The Transition

"It is a most miserable thing to feel ashamed of home. There may be black ingratitude in the thing, and the punishment may be retributive and well deserved; but, that it is a miserable thing, I can testify.
Home had never been a very pleasant place to me, because of my sister's temper. But, Joe had sanctified it, and I had believed in it. I had believed in the best parlour as a most elegant saloon; I had believed in the front door, as a mysterious portal of the Temple of State whose solemn opening was attended with a sacrifice of roast fowls; I had believed in the kitchen as a chaste though not magnificent apartment; I had believed in the forge as the glowing road to manhood and independence.
Within a single year, all this was changed. Now, it was all coarse and common, and I would not have had Miss Havisham and Estella see it on any account."

--Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

". . . .
. . . yourself is not myself - get clear of me.
so don't sign Your own self Nachiketa" to me
**BE HAPPY**
Lucy (smiley face drawn here)

When I received this letter I felt the power of Lucy behind it. It hurt to read it and felt that her third eye power was a definite force in the reading of it. Even as I read I was being powered into the acceptance of it. The net effect of this letter it became obvious was to transfer whatever her traumatic experience of God had been over to me. All this bowing was to become my own while in fact as the letter implies she went on to the glory of the perfect relationship in God.

I immediately thought of Paul Tillich and his analysis of existential anxiety in the modern era. I summarize this here. There are three kind of threats to one's self that are of importance. These threats address the 'self-affirmations' which are ontic (to being itself as living being) , spiritual (or one's religious/spiritual archetypes), and moral (one's feelings and belief about one's propriety or justification within the society). Each self affirmation has both a relative and absolute threat associated with it.

For the Ontic self-affirmation the relative threat is fate, and the absolute threat is death; for the Spiritual self-affirmation the relative threat is emptiness and the absolute threat is meaninglessness; for the Moral self-affirmation the relative threat is guilt and the absolute threat is condemnation. Ella's letter threatened me in all these both relative and absolute. Even physical death was threatened because as was said earlier it is possible to die physically under a psychic attack. There was no guarantee for me that she would not just freak out and in the explosion of energy I would have a heart attack or just pass out in the middle of the street and be run over. I had many times later felt such intense vibrations that I did nearly pass out several times. But more importantly and more directly the import of the letter is to accept her assessment of it and this would only lead me to first meaningless, guilt emptiness and existential nothingness by way of fate (failure, powerlessness) unless of course I choose to accept the "truth" which she is positing here.

Rough translation of the letter
1. Virgin Mary etc. - her paradigm she is the virgin with the child
2. I may not talk about God because even the greatest of saints do not try to. So don't understand.
Her experience of offering herself to God (waiting for a man who never spoke to her etc) crushed by previous boyfriend or whatever, was very painful and she draws only blanks.
3. Self-realization is static perfection. Such masters as Shyam cannot be given authority or respect and neither of course can I. She needs authority. She sees Shyam in terms of Bahai absolutism and cannot recognize the freedom of Yog. Hence 'don't try to understand its' only falling bricks. So what if your house of cards falls down. I have a protected domain. My truth passes without leaving a trace.
4. Sincerity is the way. Beware of created things etc. You are unreal and my relationship is with God/Beloved/Ron. You have no God. Goodbye.

Her letter was sufficiently long and complex that I wrote a commentary on it—for myself. "The example to be followed by Lucy and I, is to be in utter humility, despondency and complete surrender to the attributeless one whose attributes are sacred reality, glory, all-knowing oneness. Guiding grace, merciful but inaccessible the spiritual heart is very deep." I had passed a photocopy of her letter and my commentary to Shyam, partly because he had already written to Lucy and partly for myself.

A form letter came from Swami Shyam's ashram in India,

January 21, 1987
 

"I arrived in Kullu a few days back along with seventy persons who traveled with me in a big caravan throughout India for eighteen days, and when finally I reached Kullu, I found your letter awaiting me full of Love and appreciation for the unfoldment of the Highest Awareness that you are experiencing. And so many letters were also waiting for me also, each one unique and beautiful. I read your letter and the letters of everyone over the past few days and it fills my heart to know that you are blossoming and flourishing in the work of unfolding your own Self Knowledge, Aatm Gyaan, or Self Realization, which alone can bring peace, inspiration and the purity of thought that a human being can attain. Meditation is the only way.

"And now, thousands of people in many parts of India have also been imbued with the Knowledge of their own Self and the message of Amaram Hum Madhuram Hum that is blest and cherished by every soul. Why? Because no one wants to die. So when the Knowledge of his own Immortality is revealed, then the man is fulfilled and liberated from fear and the idea of bondage of saving his body forever, for not body but he alone does live forever, eternally, as the undying Self. And with this Knowledge he becomes blissful, Aanandmay, madhur. This is his own True Nature.

"One ray of Knowledge I want to add today in the field of meditation is to say that the purpose of the practice of meditation is to unfold the power of understanding. It is not for peace alone that we are meditating. It is not for having a thoughtless state of mind that we do the meditation. It is not to gain some experience. These may be side benefits. But the real purpose is to unfold the power of understanding as to what is the Self and what is the nature of the mind. Self is forever free and pure, and when the power of Knowledge is unfolded does liberation become possible. And daily the practice must be done in order for this unfoldment to take place. And with the practice of meditation, the result can be guaranteed.

"My love and blessings are forever with you, and in this letter I am sending, and daily I am sending. For you are just me, my own Self, and very Self to me. Where I am beyond the time there is no difficulty, and that Me-You is infinite Pure space on Consciousness, Knowingness, Gyaan—the very Real You.

My Love to you and all around you,
Your Own Self,
Shyam"
 

Saturday night: We were several people in my car and as we passed through Royal Ville police decided we were somehow suspect. The car was the old Cutlass that my parents had given to me. Not only did they pull us over but another car came and parked right in front of us to make sure there was no escape. They wanted ID's from everyone. The officer took Suchaytan's ID and looked at it. His name is Kushner. The officer addressed him " Mr. Krishna please step out of the car." The asked a lot of questions and then let us go without an explanation. The car was checked for its mechanical soundness and they did a check on the computer. Found nothing. Krishna is busted in Royal Ville I thought.

Sunday-ALVH meet Lucy at the door. She walks by and gives me a poisonous look. I had been sitting in Van Houte's and the family had come in and it looked as if there would be a meet. It had happened that before this that I would start to feel bad and I just knew that a meeting with Lucy was coming up. This time I decided to leave but on the way out of the door she came in suddenly. As she passed she gave me one of her famous cold stares. The kind that Mary's friend had commented as being "the coldest hardest look she had ever seen"

Tues-ALVH sitting, her sister comes in and then mother. I hear them planning something to go to TO. How ironic I think they must be planning a wedding. I am sitting editing the book and wondering what to do about it. Meditate on Mrs. Chapel —she just wants Lucy to get married and out of the way. She did to Lucy what her own step mother did to her,.Afterwards Signy comes in and sits down

Sneersahn & Lori Tuttle: Rebe Sneersahn is a very famous Hassidic master that lives in Brooklyn. He is the Lubavitcher Rabbi Menachem Mendal Sneersahn, born in Nikolaev in 1902, the seventh generation of leaders of the Chabad. He is said to be brilliant. His student Lori Tuttle went to the same YMCA that I went to. I found him in the sauna one day and we talked. He had started out as a Jew and then gone over to Buddhism. Then he went to see Sneersahn and became a Hassid. The basis of this group is a Cabalistic text called the Likkutei Amarim Tanya. I went out and bought a copy of it at Kotel the orthodox Jewish bookstore in Montreal.

Lori told me one day that the Jews have a Jewish soul and that this was a particular component of the psyche that belonged only to them. I took exception to that but was unable to get a satisfactory explanation. He said one day,

"God sometimes withdraws or the teacher sometimes withdraws, leaving the student to think on his own. The reasons can be many, perhaps to help the student see better or to learn independence."

It was a real coincidence as I had come into the sauna thinking that I didn't have enough contact with Shyam.
"How did you know to say that to me?"
He smiled and shrugging said,
"Well maybe its just providence."

