faith but decided in her adult years to espouse the doctrine that are set out in the Bahai scriptures, but where are the necessary police of the House of Justice. Coming soon! You can count on it.

Shilendra Jan 87: Satsang on Hai: when a straw is poked into the skin the pain is very small but when the same straw is poked in the eye the pain is very intense. This is the same as the difference between the pain of falling from the state of bliss and the pain of stubbing your toe. It is an inverted way of looking at the bliss of self realization. Shilendra and I met and he discussed with me the nuclear situation. He said that he was completely uninvolved and that as far as he was concerned if the bombs were coming that he wished it would fall right on his head.

Euf: talking to Christine. Invite to Benedictine retreat refused. Thinking of becoming Brahmacharya (celibate) again. Meet MG. I was still having to deal with Nalini or Nancy who as I said had gone with Keval Krishn into a relation that had gone wrong. In 1985 she had left the guy with some difficulty and stayed at the ashram on Hampton where Mahaananda had been running his group. Keval had been in India at Kullu valley with Shyam for almost a year. So had she. She had moved down from Ottawa and had started living with him in 1983 late while I had been in Toronto. Shyam's advice to her was to think that he was Vishnu.

I wrote to India because I was very disturbed by the fact that she was not properly taken care of somehow. She had been a very fine woman inside and the guy Keval had been in the ashram. What had happened.

Now the next monkey concerns Nalini and her illness. She was diagnosed psychotic in January of this year. I had spent as much as 1500 hours this year with her and now she is stable if still a little neurotic. If you should ask me why I should spend this much time with her, I have to reply that there were many reasons. First I could not just let her down. She would never have emerged from this had she not direction of a spiritual kind. Once I started it was impossible to let it go as I think she just would have committed suicide. And again I felt that I was directed by God to do so, and moreover I loved her as time went on.

Her history is like this. Her mother was Catholic and refused to take birth control pills. She had six children of which Nalini was one of the two oldest. She worked herself to death by the time Nalini was twelve and refused to take medicines thinking God was taking care of it. At the funeral Nalini's father came to her and told her that she must go to step parents. She refused to go. A few years later she was forced out of the house and went to live with an Aunt and Uncle who were only disciplinarians and had no real love for her. Again they were very Catholic. She had managed her whole life not to get involved with men and by the time she had gotten involved in Shyam space she had had only one experience of relationship which was short term and had failed in the end. She tried to be very loyal to her Catholic principles, amplified by the prevailing wisdom in Shyam space in that local and time which said the same thing she found herself bottling up her desires as she meditated. Finally she went out with Hans Raj and he being basically Brahmacharya was not enough. The she started up with Keval. About a year later she had split with him and had been working in Ottawa, making enough money to get back to India. Keval had then come up to talk her into going back and she did. From there it was all down hill. Keval had gotten very deeply into his egoized intellect and in the end she felt she must surrender her soul to the man. She had the following experience which I felt to be very important:

She had been lying down on her bed and Keval was absent. At a certain point she had said to herself, "I give up my will". This was not to God but presumably to Keval. She found herself in a space where she could see the energies of the body in colored lights, and she felt herself to be in some high state. The physical body seemed to be made of clay or of some dead material. She was like this for some twelve hours. Finally Keval showed up. She sensed him in the area and was afraid (I forget what the cause of the fear was exactly - but I feel it was because he might break into this space and do her some damage). Her feet were overhanging the end of the bed and she was afraid that they were going to fall off. Keval got her up and put her in the bath and made her move her legs and arms. She said afterwards that "I swear I will always enjoy the life of the senses after this." When I heard this I was shocked. I realized she said it but did not seem to understand that this was exactly in contradiction to our efforts, which is of course the life of Self realization transcending the senses. (that is since she is still wanting to go back to Kullu valley and be with a guru and even then sitting and hating the idea of pursuing any more Sadhana she was oblivious to fragmentation (dissonance) of her ideals - that was the shock. Even though Keval had treated her badly she insisted that Keval was an Avatar, a Guru and so on and continues to believe in him and her perfect love with him despite herself. Many times in the spring she had told me that their life had been the life of perfect Sadhana. Yet I found that actually they ate junk food saw no one, he watched television, did nothing but read and get her into bed as often as possible and in every way possible. He insisted that she go out to the local drugstore or newsstand and read pornographic literature so that she would get ideas for this. He had beaten her on a number of occasions and in the end took all her property and went to California. He never let her see anyone and never went to Satsang. Yet even after leaving him and one year later she was still claiming that he was Self realized and very close to Shyam.

