Utnapishtim

Note: Names —Shyam Charan Shrivastava (SCS) and Shyam Space (SS) or "Swami Shyam"

Once I decided to take Leslie to the ashram to teach her a little yoga. She had been tentative about it for quite a long time. It was in 1990. I went to Marcil where Deepriya and Sheelananda had set up shop and it was the place I preferred. Bansoorya at Montclair was acting the fool and had interpreted her role there as space leader as a quasi dictatorship. She was so poor at satsang and so new-age-ish that many people were annoyed and a petition was circulated and signatures put down. The petition asked Shyam to remove her. She was removed and went to India. Madhu sister of Brian Mulroney had become space leader there and I felt she had very little space to lead with.

Then I went to Marcil instead. I taught Leslie a class that I have taught many times and that was a simple set of aasaanas with meditation taking altogether about 40 minutes. All during this time there was a bad energy really bothering me. It seemed to be coming from the West and I couldn't conclude that it was anything but memory all the same. It spoiled the class. After we left she went on her way to a class at the CEGEP. I went home and meditated some more. I realized that I was getting hurt even in my teaching. There was no reason for Swami Shyam not to help out and yet he didn't say anything. All the same when he had come by and for a short time afterwards there was no great problem. What had happened?

Kimmie visited the Ashram with me and liked it.

I was spending a lot of time reading and trying to finish my story. Kimmie was going to university taking anthropology. She had entered as a mature student. Every now and then she would invite me to a lecture which was relevant to my work. she had many friends and she had introduced me to them. I enjoyed being with them as they were good people. Jennifer B., another Kimmie and Suzie S. especially where we used to go out for walks together. It felt good to me to be with the people. I was sensing then my need to get free from ashram movies.

Barbara Mulroney was then head of the house and like her brother was very strong and with definite opinions. One day I had seen her on the metro sitting in front of me, three or four seats away. Despite the fact that I had been with the ashrams for twenty years she neither looked nor smiled. I checked out her look and she was very angry. She was supposedly the "space leader."

Eventually Greg had come up with some marvelous technical solutions to contribute to the sustainability of developments. He started to invest in ecological interests. He started considering a "Green" fund, and we set up a database of all socially conscious investment groups. I continued with my brother and we were beginning to do the ESE project. Environmental Source energy. That was such a beautiful concept that it seemed we would develop a totally clean and green energy source.

One time I had been talking to Kimmie about the synchronicities and their interpretation. We were at my place on Earnscliffe. We went out to go for a coffee and had just gone out the front when I saw two wooden widows had been left on the sidewalk. One of them had been set upright and the other was lying on the ground facing down. One a window on the neighborhood and the other a window only to the sidewalk!

I was often at the university library and was studying more of the western literature—history, some anthropology and archaeology of man.

One day I was at the park and there was a small fair going on. It was the summer of 1990. it had been a whole year of struggle with Chapel even though it had seemed to be abated at some points, distant or reduced energy about it. I had finished most of my writing but the struggle was still going on. I sat with some people that Kimmie knew and someone produced some smoke, and I took a few puffs. I was feeling a little bit more mellow and I later walked up Girourd to St. Luke. On a street sign I saw two crows sitting. Just as I watched one flew off toward the west and the other flew off toward the East. Like two robbers taking off. Later I went into the grocery before going home, there was a woman whose sweatshirt had "Thanks for pot smoking," written on it. I thought that seeing the crows must be symbolic somehow.

Judy kept her cottage. Don't see her very often. Nancy recovered partially and had settled out West. Neftin and I are still fast friends. Don Kurt I don't see anymore. Graham is still at the Bouquet de Balloons. Andrea got married again. She looks very, very healthy. Thank god for the freedom I have to write such a thing and to be able to practice Yoga. Thank god for secular humanism a great stabilizing force.

Why don't we make Canada a nuclear free zone?

The God of Monotheism and the God of Advaita Vedanta meet here. This is a message for the people. It is a blessing from god. The western religions have constantly put down the idea of such in dwelling of God in Unity with man's inner being; God and man remain separate. Yet Beatitude can never be more that this unity of God and Man in life. Heaven or resurrection can never do more for you in the future than what Self-realisation can do for you today. The problem of Indian philosophy is the lack of community spirit and the persistence of class bound behaviors.

Thematic transition narrative

Scene: The mouth of the rivers in the land of Dilmun (Harrapa) is probably near Karachi in India.

Gilgamesh arrives wearing skins of a beast (connotations of Able), cheeks starved, face drawn, Enkidu his friend is dead. Now Gilgamesh wants secret of immortality. Urshanabi the ferryman has taken him across the waters of death. Utnapishtim reclining and at ease (shades of Neem Koroli Baba) suggest to Gilgamesh that he not wear his leather jacket.

Utnapishtim says - there is no permanence. These are the earliest and most Easterly teachings of this sort on record. The story of the flood is told to Gilgamesh as an answer to the secret of immortality. It took place in Surrupak (Sumer).

Noah was Utnapishtim of the flood. This story is originally in the tale of Gilgamesh, which is a very old story. It may go as far back 3000 BC, which is the age of flowering Sumerian civilizations. The original Noah was Utnapishtim and there is good reason to believe that he lived in one of the cities of the new, at that time, civilization of the Indus (a previous civilization) centering possibly in Harrapa or Mohenjodaro. It was Noah that Gilgamesh went for the secret of immortality. Utnapishtim tested him, but because he could not stay awake for seven days he was not granted to know. Gilgamesh then was granted to know about the prickly pear in the bottom of the sea, which would help him restore his youth (a Soma). He dived and got it. On the way home he stopped beside and pond to clean himself and a snake came up from the bottom of the pond and stole the fruit and ate it. Immediately the serpent shed its skin and was rejuvenated. Gilgamesh went home to Sumer without the secret of immortality and without the medicine or magic fruit, which would restore his health. He became Noah and the ancestor of Abraham.