The Tanya talks of Ein Sof (Aur) or absolute unmanifest existence.and in such a way as appears it be very much in substance and its ultimate direction as Yoga or even Vedanta. However the Tanya is based or structured on Kabbalah, which derives human and societal expression from the Will (Kether) of God unto Kingdom (or realm) which is Malkuth. It is all that Patanjali isn't. It is inclusive of justice and political order which Patanjali does not even begin to approach.

Though he swims with me, he should not be in mixed swimming but has waved the rules. Lori swims for a while and then can't bear his transgression any more and leaves, he goes where he sees there is spiritual work to do. He loved to talk to people and was something of a liberal Hasid.

One day he and his friend were sitting in the sauna and his friend was rocking aback and forth on the seat. He said that they thought that the Rebbe could be the Mashiah the Messiah. He was a bit too freaked out about it and I thought to myself that he should slow down a bit. Lori took it well. He said, "Maybe he is. It isn't like that. He explained certain esoteric signs to me." It could well be I thought to myself. but it pointed to a different and more parochial concept of Messiah than had developed in Christianity.

Aphorism and affirmation Pam Shore: she argued that just the positive thought helps and this was her personal program with respect to anti-nuclear war efforts.

Gopi Krishna used the force of affirmation in his counseling practice.  I used to see him at the Hampton YMCA and he had been with Shyam for a short while. He had left saying that he really didn't like the guru's trip.

It happens I was having coffee near Girourd when he came into the restaurant and seeing me had come over and sat down. We had been talking about yoga as usual. I said casually, "Some people think Shyam is the Messiah." He was really angry and rebuffed me for a long time until I appealed to him to keep the peace as it really wasn't that important to me.

Afterwards he and I were talking in Girouard park. He said, "You really didn't believe in him either." He is a psychology major and was into transpersonal therapies which I really was keen on myself. So he showed me a technique he uses involving kenisthetics. He had me put my arm straight out and he would ask a question. Then he would lean on my arm. And it would bend a bit, but not much if I answered truthfully. Then he asked me if I really believe in Shyam. My arm went weak and he could pull it down very easily. I was very surprised and somehow not surprised. Then alarm bells started going off in my head and I got angry. It seems he didn't believe in any guru and for that matter thought the Buddha wasn't enlightened either. Still that had bothered me quite a lot for months until I got involved with something else. Belief does not play such a big role in Self-Realization. What is important to me is the fact that there is such a thing and therefore must be an example of it somewhere.

I go into bookstore and stranger asks me if I am here to save the world. Talking on the street with Girgia and someone from half-way house goes by and pats me on the shoulder and says 'he's so good"

SPRING 87: my brother Greg gets into making jet trainer aircraft and selling on the world's military hardware circuit. I am repelled and call parents and ask them what they think My dad says better to start here and then make commercial aircraft (he used to work with Canadair after second world war. we talk about morality and compromise.) greg's salesman and vice-pres is Jay lumiere, and airforce pilot.

March/87 Venga Aircraft - semi aggressive aircraft. Here's the problem right in my own back yard my own brother wants to make money selling and manufacturing jets and he wants me to participate. I must say that for all that my brother seemed to be peripherally involved in the arms industry as a vendor of a composite jet used for training pilots, he had had other more beneficial industries. Early in his career I had worked with him on the manufacture of prefabricated homes. No harm in that. Later he had been involved with reclaiming, or recycling lead, using recycled rubber (notably tires) to manufacture new floor tiles, recycling plastics into new plastics, paints, inks an so on. Later he was to contribute very generously to the advancement of ecology.

Mar 15/87 from Venga days, Mom says; "We didn't know that about it. It really scares me."

Dad used as an argument economic development often had been spun off military development. In talking this way his premise is that commercial development is sacrosanct. What can you do about it? that's what I am asking you. You can't so just try to get along.

The essence of spiritual dialectical struggle is to be absolutely honest. Honest means to meet one's own principles at least—and God hopes that they should be the right principles. This means to be scrupulous and without hypocrisy. Hypocrisy is the difference between the statement of intent and the actual effect and direction of the act. For this sincerity and self-knowledge are necessary as well as an adequate knowledge of the meaning of life. The meaning of life herein is Self-Realization or Oneness of God and Man realized in our own lives. To get this kind of behavior in oneself is to work on the elements of it with great intensity until finally one breaks through into an entirely unique state called God consciousness. This is the real sincerity or freedom from hypocrisy (i.e. the mind is now like of mirror to the pure consciousness and no duplicity can enter into it). This sincerity transcends one's body, mind, senses, ego and intellect, and means perfect reflection in all purity of the essence of the Good itself which is the Godhead or as Shyam calls it, Plus.

It would seem that they say rainbow - at the appearance of celestial beings - their auras. I looked up rainbow in Interpreter's Bible Dictionary.

Rev 10:1 - "Then I saw another powerful angel coming down from heaven, wrapped in a cloud, with a rainbow over his head; his face was like the sun.
Eccles. 43:11 -

"See the rainbow and praise its maker
so superbly beautiful in its splendor
Across the sky it forms a glorious ark
drawn by the hands of the most high."

Gen 9:13 - "the waters shall never again destroy all flesh"

Hab 3:9-11 -

"you uncover your bow
you ply its string with arrows
You trench the soil with torrents
the mountains shiver when they see you
great floods seep on their way
the abyss roars aloud
high it lifts its hands."

I have vision of being in the car with Shyam. I feel good. I'm on the way with Shyam. In his vehicle, on his path. What can I do about this except sacrifice a little on my part. What an uproar I would have on my hands with a mortgage wife and kids. You may not sacrifice us would the family say? I resolve not to participate in Venga operations and not to take money from Venga payroll.

When the strictures of righteousness bind me too closely, I feel I lose my freedom, and for the sake of that freedom I throw off the righteousness. for men to pursue righteousness they must do it in freedom and not under threats, otherwise they begin to hate the good and love evil mistaking it for freedom.

What is the family but an exchange of some sort. First the nourishment and support as described aptly in the I Ching, correctness, loyalty, chaste conduct, etc. This is true, but the exigencies of modern times calls upon for certain responses. We see before us nation against nation, state against state, many at war many in conflict. It is the values that we hold that bring us to these conflicts. The communists against the free world, the Catholic and the Protestant, and finally the national interests in terms of race and tribe all are representation of conflicts in values. We see that the potencies of our weapons has increased and the complexity of the struggle magnified such that one has to be a specialist even to understand how the negotiations for peace to be handled. We seem to be at the brink of total disaster and yet we are bound to do nothing. We can do nothing because we will not make the sacrifice of ourselves and instead compromise our futures by not taking any part in the processes of resolution. it always seems to be someone else's business, the government, the state, the schools and so on, who we leave our mandate for the future and then we succumb to apathy in front of our television sets.

We, while ostensibly Christian, often are giving lip service to the gospel and are only dimly aware of the real content of the Bible. They ask me to compromise on the peace issue saying you have to make a living, but it does not occur to them that they are making hypocrites of themselves. Listen to the words: "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God" "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God." "You cannot serve God and mammon" "but woe to you that art rich for you have received your consolation" "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

We the wealthy North Americans, who have everything in our hands already, whose satisfactions are endless, were satisfied, while the rest of the world perishes in the effluent of our sinks and toilets, the second hand smoke of our industrial civilization, and whose glorious scientific mentality has brought us to the brink of nuclear nightmare.

My parents who were and still are good and caring people would appear, like most North America's parents who have better than average incomes, in the settling smoke of the post nuclear era to be evil geniuses with unending appetites who hastened to grab up and consume the heritage of even their own children (like Chronos). We are not by ourselves the problem with the nukes, for the Germans had threatened to build one, the Americans built it first, and used it first, and then the Russians built them saying they were defending themselves. We built more for the same reason. It seems so reasonable. But to a young person on hearing about it, it is the embodiment of evil. It is utterly impersonal and arbitrary. A few strange men in the top echelons of both the Russians and the Americans could start the events that destroy almost the whole planet. And these same people believe that they are righteous, the one as "One nation under God" and the other as best principles of fairness to the people of the world. At least, and this is again absurd, when we had only knives, swords, arrows, guns and canon you might even see the face of the people that are killed, to experience being among the people who fight and those who are fought for or against, in their suffering and grief, in their loss or apparent gain. Wars fought with high tech weapons appear to be some sort of paranormal or supernatural lunatic evil, the ultimate disgrace of mankind, and the knowledge that such a thing as nuclear war could happen makes one confront, to go toe-to-toe, face-to-face with the whole satanic pyramid of hateful behaviors and attitudes, failing which one's bad conscience drives one into the shadows, trying to escape psychologically and existentially from the torments of being really aware.