About a month ago I was over visiting her and she had left a letter on the floor which was addressed to Mahaanand. The letter said briefly this, the Mahananda "Why should I worry about a Guru in the East when I have a perfect Self Realized being here in the West. I should have surrendered to you more," etc etc. Appreciating his qualities just the way he has been asking everyone to do. I was very shocked and very angry. That she should end up writing this just showed me what kind of man that he really is. I know that he has changed his tune recently but all the same he has really rubbed everybody the wrong way, creates a big division in Shyam space and insulted many people including myself. He creates a cult for himself as we have not even done with Swami. He did not stop for a minute to ask himself what was good for Nalini, but only found her at her weakest and most vulnerable moment and inserted these ideas in her head. I was appalled. I have even heard it that he pretends to make himself bigger than you as Archna had told me that he had said in Ottawa that whereas Shyam only works 22 hours per day he works 24! I meant to go over and see him but I heard that he had gotten an asthma attack and gone into the hospital. I think rather it was the Kundalini that had finally blown up because it couldn't bear the weight of such egotism.

One night in Winter 87. Just after I had read the letter Lucy sent. I felt that something had penetrated my heart and held it and me also. I was thinking about some point in the letter and she perhaps had "scored a point and my heart had opened a little. Then I found that someone was holding onto it and there was a pressure inside it. I felt pinned and immediate began to move the energy upwards to escape it. It was thought counter thought and then in hold finally I found an answer and it let go. The image grew dark and finally a human form was laughing in mocking, showed you eh? Again I watched. It was a woman. "Happy about that," I asked. She said that she did it for the truth. The power of truth. The truth I wonder? Got you now. The truth and the good I retorted - what good was that I retorted in my mind.

How was that happening. I don't really know it felt very unreal and very real at the same time. Was it even possible that it was Lucy's anger could grab up my thoughts from a distance?? Was it Nalini?? As she going to go nuts and heavy right out about religions: she surely despised me and had gone a long way to make sure that I neither talked about her in the neighborhood nor was received with any great love. Whatever the case I really don't like to hurt woman. I wanted to be free realizing that I had made a mistake and that had been the in spring almost a year ago. Yet somehow her dreams had been important to me and I knew there was a sort of synchronistic or providential nature to the whole interaction with Lucy. She was really nice in many ways but in others ways could be very angry. So could I of course. So in the balance where do you set the rightness of the thing.

Talk with Pam shore a friend of Lucy's. Lucy not what she seemed to be. I said to Pam Lucy had said that she is really conservative and that she didn't go out dancing. Dances by herself and doesn't get involved in jive. Pam said are you kidding 'she knew how to boogie'. She just shook her head. I knew that Lucy had just wronged me there. 'Stephen had been wooing her and had gotten screwed up but she goaded him into making it up with her. She lies in fact, about many important things. QUIA TIMET. Have cause to fear in a legal sense and think pro bono publico. For the public good what should I do. Keep notes write and let Lucy know that Shyam is going to write. Let the power of the pen be my only sword if I have to use one.

Bucket man 3: arrive at Hampton YMCA, have chest cold see bucket man coming at same time. Think maybe this time I would appreciate some of his water.he is in sauna but does not attempt to put any on. I can see he is thinking about it. I go for a swim and come back. He has just been throwing water on the rocks every body is entertained. He sees me coming and stops saying 'God is here'. I just sit down after a while when everyone else is gone I say to him just as I want the water you don't put any on. He then tells me story about how he worked for big grocer during the war. In the warehouse they had big stacks of butter which was on ration. He said the big guys kept it for their friends and sold it at high price. Some war effort he says. Arrives with ax after making threats. YMCA director Debbie does nothing.

Terre Etoile which had been the local new age center, now closed. It was heavy symbolism for me to see this happen. She is adversary in that she represents some sort of monotheistic authoritarian mind. The same minds which killed all the prophets. The type of mind that allowed the inquisition to go on. And to kill the free thinking Gnostic types. The mystics. Her mind and these types of minds are still trying to do the same thing in this era.

She would divide between the spiritual and good world ( over her head) and the material world or negative or in the body. The real spirit is not over or under. Heaven and Hell are over the head and on the earth. God is not an entity living up in the sky, nor is the world of psychic things automatically heavenly.

MC had said that Mrs. Chapel had first had received many appliances when she was married and her husband had demanded that she not use them because " his mother hadn't had these things and therefore she could not use them either." He had beaten her also as well as Ernie her brother. He was total male chauvinist and piggy. Mary said that he was an evil man if she had ever seen one. Her grandfather on mother's side had been doctor in Chagnawaga was married to a woman who had been working with him as nurse. The doctor had fallen in love with another woman and the first wife had committed suicide. Vera then had decided to marry and had gone into it, when a short time later she was very disappointed and wanted to leave him. The step mother had then insisted she stay in the marriage. Mad nuclear Dad and betraying maternal granddad. Ambitious and covetous paternal grandparents.

MC had lent the family money She felt betrayed. Friends said that Lucy had the coldest look that she had ever seen. Now Lucy plays the master game - she wants absolute freedom and maximum independence? She wants to find the cosmic man absolutely trustworthy to give her all the care and nurturing and trust that was lost way back there in family history. No wonder she does not believe in reincarnation. It is much easier to blame it on everybody else that to accept that one is the very cause of one's own misery. So she fights with the "unreal" which is actually her own unreal visioning of the world. In this way she can accumulate points while blinding and deafening herself to the truth. Her Dad was educated at Oxford - his knowledge is scientific and utilitarian in orientation and is otherwise value free. Engineers concentrate on practical applications - this is power manipulation and control and in the corporation becomes secretive .i.e. Information means power and therefore one keeps the knowledge to oneself and is used politically and at the appropriate moments. Her Mom - father was doctor who have become very materialist in the modern era although formerly the orientation was more spiritual. She was a teacher and a humanist. She becomes pietistic Secular Christian. I.e. Anti transcendental. Chagnawaga natural wisdom overcome by the war God El-shadai (Seven Arrows Thor - Heyermost Storm).

She had told MC that 'God protected her' when Mary had observed that she was putting herself in bad situations frequently. The observation that God was protecting her is hypocritical nonsense. She used powers and or intuitions which were entirely under her control and cognizance to avoid the calamitous result of her own actions. She lived entirely inside herself through these higher powers and never really "met" anyone. They seemed like lifeless bodies compared to her animated inner zone, her pink crystal which had been produced through her big opening after Bill. Because people were skeptical about this inner world, she was able to do just about anything she wanted, bouncing back to the protection of her home, alternate companions or whatever. She must have felt that she was crusading in the name of the Bahai faith as well. She lived principally in her subconscious and was a total dreamer until she met me.

She saw her 'beloved' the prophet in terms of Bahai faith - the prince who devotes himself to God and ends up martyred to the Muslims the people of the book. She thought she would meet the prophet and this was her beloved. She wanted a relationship that was divine. She would marry the Divine One and serve with him equally in God. But as she interpreted it to live in God was a condition she was fulfilling already. To serve God was to live in certain principle with were demonstrated as living in a given lifestyle. The good clean Canadian way with a little prayer meant to serve God. Can make herself very attractive, then suddenly poisonous when not to her liking. You have to be able to leave her to get along. She is like iron, then frozen slush, then treacle, then cotton candy. To me serving God meant devotion to the highest self. I serve by constant meditation and by study of the scriptures, be practice of Hatha Yog and other exercise to keep the body fit, through I Ching 5 - 54; spontaneous affection is the all important principal of unity. Needs considerable emotional distance.

Some woman or men think they can get whatever they want. They know how to turn it on and to manipulate. When they meet someone they can't avoid in truth, of if someone starts to get interested they avoid. Since there are always a large supply of fresh people at large in our modern world, it can be done repeatedly. They prostitute themselves in a way and if someone does not respond to them yet they are attracted they are very angry. Their wires get crossed.

Michelle gives background on Tindale Martin. He was a Tibetan Buddhist that had taught several of the guys in the neighborhood. Including Stephan Cross and Allan K. He had gotten several woman pregnant and she had threatened to report to newspaper. Stephen had left Shyam for Tindale Martin.

Knowledge of the Divine and purification of the mind and finally by teaching and spreading that knowledge wherever I was and whomever I was with. Through communion with the community of the devoted (of no matter what faith) and to the words of the Guru, reverence for the Whole and love for God and Man. It is a personal path or way leading to God realization and Beatitude. Self Realization is always the greatest service to God. I do not separate between my spiritual life and my personal life, heaven and earth, of God and Man, devotion means twenty four hours per day.

I Ching reading - "the unexpected changes into standstill, heaven and earth do no unite, the image of standstill, thus the superior man falls on his inner worth, in order to escape the difficulties, he does not permit himself to be honored with revenue." "when, owing to the influence of the inferior man, mutual mistrust prevails in public life, faithful activity is rendered impossible, because the fundamentals are wrong. Therefore the superior man knows what he must do under such circumstances; he does not allow himself to be tempted by dazzling offers to take part in public activities. This would only expose him to danger, since he cannot assent to the meanness of the others. He therefore hides his worth and withdraws into seclusion"
. From the Hexagram Standstill.

He went into the house: once more, such a crowd of people collected that they were unable to eat. On hearing this, his family set out to take charge of him, for people were saying he was out of his mind. But some scribes who had come from Jerusalem said, " He is possessed by Beelzebub," and "He casts out demons by the prince of demons." So he called them to himself and spoke to them in parables: "How can Satan drive out Satan? If a kingdom is divided against itself, then that kingdom cannot stand. And if a house is divided against itself, then that house cannot stand. If therefore Satan is in rebellion against himself, he is divided and cannot stand - that is the end of his power. But no one can break into a strong man's house and take away his belongings until he first ties up the strong man; only then he can plunder his house. Truly I tell you all these things can be forgiven to men - their sins and their blasphemies they use; however anyone who blasphemies against the holy Spirit can never be forgiven but is guilty of eternal sin." He said this because they were saying, "He has an unclean spirit." Mark 3:20-30