If you read the statistics about the distribution of wealth on the planet you find that we in the West have more than our share. There must be room for change, for new dimensions, for new answers, and to stubbornly refuse the new, because it is new, is a conservatism that is automatically regressive because the nature of the social fabric is rushing toward a new point of equilibrium. Often they do not support us in the right way— morally, ethically, emotionally. They do not support us, who would make changes, but rather they struggle with us. Everything new has to struggle, like the seed pushing up through the earth to meet the sun.
 

And a multitude was sitting around him, and they said to Him, "Behold, Your mother and your brother are outside looking for you."
And answering them He said, "Who are my mother and my brothers?"
And looking about on those who were sitting around Him, He said, "Behold, My mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother." (Mark 3:31-35)

I can not really criticize others here. My father got involved later in ecology. He had endeavored to manufacturer an effluent monitoring device of the type used to check smokestacks for SO2 emissions. They are both good parents.

We have to ask ourselves where our fault lies. A little bit here and a little bit there and it adds up to a nightmare. No one seemed at the time to be so bad but yet a monster grows up and swallows a civilization. How can we endure the possibility of Nuclear Winter. How can we stand idle while we see the result of pollution, overpopulation and so on. It is the radical children of reactionary parents suffer the greatest injury, separation from the love they need to make the changes necessary. Every generation must struggle with the previous one. Civilization changes and develops and the differences show up in increments of change between father and son, mother and daughter. It is the work of the parents to accommodate the multiplicity in the unity, to foster change and creativity, and the work of the children to produce that change without destroying the past.

1 John 4:7-8

"My people

let us love one another

since love comes from God

and everyone who loves is begotten by god and knows God

Anyone who fails to love can never have known God,

and because God is love."

 

1 John 4:18-21

"In love there can be no fear

but fear is driven out by perfect love

because to fear is to expect punishment

and anyone who is afraid is still imperfect in love.

we are to love, then

because he loved us first

anyone who says, "I love God"

and hates his brother

is a liar

since a man who does not love the brother

who he can see

cannot love God

whom he has never seen

so this is the commandment

that he has given to us

that anyone who loves God

must also love his brother"

(and sister).

I was spending much time at the Ashram. Deepriya was leading the Satsang and was very good at it. She had a lovely singing voice and was wise enough to speak. She also was very congenial and a good teacher. She made me feel very welcome and it felt good to be there. Quite a relief from what I was experiencing from the rest of the world. There were few Shyams (my Guru brothers and sisters) in town as most had gone to India. But the remaining small group was very supportive.

I saw Manoj at the ashram at Montclair. Nina Davis and Shankar were also around. Nina who was so friendly and loving in 1982 was now snubbing me. Monoj said that he had been in prison. He was certainly heavy of build and he looked like in the prison had been eating meat that showed up in his own flesh. This was at the Montclair ashram. He said that he had carried a weapon on his visit to Bolivia or Peru. There was violence in his mind and we were not getting along. I had a flash in my mind of a throat being cut.

Sauna: three men the overweight millionaire, Alfie, myself.
Millionaire: "Where's your friend"
Myself: "friend?"
M."The one with the long and gaudy bathing suit. The yellow things? You know."
Myself; "O yes I know who you mean. He wears those pants which are so much in fashion in California, there are surf suits eh?"
Mil. "Right him"
Myself, "I don't know him very well. I only see him here"
Mil. "I expected to see him drive away on his Harley Davidson"
Myself, "More likely he drives a Renault"
Mil. "What do you drive?"
Talk about the terrible snow. I tell him about disposing of my Cutlas.

He tells story about a drinking friend who had decided to buy a car. It was a Buick skylark which had a very large engine of some 440 cu. in. He had gone on the test drive with the friend and they had gone over a railway crossing at top speed. The car left the pavement and had soared through the air, then bounced five or six times before he got control of it again. Then soon after he had purchased it he had been again drinking and driving and had taken it through a town tried to make it through a traffic circle and had ended up driving right up the stairs of a church and crashing into the doors. Another tale of BMW - British not Bavarian. Guy on motorcycle drives up the back of a car because he can't find the brake. Girl beside us, in meditative posture with eyes closed unmoving, had smiled very broadly and she left

"See you."

March 16/87: Bucket man returns. He is sitting in the middle of the upper row looking like he owns the place. I pass right through, have shower and am just leaving the shower when I look back through sauna window and he is standing looking out at me with a horrible leer on his face. He reminds me of a Hans Holbein drawing of a demon. I go down to the pool and Isabel asks what is the matter. She brings the director and I stand at the doorway discussing with her. I mention that she has already had complaints and should look in her file am beginning to get angry and she wants me to come to the office so she won't be embarrassed by my loud talk about the sauna and how it is run. I am standing there in my wet bathing suit and she wants me to go into the office. Why the Hell don't they do something. I refuse the office and tell her I will be in touch later. As I'm just finished with her Laurie Tuttle comes in and starts talking about Sneersahn's last speech, "We are just at the point of balance and the scales could tip either way. The messiah is so close that one man and one mitzvah could do it (thought word and deed.) can bring him. it will tip the scale." I flash on the letter to Swami and my skin creeps.

He tells a story about the surrender of Moses in the exile of the Jews from Egypt. Seven Mitzvahs: these are seven suggested laws for the 'nations' (the non-Jewish nations). No idol worship. No blasphemy. No incestuous love. Not to kill. Not to steal. Not to torture animals. To create courts of law. My thought: A heretic—someone who is dangerously deluded yet has charisma or spiritual powers; someone who expresses God with ill will.

At night I have dreams about Gorbachev and Reagan. Gorbachev is inspired takes knowledge easily. Reagan's aura is dull inside. He is old and cannot change. I advise both of them to work on peace and freedom. Reagan on peace means real spirituality,. a meeting of Eastern and Western minds, concerning the spiritual malaise of the Middle East. In the end Gorbachev tours USSR for a mandate for peaceful coalition, and some change in the political structure allows him to do this. Reagan steps down in favor of younger man or goes on sabbatical. He knows he must compete with Gorbachev's charisma. He seeks a solution at the roots and looks more to the North again for guidance. Democratic power is split between administrative and inspirational. They resolve to unite for the sake of peace in the Middle East and general economic global development (within the framework of ecology and common security). Then they go on to resolve the oriental problem. Japan, Korea, China, Mongolia and Tibet and the southeast Asians Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, and Thailand. They compete in peaceful ideological political humanism in the rest of the world. The international disaster weapons police commission is established. There is a moratorium on science and technology until the World ecological commission is established.

If the USSR takes down the wall there will be world peace for a millennium at least (for a long time). There will be struggle still in the smaller arenas in South America and Africa. parts of Southeast Asia. and internal to the India arena, but overall a Global security can follow. Man must to continue to work on his growth. The whole globe does not get aligned at once, but peace in the northern hemisphere can be established. That would include USSR, Noramerica, NATO and Seato Nations, Middle East and India. Peace in the Middle East must be obtained through religious concord of Muslims, Jews, and Christians.

Mar 20/87: Talking to Girgia about Pandit (a guru) coming. He had sat next to Swami Shyam, at Peace Conference the Second Annual Yoga Conference in New Delhi). I remember seeing a video of this conference and at that time Pandit was in the audience. His seemed to be very ill at ease. He feared something there. As I was talking to her, a someone went by and patted me on shoulder! "What a nice man," she said. Met Helli at counter. Saw Graham's Gang (Tiffany-Zaza-Goodheart) - around block Eric and Neil. Ran into everyone. Except MG Leslie, when I was so sure I would see.

The sequence of "bucket man affair": He threatens me. I complain and say that some action must be taken and get no result. I remind them that I am serious and that a threat is a legal matter which I am willing to take up with police. They say very well they will speak to him. I will be satisfied with apology. He apologizes and I accept even though I know that the is not really apologizing.

Second threat, complaint, explanation and no action: He threatens someone else but not with assault. He threatens Peter and says he will punch his teeth out. I cajole Peter into complaining and while doing this hear the story about the hatchet. He had threatened to cut somebody and the next day brought a hatchet into the locker room in a sports bag. The handle had been plainly visible. we jointly complain. I ask for his removal and am assured that the matter will be reviewed.Nno action is taken and no report given. There is a parallel here between the bucket man and my dealings with Lucy. It seemed to me that I had to take the matter up with someone who could judge such a case, but there is no one who could handle the affair as the judgment would not be binding. There is no court for sorcerers either.

Women generally in the past have not been administrators of the law and perhaps, as such do not have a deep sympathetic understanding with its processes and meaning—less than the average man. Is that chauvinism of some sort. up until recently we didn't even have a female on the police force and very few in the military. The director at the YMCA does not realize that my complaint is not just a matter concerning myself, or even the YMCA and its members, but is a matter concerning the law as well and so the whole society. She shows only a shallow knowledge of rights and obligations, duties and penalties in reference to the society in which she lives, and the importance of certain judgments. Where people's lives may be at stake one, should be very thorough in one's examination of the issues, and give the matter serious thought. She felt I was being provocative because she herself felt threatened, not by the surly lout Andy (the bucket man) but by the fact the her administrative capabilities were being called into question. I was talking about a potential murderer while she wanted me to sit down for a little chat while she explained to me that the man seemed so nice and being a member of her YMCA couldn't possibly be what I said he was. I gave her my testimony and then said that I had a witness to the fact that a weapon had been brought into the locker rooms and yet she would like to treat it as if he were poor old Andy who didn't know any better. She wouldn't see it, because never having experienced such people in her own pastel environment with cradle to grave security, and having only the unreal television world to show her such violence, that even if someone were to die in the sauna then he would no doubt be resurrected for the next show in the series, or get a better part in another film. While the question for me had passed over into the realm of the law, for her it remained a domestic matter to be settled amicably as gentlemen do. It had already gone beyond that. This is an extension of the idea that if only we can understand one another then every thing will be alright, whereas her power to understand Andy could be compared to a child understanding Napoleon. She hopes that Andy may be somehow convinced that it is not nice to bring a hatchet into the locker room, but it will only serve to cue him to the fact that he should butter up the Director a little more and the wait outside with his baseball bat. In any case she clearly proffered the company of someone who was ready to curry her favor like a sycophant, than to someone who ruffled her feathers.

Talked to Mary Lou McDougal an ex in-law. Her brother as it turns out is a director of another YMCA. She recommends that I address the issue to Bon Matte, a friend of my brother who is the director of the Montreal area. He says someone will call the director at Hampton, gives me the name, a manager of operations.

Go to Royal Ville YMCA. See Doug McDougall and give him the story and says he will speak to her if I want . He had agreed that she mismanaged and should be notified. but I say no let me handle it.He asks for letter. I say no, mostly because to write the letter would have taken quite a while and that it would also break the rhythm in my story. I call to Hampton Director and she says that she consulted with the lawyers and they have spoken to Bucket Man to ask him to refrain from threatening people in the Sauna. A victory.

My brother's salesman for the Venga Company was called Jay Lumiere. Jay was a member of the Black Watch Regiment, sent on a peace keeping tour to the boarder of Cambodia and Viet Nam. The US was deeply involved at this time and the CIA had not wanted to limit operations to within Vietnam. In consequence the Canadian troops were targets not only of the North Vietnamese and Cambodians but also the CIA.

He and a good friend had been out on a tour (patrol). His friend had selected a spot where they would split and go independently on patrol, in several hours meeting again at this specified point. Jay had gone ahead and there was not a sound to be heard in the jungle. It was not to long before he heard a single shot. He called out to his friend but got no response and then realizing he would be making himself a target he moved quickly back down his own path to meet him on or near the point. He found him with a bullet through his chest very close to the heart. His friend was still alive and had been writing on a field note book from his pocket which he kept in his outer breaches for instant availability . The was one unfinished sentence. . . .

"You will come to understand. . . ."

His friend had passed out but the pencil was still in his grip. They had been talking about reincarnation and Jay had said that he felt that it was plausible. Jay reflected that this is what he meant. Jay picked up his friend and carried him over his shoulder 10 miles back into camp. By the time he got there he was going completely crazy with blood all over him. The hours of duty and the strain of combat had overcome the spinal injections they received and he had snapped. When he got to the camp the hospital had been mortared and the only nurse had been killed. The nurse had been close with Jay and was his only source of human warmth. The medic was also killed. He dropped the body and fainted. He woke in an air transport which was returning to the West.

Later in home country the effects of the spinal tranquilizers was to continue giving him headaches and to be a problem thereafter. He had gone on honeymoon in England with his second wife (the first only lasted eight months as he had many problems after the mission). They were driving alone road on the western seaboard of England when he said to his wife

"I've been here before. I swear it. There is something here, I don't know what it is but I would like to stop"

He had never been to England before, nevertheless when he got out of the car and walked around for a bit he discovered that the location of a secret British airfield used during the second World War, this airfield was only on maps that were still not declassified. He discovered a second field later in this same way. Then he realized he must have been there during the war in another incarnation and that was how he knew they were there. He remembered his friend's words

"You will come to understand."

It is March 25, 1987: Jay's sister protested his sales of Chinese aircraft in Toronto. He had flown three Chinese Migs from the orient to Toronto and had sold them there. Some group had decided to picket the sales area, and Jay's sister had gone along with them. He told her not to. Now the sister is somehow involved with the Dalai Lama, and is hosting his journey to Canada. The Dalai lama was supposed to be piloted by Jay canceled the flight after hearing that Jay was reselling Chinese aircraft and had prevented his sister from protesting about it.

I went to visit a sprout farm with my friend John Leatherbarrow. sprout man asks, "Are you here to save the world?" He asked spontaneously and out of the blue. I said I didn't know if I was. Maybe I would just leave it and for for my own salvation.

Sauna: There was a man there who always wore a gold chain around his neck. He was a millionaire. He was complaining one day the his sons gave him no respect. He said he could put gold on the plate and he would get no appreciation for it. He went on to say that he had various woman. Seemed to be bragging about the number of woman in his life. The conversation got around to Nukes and ecology and the state of the world. He didn't care much about the issues. He did nothing to keep the world from falling apart. When I left I said to his friend he expects that his sons should love him when he is destroying the very world that they will grow up in. The friend nodded and said, "I know"

Tuttle: Seven Mitzvahs Seven Noahide Laws these are for the nations and Sneersahn has been promoting these in his speeches. The are many more for the orthodox Jew (over 600) and yet the nations can also be close to God just by adhering to these laws. It is an irony that even Tuttle could not explain. These mitzvahs derive from a covenant with Noah. from the Jerusalem Bible (reader edition) Genesis Chapter Nine (in Jewish that is Bere Shis Chapter Nine)

The new world order.
 

God blessed Noah and his sons saying;

"Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. Be the terror and the dread of all the wild beasts and all the birds of the heaven, of everything that crawls on the ground and all the fish of the sea; they are handed over to you. Every living and crawling thing shall provide food for you, no less than the foliage of plants. I give you everything, with this exception: you must not eat flesh with life, that is to say blood in it. I will demand an account of your lifeblood. I will demand an account from every beast and every man. I will demand and account from every man's life his fellow men.

"He who sheds man's blood,
shall have his blood shed by men,
for in the image of God
man was made.

"As for you, be fruitful, multiply, teem over the earth and be lord of it." God spoke to Noah and his sons, "See, I establish my Covenant with you, and with your descendants after you; also with every living creature to be found with you, birds cattle, and every wild beast with you, everything that came out of the ark, everything that lives on the earth. I establish my Covenant with you: no thing of flesh shall be swept away again by the waters of the flood. There shall be no flood to destroy life again."

God said, "Here is the sign of the Covenant I make between myself and you and every living creature with you for all generations: I set my bow in the clouds and it shall be a sign of the Covenant between me and the earth. When I gather the clouds over the earth and the bow appears in the clouds, I will recall the Covenant between myself and you and every living creature of every kind. And so the waters shall never again become of flood to destroy all things of flesh. when the bow is in the clouds I shall see it and call to mind the lasting Covenant between God and every living creature of every kind that is found on earth." God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the Covenant I have established between myself and every living thing that is found on earth."
 

The sons of Noah who went out from the ark were Shem, Ham and Japheth; Ham is the ancestor of the Canaanites. These three were Noah's sons, and from these the whole earth was peopled.
Noah a tiller of the soil, was the first to plant the vine. He drank some of the wine and while he was drunk he uncovered himself inside his tent. Ham, Canaan's ancestor, saw his father's nakedness, and told his two brothers outside. Shem and Japheth took a cloak and they both put it over their shoulders and walked backward, covered their father's nakedness. When Noah awoke from his stupor he learned what his youngest son had done to him. And he said:

"Accursed be Canaan.
He shall be his brothers'
meanest slave."

He added:

"Blessed be Yahweh, God of Shem,
let Canaan be his slave!
May God extend Japheth,
may he live in the tents of Shem,
and may Canaan be his slave!"

It is this scripture that the ecologist find so disturbing. It projects an image of man which is rather rapacious. It doesn't portray the idea of stewardship, of sharing, that is the preferred way today. Every living thing is mankind's to eat. Loving the creation it is not. The explanation of the rainbow and the covenant gives one the impression that this scripture is really 'just a myth'. In the childhood of our years we told ourselves this story to put ourselves to sleep at night. The idea of God's Covenants with the Jews is so flimsy, whimsical. No wonder they are so defensive about it. How can this document prove anything about their special connection with the Creator. I like the thought of attributing the appearance of a rainbow to a signal from God, but not for anyone in particular. For everyone. This is not a specifically Israelite Covenant I know, even according to the tradition. Still it raises questions about the nature of the Covenant of Yahweh with Israel.

The second part of the chapter however is the most devastating. No sooner has Noah our great ancestor landed on earth as it were, then he is planting grapes and getting drunk with the wine that he makes. He gets drunk and exposes himself to his son. He is so uptight about being naked (fetish, and taboo material here), that his sons have to back into the room to cover him. Now, when he wakes up he curses the youngest son, who merely looked at him. No mention is made of anything else. The son Ham had run out to his older brothers and enlisted their aid in patching up the exposure of the parent. Now Noah curses him anyway. What justice is there in that.

Conveniently he has cursed the progeny of Ham to be servants of the older sons. The Canaanites are going to be the slaves in the tents of the the descendants of Japheth, and Shem. I can just see the latter day Israeli, comfortably installed in Jersusalem on the lands which were once owned and operated by the Canaanites, the land of 'milk and honey' (Exodus) promised to Israel by the covenant God Yahweh Sabaoth (god of War), using this as the explanation at their supper tables. "Yes sons, that is what Noah said. So you see, it was ordained by the Lord that these wretches the Canaanites should be conquered by us and be our slaves. Yep. God promised us this land, and it is ours by Holy writ." Well no one in Canada should blame any Jews. We used the same kind of thinking to slaughter the Indians. That is written in our good Christian Bible, and if we don't agree with this we shouldn't let our children be told that it is God's word. According to Maimonides every Jew is obliged to address these matters to the nations this is called Ramban this laws will act to strip away the veils these insure that it is not self interest but God's law that rules man. One such action can ripple throughout the whole world.

story: there was a rich Jewish man who had hired a yacht to take a trip through the Caribbean. Every morning he would call from the deck down to the captain of the boat who was steering from another deck, "Which way is East?" the captain was a non-Jew. After a while the captain asks the wealthy Jew , "Why are you always asking which way is the East?" The man replied, "Because I pray, and when I pray I like to aim my prayers toward the Temple where they will be heard and be more effective." The Captain was impressed because the Jew was so rich and he also thought to pray to God. He asked further about prayer and had begun to pray also. On reaching the shore the captain had returned to his family and had begun his new habit of prayer much to their astonishment. Soon he had explained that he had learned this from his passenger and that the prayers had consoled him. His family now began to believe in the Creator. I love Jewish stories! I do.

The state is steered by the law, and likewise if the law is oriented toward the holy then the nation will move toward God.

[Code of Jewish Law (Shuldan 'Aruk),]

Code of Jewish Law (Shuldan 'Aruk), R. Japh Caro, Heshin Hamisphat 1-27, Denburg Jurisprudence Press, Glosses and Commentary R. Moses Isserls 1955

The Law of Judges p330

26. One must not resort to heathen courts.

1. It is forbidden to appear for trial before heathen judges and in their courts of Law,...

Gloss. the Israelite Court of Law has the authority to pronounce against him the less sever (Niddia) and (even) the More sever (Herem) ban until he suspends the (legal rights which he delegated to) the heathen (authorities) from upon his fellows (litigant). Likewise, is the ban pronounced against him who strengthens the hand(s) of the one who goes to law before a heathen (court) to appear with him in trial before a Jewish (court of Law),- he is fit to be laid out on the post (for flogging) v. intra #338. One who resorted to Heathen Courts and was pronounced guilty by their laws, and then he (the guilty person) summoned him (his fellow litigant) again before Israelite Judges,- some say that we do attend to his (case) while others say that we do attend to his (case) unless he was the cause of a loss to his fellow-litigant before the heathen courts. However, the former opinion seems to me to be fundamental.

Note

However if the enemies hand is very strong, and the litigant demands a Heathen court.

gloss.

2. The members of the Jewish Court of Law have the right to go before the Heathen courts and bear the testimony that this party is guilty to that party. this entire ruling is applicable only when the recalcitrant person refuses to heed the Jewish Court of Law, but otherwise the Jewish Court is forgiven to give (one) permission to appear for trial before a Heathen Court.

. . . . .

So the meaning of the Mitzvah or good deed viz a viz the nations is rather obscure. Certainly it does not appear that Rebbe Sneersahn is planning to take his litigation voluntarily to any court other than a Jewish Court.

Swami Rama who had been one of the Shankaracharyas of India had left that seat and come to America. He did some work proving that the mind can affect the body in extraordinary ways in laboratories of American Universities. He started the Himalayan Institute and had been promoting the philosohpy of Oneness to intellectuals. They did studies on Yoga and ayurvedic health systems. Unfortunately he was found to be having sex with disciples and had been exposed in the American press. Not only was he having sex but he was also kicking the woman around. It turns out he was never the Shankaracharya. He lied to everybody and yet he was analyzed at MIT, and did in fact have a power over his body—his heart rate and body temperature—that they had never seen before.

Chogyam Trunpa the Tibetan Buddhist Rimpoche who was known as a great writer was also found to be a great scandal, he used to drink and smoke. Everybody knew but now there was reports of violence. Same with Da Free John.

"Oh Son of Man! Werth thou to speed through the immensity of space and traverse the expanse of heaven, yet thou wouldst find no rest save in submission to Our command and humbleness before Our face." - this is written by Baha'ullah in the late nineteenth century.

The Bahai's are in a very bad position politically. As manifestation or Sun of Paradise of the New Dispensation, Baha'ullah represents theoretically a global figure. We mean to say here that his opinions, concepts, thoughts, and so on, are the voice of God, that he knows God and that he speaks for him—with His authority. He portrays himself as the suffering prophet and makes out that every prophet has suffered in the hands of the ignorant, which proof is adduced from the figures given is the Bible. But the fact of the matter is that it is because he chooses to suffer for his revelations, because they are of the same category or class as those inspired and subsequently authorized (by blood) revelations of the Jews the Christians and the Moslems before him. It is the nature of his claim to truth that makes him suffer. It is because he says it is he alone who knows and that he has the authority, we must surrender to him. It is because of the nature of the very language that he uses and his convictions of being the Divine and exclusive embodiment of these truths in his era that in order to establish his claims he must suffer and be martyred. He is talking in terms of global power, so he suffers the fate of other would be dictators. What is a theocracy but a dictatorship. In his case an oligarchy based on the house of Justice.

More from Lori Tuttle:, to take God's name in vain, to curse a parent is bad, to curse a parent in God's name is very bad, put to death, embarrassment to kill, lying is stealing. The Jews had fully embraced spiritual power and so were governed by stringent laws concerning the use of such powers. The allegiance of the people using the power was demanded and a high price paid for displaying a lack of loyalty to the Jewish philosophy.

I was on the phone to Laurie Tuttle. He was becoming more demanding in the friendship and it was obvious that unless I was about to convert to Hassidism it would not be very fruitful for us to spend much time together.

I told a story about the court recorder who cannot keep God foremost in his mind. He goes to see the King, who is also a Sage, and explains his problem to the King.
"When I am concentrating on the books I forget anything about God, only the numbers fill my head."
The king sends him back to his post and shortly afterward a guard is posted to watch over the scribe. After a few days the scribe again seeks audience with the King. "Perhaps I have offended him"
the king says to him, "Were you not aware of the presence of the guard while you were working? In the same way you can be aware of the thought of God."

Because Laurie was about to interrupt my story and I felt to rush to the end. I finished it by having the king say "Were you not aware of the guard during that time, next time I will send God." Laurie said "Oh yeah I know that one. well I see you." I went on a bit about it being good to talk to him and then hung up. Afterwards I was thinking what kind off theology is it to say, 'next time I will send God'. Then I realize it is more than a Freudian slip. It is just how the Jews have treated the matter of the Messiah. They wish that God would come on earth for them and they mean by this that they themselves will be brought to power and justified as special to God by the presence of the Messiah. The covenant of the Jews as a people would be fulfilled through Him. Yet the son of David is also taken to be the king of the whole globe. The appearance of the son of God is meant to mean fulfillment of all men and this is the focal point of all history. Thus the King David 'sends' God, which is impossible.

Powers and Presence: The Shekinah or presence of God was presumed to enter into the temple. The holy spirit had entered into the building and as such was the actual presence of the Yahweh. Only the ritually pure were allowed to enter into the inner precincts of the temple least God be offended or in another sense least they have the Holy power unmerited. If God was offended it was thought that he would withdraw from his people, temple or persons and retreat to his heavenly abode. Offenses to God incurring his wrath would result in punishment being brought on the people such as loses in war, bondage, plague and so on.

It was through the authority of God that the great prophets performed their miraculous acts. Whenever the elements were moved, as it was supposed, as the waters parted, or fire coming down from heaven, it was through invoking of the word and name of Yahweh. Whenever the prophets would utter their stern warning of the dire calamities to fall on one nation or another, or whenever they predicted the course of events for some historic figure they would do so in Yahweh's name. They would predicate their speech with phrases such as, "it is Yahweh speaking," or "this is Yahweh who says."

This is why the cursing of the parent if God's name was punishable by death, because no distinction between the magical act of sending death on the parent through the divinity's name and the actual physical act of killing a parent, was made in law. Secondly, for a long time the Jews were involved in wars, and cursing the parent was tantamount to military insubordination and treason. Thus in the codification of the law, the population which was favored (covenanted) in the way of Yahweh was prohibited from using the powers of mind and powers of God for purposes not truly spiritual—or, in other words, in vain. This, then, is what is meant by taking the Lord's name in vain and why it was deemed fit to list along with natural laws such as prohibition against theft, murder, incest and also cruelty to animals.

In Samuel we see the house of Yahweh which was the simple domestic residence of Eli become the great temple built by Solomon. Yahweh Sabaoth, the god of War, had become fully institutionalized. The law of God became the Law of the land. Prohibitions against aberrant forms of worship became more important as the population had grown and intermingled with the autochthonous Canaanites and Palestinians. The injunctions against idol worship were strengthened.

The Messiah from Everyman's Talmud , A Cohen. pg 347.

"according to one version he would be just a human being divinely appointed to carry out an allotted task. The Talmud nowhere indicates belief in a superhuman Deliverer as the Messiah."

"A descendent of King David another version has Messiah son of Joseph, this is the Joseph of Jacob's house. To hearten the people in their misery and encourage then to persevere in the face of severest hardships, the Rabbis preached the doctrine that there will be the "travail of the Messiah," i.e. his coming will be attended by pangs of suffering in the same manner that a child is born at the high cost of much pain to its mother. On the principle that the night is darkest before the dawn, they taught that the world would show signs of utter demoralization before his arrival and the conditions of life prove well nigh unbearable.

"This happens at one's own house the child could be Messiah if we didn't act in ignorance and were not so impure. youths will insult their elders the old will have to stand up before the young. daughter will revolt against mother daughter in law against mother-in-law the face of the generation will be like the face of the dog meeting places for the study of the Torah will be turned into brothels the learning of the scribes will decay and sin fearing men will be contemned."
 

"If you are worthy I will hasten it, if you are not worthy it will be in its own time. (Sanh 98a)
first the nations and the generations must do the work, then the conditions of Messiah comes."

This applies to the family. That the Messiah will inaugurate a time of abiding peace and happiness and contentment is naturally stressed, there will be healing to everybody, plague will inflict evil men, Jerusalem will be rebuilt, the temple will be rebuilt but there will be no sacrifices. The temple will be different. There will be great holiness and rejoicing, general resurrection—the World to come, Gan Eden, Gehinnah and Messiah are related ideas.

I have dream/vision about Gorbachev and the Berlin wall. Lucy's folks move from King street. Next day I wish to meet mystery girl, I feel her looking into window at Van Houte's

Next day I find her working at Royal Ville Grocery. I buy five lemons. She is tall blonde and very sweet . I ask her if she received the balloons and a letter. She smiles and asks if 'I'm the one." I smile, I'm getting high on her and her energy is very pure and powerful. I know, with her, I'll automatically come to right conclusion. I said it might have seemed very strange but that it was true. she smiles brightly . I say that it is a beautiful story which I will tell to her one day. It wasn't so beautiful really, too tragic for me to tell.

Dial a Jewish story. Man buys lottery ticket because rabbi had talked about having faith. Tries to bank on the future by asking Rabbi if he would like to buy half of his ticket on the basis of his faith. I had been thinking about buying lottery ticket.

Urge to go out: The door is stuck in Metro train. someone had tried to hold it open for lagging passenger and the doors remained stuck. I thought I can't hold off publishing for the sake of Lucy because so many lives could be at stake. I came home and wrote to Swami about Messiah. Final rounds, talks with DK, Pam Shore

You don't have to kill Cain to find Able & visa versa. The farmers killed the herdsmen. The vegetarians killed the meat eaters. Then went to the land of Nod. (wandered away with a mark on their foreheads, became Hindus!) Or vicing the versa the opposite is the case. See Gilgamesh.

Morning dream. wanted to go out but couldn't find keys . There were many children in the pool but no women, flash of wistfulness.

Suchaytan quoting Shyam:
"There can't be a Nuclear war because God will catch the rockets right out of the air himself."
Shilendra.
"If there is going to be a war I hope the nukes will land right on top of my head."
Valdis:
"Nuke the Commies."

Opinions about nuclear war were really immature in Shyam Space and Swami Shyam not only manipulated using nuclear fears but also had a war-profiteering attitude. He loves to profit by anybody's imbalances, even financial.

I had frequent thoughts about the nukes going off and was very upset by attitudes in Shyam Space about the efforts to end the cold war and put aside nuclear weapons. Reagan had put the Western world in jeopardy and he was a nuclear brinksman, a cowboy with nuclear pistols yelling, "get out of town," at the communist world.

Pam Shore, who knew Lucy personally and had been friends with Stephen Lacroix also, heard the whole argument. Should I write about it. She couldn't finally decide. "You must do it but you must believe in it."

She gave pertinent information. Lucy is selfish, made study of feminine mystique, she had seen Lucy at place des Arts at the time when I had asked her if she was seeing anyone else (just before I asked her to come and live with me) It was a guy with long hair (Steven D.), and presumed that she would have gone out with him. When I mentioned that she said she liked to dance alone, PS just looked at me and scoffed "Oh yeah" she scoffed . "She's a liar, greedy, selfish and into power."

She said that Stephen had been in love with Lucy and had been burnt. He had wanted to drop her but PS taunted him into going back into friendship, saying that as Buddhist monk for ten years he was not very forgiving and so on.

When I read the sections on powers from Kundalini the Mother Power to Pam she scoffed again saying so what they were just the sort of games that people play all the time. She refused to allow that Lucy had any powers anyway, but she treated the talk about powers on an ethical level and came to the same conclusion. Regarding her views about nuclear war and activism, she said it was sufficient to sit at home and think positively. That's very good I thought but when does she ever think positively and her mind is so weak and energy so unrefined the force of such thought must be negligible. Wasn't she just copping out there?

Lucy was dating during the time that she had told me that she was only busy, presumably with school.

Three levels of defensive action
1. against a child with a weapon
2. against the insane, stupid, or otherwise disabled conscience
3. against one of certain ill will and full knowledge of consequence (malicious).
actions
1. disarm without injury - at risk to oneself, instruction
2. disarm with or without injury - no risk to oneself, revision
3. terminate if necessary - punishment.
a defensive action means a response to. hard aggressive actions-death-maiming -enslavement-rapesoft aggressive actions-material gains-power games, jealousy etc.with or without threats
levels of priority in sacrifice=for one's own sake, for the families sake, for the society
sacrifice means foregoing the offensive or preemptive action bearing the burden of the doubt on oneself, doubt— man's intrinsic nature is good but in fact is usually by birth both good and evil. Man can transform himself, the doubt is that one may at anytime breakthrough the antagonism, and find a peaceful channel between enemies. It is the difference between conspiracy and the act. If a thought can create a violent act then other thoughts can reverse it or prevent it. Act first for harmony, but when ill will is firmly established then appropriate punishment follows. Punishment means enforced repentance.

One day shortly after I had met the Mystery Girl (Leslie) I felt Lucy's presence very strongly. As I went driving down to Royal Ville I looked at my odometer. It was 666. Hummm. I gave Leslie some of the writings that I had from my book she seemed very pleased. Then came odometer at 666. I have feeling that Lucy has tuned in on her. Leslie changes. I hope that she has read book.and not been to affected by the Hagging by Chapel. She had appeared almost immediately after I had met Leslie. It shocked me and I began to worry about Leslie. I had shown Leslie the book because I wanted her to know the story before Lucy could do anything to harm her or twist her head. How not to get angry think quietly. New item Shyam is talking a lot about mantra, so I started using the Gayatri.

next meet; I arrive but she seems to be ignoring me. The storekeeper asks me what I want. I have to explain that I would like to talk to Leslie. She is reluctant to talk. I ask about it and she says "read a little and it was interesting but a little too personal. She knows Lucy and had played with Priscilla when she was a little girl, was sent to elementary school with her. She was interested in the first part but not enthusiastic of course she seemed a little like Lucy in the beginning. She had seemed to be her sister. I remember asking about it and the time her father had gone by and had pointed it out to Lucy. That was the night that she told me that she had already had a relationship interest for six months, before she told me.

I felt that I may die, but if it will help save us from nuclear winter I would do just about anything: then later I realize that it is my self-realization I am giving up. vision: the heavenly bookkeeper's speech

apr 2/87; bucket man threatens man in sauna. He looks like demon to me. spiritual dialectical struggle and ethics. graham's friend Peter had opened a place called Heaven: which was part restaurant and part candy store. it goes bankrupt 6 months later.

Evening Apr 2/87: Decided to go out. Went into the metro intending to get off at McGill. Watching many young people, they seemed good to me. decent, positive etc. There was this epigrammatic scene. a young man, jeans and working boots (almost designer), and hat - reminds me a James Dean, two woman with him. The woman (girls 18-20), were talking with young couple opposite at my right. suddenly their friend called to the two girls. They who had been hanging on the arms of our James, now paraded over to the other side of the car to gossip with the couple there. The young James was left to himself and he seemed very amused, he said nothing, but just watched. I was trying to read in the middle of this episode. missed my stop and ran into Mary Courtney.

We were at Place des Arts metro stop and so I walked back towards theater where I saw Hoosiers, with Gene Hackman. Hackman is replacing the coach of the basketball team who had passed away. Basketball is the obsession of this small Indiana town and the team their pride and joy. The young ace of the team was broken up by the death of the old coach and one of the school staff had taken the opportunity to fan his antipathy toward the sport so that he might do more toward improving himself in preparation for state college. As she addresses this to Hackman a man in the film audience yells out "shoot the bitch".  The audience reacted by hissing at him to be quiet "Tsk,Tsk"s were heard about his bad attitude from several men and woman.  Everyone in the town wants to tell Hackman how to coach. He believes in team spirit and not individual stars—he's for a real team discipline. He is the law. The team loves his toughness because he's fair, he cares and he's trustworthy. Players are sent out of the game for back talk. He uses the game to build character. A drunken father of one of the players is reformed (Dennis Hopper), but few town's people are impressed they want more. It is decided that there will be a referendum to decide if the new coach will continue. The teacher who had apposed him in the beginning now spearheads the group wanting Hackman's removal. She has found a report saying that hackman while coaching the state's winning basketball team some ten years previously had been barred from the game because he hit one of his own players. At the meeting Hackman stands up and speaks in his own defense. He says that he tried and that he believed in what he was doing with the current team, that he makes no apology. The whole team is behind him but they do not get to speak. Finally the young ace comes to the meeting and says that he will play but only if the coach stays. The teacher now chooses not to read the report and a vote is cast. Hackman stays. All the way through to the final game he has them play team game without favoritism, until the finals and last games in which the whole team is thrown behind the star. They win the state pennant, and the teacher falls in love with Hackman.

I leave film and go home. Looking at the young people on the train, and they seem essentially good to me. I'm glad that I work to save them. On the way I fell something is wrong. A death or an accident, trouble of some kind. I worry that it is Leslie and go down to Royal Ville.just drift around for a bit. I buy some things and then drop in at Marcos & Pepis for a change. On video the 'God Sandwich' (moderator is called Ehm), U2 with or without you, Gunning for the Buddha, XXbreak; and Angel in my Pocket. A woman is a green track suit comes in and sits down. she watching the Big screen TV as well. I feel like the spirit is saying to pick her up. I laughed to myself and blush a bit. Spirit is saying take it easy, there is so little harm really. God is also in the bar. on Television and everywhere. the girl is the green track suit now is sitting in Lotus position while watching show. Inside I fell that Lucy has lost her husband and wants to suicide. I talk her out of it in my mind. I feel she must have changed and resolve to be more accepting and more forgiving.

leave Marcos & Pepis subway is closed . at doorway a young couple are bidding each other adieux. He is good looking and tall while she is attractive also. He says happily, "Its been good to know you". She laughs, "See you in another lifetime." His final comment as he walks away, " I hope you have many children." Then I turn away and head for home on foot.

Apr 21/87

There were days when if anything went wrong in my dealings with someone, I would just leave it and go somewhere else. Those were the days when I felt there was somewhere else to go. If I was with someone who I didn't agree with I would retire into myself and not get involved in my heart. But I found that if such a situation went a long time I would feel suppressed and that often people would lay trips on me and I would just take it for the sake of peace. But I discovered the that cost me too much and it was preferable just to "face the monkey" and say what I thought, clear the air. I wanted my freedom too.

Even though I like to say it is all one. It is all perfect as well as you I know that there have been times when to say this is only just philosophy to me. If I try to say this in the place of my real feelings and conditions (that actual feelings and conditions of the unrealized mind) which I was living than I left myself open to the problem of hypocrisy. Ideal with people from where I am presently and not what I am hypothetically or potentially.

I know that is possible to say really that you are Self Realized and actually mean that—or like wise to say I actually am knowing the Oneness and Absolute Divinity and that it is all just space. Space alone is. It is possible to say that and mean that just as any man is certain of his name or where he lives.

You could ask what real feelings and conditions? Feelings and conditions are limited and transient and are therefore always unreal. Feelings and conditions arise out of the space or life or Pure Consciousness and dissolve back into it and have no essential existence. You could say that.

But let me ask you then. If you live in a city and you have daily relation and communication with the society within the city, you are bound by law to know what is the good and bad, right and wrong, left and right, top and bottom. not only are we responsible to deal with the pairs of opposites but we may in turn be prosecuted for failing in that duty.

By wanting to transcend the pair of opposites we cannot merely wish it anymore can you pull yourself up by the shoelaces, Maharishi notwithstanding. "Traigunya vishaya vedas" even the best of writings have duality in expression though they point at the Absolute.

So we say along the way, deal with everybody fairly. I have fought the Kurukshetra battle in good faith and I took many scars to do it. I did it for God, for Enlightenment, for world peace and understanding. From a human point of view these are no mean purposes. I did it for the sake of people like you. People who want to be free who are spiritual who are great who will lead this world not into total ignorant demonic destruction but into peace harmony and a beautiful free world. A good life for billions of people whom I love and respect for what they can be. Even if I may have actually achieved nothing I did try and I did put my heart into it.

We used to love the Grateful Dead. And yet to be grateful to be dead is someone who no longer can stand the thought nuclear annihilation and the absolute shock and misery of it any longer and would like to get off the planet before the dead try to rise in the place of the living.

It is very true that peace for the world will be found through the peace for the individual through purification of the mind. But in this world when you say even "mind" or "God" people are offended. That is in this country when we are free to say anything not libelous or scandalous and any crazy person talks a thousand different stories at once; the other people have become deaf to it. In other countries they will hurt you if you try to tell your story, if you go to Muslim territories and say "Tat Twam Asi" and they understand that you are saying "I have realized God", I am One Space alone" they might just kill you, just as they did Al Hallaj who said this. So we have to tread very lightly write our message and choose our words carefully.

Apr 25/87: S.Y. Centre called saying important tape had arrived and was being shown this evening. I walked from Snowdon to Papineau to see it (metro strike). It was on seva and said "Do your own duty" read from Geeta. To work for God, Selfless service. She says - even the slightest ignorance results in pain, felt very refreshed by visit to Ashram. chatted with devotees, chanting and meditation I found it very refreshing. Met Linda there. She mentioned being to Paris.

Had dream in the morning. Two men and a woman. Argument. Man reminded me of Klaus Maria Bandur tight germanic smooth and vicious. its bucket man. I leave because of the argument and meet someone at the door wearing fraternity scarf. Ask for his help. He doesn't and just chuckles, then goes inside. I resolve to go to car to get something, but he car is gone. I turn back and the door to the house is closed. I realize that my jacket is still inside. On the lawn there is a shelf with a blanket on it—its light blue like my jacket but has another color in it. I put the blanket on instead and the take it off and fold it up again. I return it to the shelf.

I begin to see images of the three Tibetan Buddhists - next day three men together at ALVh I get the feeling of conspiracy from them. Stephen ignores me, another man is with them.

Cain & Able - Adam & Eve Able - omophagy Cain - vegetarian Seth - a mixture The morning before I was supposed to go to TO to see M&D (Mom and Dad). Called Debbie she said call Sunday. Went down to Van Hoote, sat near window saw Neftin wave to him to come in but he couldn't stop. Saw Pam Schore she said hello but didn't stop

Got on Metro and was really beat. I was thinking of giving up on the whole project, flee the country somehow. I was in bad mood about people and didn't want to help Did you come to save the world?? Maybe I will and maybe I will just leave it.

Girl in the seat opposite me in the subway car is eating an apple. She just was finishing it when I start to think to myself perhaps she will just throw it on the floor. This is what Eve really did wrong, she didn't lie to God or disobey anybody, she just stopped giving a damn and threw the apple core on the floor of the subway car. And I, Adam, stand there criticizing her but do nothing myself. She surprises me by rushing out of the car at the next stop and slam dunking the core into the waste receptacle, then rushing back into the car. Very good timing she had. She sat down again she was really pleased about her coup. So was I. We just beamed at each other. "Good one, citizen" I said. "Thanks," she beamed at me some more. I got off at the next stop.

Savitri and Satyavan:

This story is dedicated to Mary Magdalene, who was at the side of Christ when he rose from the tomb.
Jesus said to her, "Mary."
She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!"(which means teacher)
Jesus said to her, "Do not hold to me (hug me), for I have not yet returned (ascended) to the father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'"

Jesus, according to the Gospel of Philip loved Mary Magdalene.

... the companions of the Savior is Mary Magdalene. But Christ loved her more than all the disciples and used to kiss her often on the mouth. The rest of the disciples were offended by it..They said to him, "Why do you love her more than all of us?" The savior answered and said to them, "Why do I not love you as I love her." She was not the whore people said she was. In fact he removed seven 'demons' from her. That doesn't imply that she was particularly bad. It means she was purified totally and that ordinary people still have those demons. She was a visionary and was often among the apostles although no officially recognized by the early male chauvinist church. It should be noted that most of the apostles would have had wives. Certainly Peter did. It would have been unusual for Christ not to marry.

Scene I

In the land of Madra there lived a king who was faithful pure in heart, and righteous. He was much loved by his country men.The king Ahwapati undertook penance as he was old anguished and his days almost done. The king undertook his penance with great piety, following the precepts and very spare in diet. He sang the Savitri hymn, fasted was humble and brave.Year after year he gathered virtue. Savitri the goddess emerged from the alter fire, grants him a boon, "Penance and sacrifice can move the Immortal Powers and the pureness of they conduct doth thy heart's objective prove." She blesses him with a child in Swayambhu's name. She grants a daughter —Savitri incarnated. She was called Devya Kanya or born a goddess.

She grew up, beautiful, slender waist and rounded bosom. Awe struck, no one dared to ask for her hand. Then one day, freshly bathed she came to the alter to pray and with cakes and libations duly fed the Sacred Flame (like Shree— in radiance). She went to her father and gave him flowers and made obedience. The Guru Ashwapatra said it was time for her to look for a spouse. She goes about the kingdom in her golden chariot, goes from ashram to hermitage, tirthas through forest and stream. One day she returns home to find Narad and Ashwapati.

Narad, "She's not married."
Ashwapati: "She is looking for a suitor." Daughter tell the Rishi what is your choice.
She blushed. Savitri, "Salwa's monarch, was a mighty king, righteous Dyamatsena, now feeble and sightless. Robed of his kingdom, he with his queen and infant son, lived in the jungle.
"He did penance, his wife lived on fruits and vegetables, and together they nourished a child. the child grew and is now a youth. His name is Satyavan, he is my choice."
Satyavan is the soul of the truth. Narad, thoughtful and dole.
"Sad disaster awaits Savitri if you marry Satyavan. Truth loving was his father, truthful the mother, truth and virtue rule his actions —Satyavan his royal name. he loved horses and he loved to draw them—Chitraswa, art-loving gallant boy.
"Ashwapati - "Please tell me why is this so sad."
Narad," Surya's shines in him (the Sun), Brihaspatis' wisdom he has, like Mahendra in his prowess, and patience like the Earth. Yet a disaster marks his fate from birth.
"Tell me, Rishi, then the reason," cried anxious Ashwapati, "they should no be married isn't he the best?"
Narad: "Yes indeed he is free in gifts like Rantideva."
So the holy Rishi said, "Versed in lore like monarch Sivi who all ancient monarchs led. Yayatu—open hearted, chandr graceful, Ashwins —fair and handsome. He is patient, self-controlled, noble, kind, true to his friends. Yet she should not marry."
Ahswapati, "Tell me what fatal flaw is meant."
Narad, "It is decreed on high, on this day, twelve months from now, this ill fated prince will die."
Then was shaken and he cried, "Never will my daughter, marry someone so short lived. Savitri chose another. What a cruel fate!"
Savitri, "Father, I have heard Narad and understood. Only once and maiden chooseth, twice her troth may not be be given. Whether his life is long or short, he is mine. What my heart has chosen that is my word, if not I go into the forest wilderness in renunciation."
Narad, "King. she is decided. Satyavan has greater than a mortal share of virtue. Let her word and Heaven help them."
Ashwapati weeps, "You are Rishi and holy preceptor."He prays to heaven to avert evils." So be it then. He blesses Savitri and Satyavan. The forest Rishis all bless them.

Scene II

Scene III

They leave the wood for home.