The disagreement between East and West in religion begins with this myth.

Utnapishtim the father of Gilgamesh entered the assembly of gods and found everlasting life. He lived in Dilmun the place of the suns transit at a distance of one month and fifteen days by boat across the water east of Sumer. Such a period of time in a canoe amounts to almost 1800 miles. That is plenty of time to reach even Bombay from the mouth of the Persian Gulf.

Utnapishtim asked, "Who will assemble the God for you Gilgamesh, can you stay awake for seven days?"

Abraham: The etymology is uncertain because it is Indo-European root. It is not Akkadian. Abram - means nobility, loftiness, eminence, father, exalted, to be high. Abraham - etymology uncertain "father of the multitude." In India Brahm means, the absolute, in the later stages but in the early days refereed to a primal power, a personal power. Yahweh said to Abrahm

"I will bless those who bless you
I will curse those who slight you
All the tribes of the earth
shall be blessed by you"

These are God's first words to the Jews, the Christians and the Moslems. And still today they curse the sons of Utnapishtim the sons of Brahm because they, the Children of Abraham, did not know the secret of immortality and did not keep the fruit of immortality.

Yahweh: "I am who I am"
Jesus: "I am", "the Father and I are One."
India: four Mahavakya (great phrases); "Tat Twam Asmi," - "Thou art that," "Sarvam Kalvidam Brahm," - "All this is that," "Aham Brahm Asmi" - "The God and I are One," "ayam atma brahm," "this soul of mine is really god essence."
Jesus Christ at birth. The wise men came from the east are Magi. Magi are Shaman of the cast of Medes, possibly of Zarathustra (also virgin born) i.e. Simon Magus. The Magi were very Vedic of the old style and Zarathustra was shocked by them. In the history of religions we might seem to be victims of God's cruelest pun.

BRAHMAN: ancient word used in Vedic era (1500 BC and earlier) meaning now absolute (now) absolute then exalted to be high lofty subtle essence of universe, ground, prime or energy.
ABRAHAM: Not brahm and always opposed to self realization.

Abraham came from Sumer and stopped in Haran which was later to become the Kingdom of the Mittani (circa 1400 BC and quite possibly with some influences of an earlier period. Abraham was supposedly, if he were actually a person and not a tribe as some people think, to have passed by this area in about 1800 BC. The Mittani society was a double class with Hurrian and Hittites people ruled by Mittani (Vedics) aristocracy. They called their called their Gods Mithra, Varuna etc (vedic and Indo European names) and no doubt held some of the Vedic religious ideals, they must also have used the word Brahman (which first came into use in India at least by the time of the recording of the first Vedas 1750 - 1250 BC) The use of the word at that time was similar to the etymology of the word Abraham. the religions of Abraham however have been historically apposed (dogmatically or theologically) to idea of God realization for mankind. they have the same root and yet they diverge on this fact of Realization (direct perception of Brahma). they are A- against Brahma (unmanifest formless god consciousness in man). So Possibly it is some forefather of the Mittani that called him Abraham.

When Gilgamesh awoke from his slumber of seven days cast by Utnapishtim he found seven loafs of bread, the proofs of the passing of seven days. he said to Utnapishtim, "What shall I do, O Utnapishtim where shall I go? Already the thief in the night has got hold of my limbs, death inhabits my room, wherever my foot rest there I find death"

Ursha Nabi the Ursha prophet was banned from the land at the mouth of the rivers. The Euphrates.

Zarathustra predicted that Ahura Mazda and Ahriman would struggle for 12,000 years. It looks like the battle of good and evil, but in reality it is the struggle of the religions of mankind for sovereignty which I think will not end too soon. Already 4000 years have passed and men have still not agreed on the nature of God and the truth about how to realize the truth of it. But I predict that when the children of Abraham, the Jews and the Moslems and the Christians and now the Bahai stop their argument among themselves we will be able to have religious concord. The foundation will be Absolute God. Then we will be able to release the goodness of the spirit of mankind and not before.

"Heading the good spirits was Ahura Mazdah (also Ormazd or Ormuzd) [sovereign knowledge], in primitive Zoroastrianism the only god. Six attendant deities, the Amesha Spentas, surround him. These abstract representations, formerly the personal aspects of Ahura Mazdah, are Vohu Manah [good thought], Asha Vahista [highest righteousness], Khshathra Vairya [divine kingdom], Spenta Armaiti [pious devotion], Haurvatat [salvation], and Ameretat [immortality]. In time the Amesha Spentas became archangelic in character and less abstract. Opposing the good ahuras were the evil spirits, the daevas or divs, led by Ahriman. The war between these two supernatural hosts is the subject matter of the fully developed cosmogony and eschatology of Zoroastrianism." Columbia Encyclopedia, Sixth Edition, Copyright (c) 2003.

After Shyam had left. I had started to make serious efforts to write and had encountered heavy vibrations from a woman. Since I had written a lot about difficulties in Montreal to Shyam and he had indicated in so many ways that Lucy was the woman I presumed it was so. I had a lot of stuff in my subconscious about the woman and I knew as I wrote it all down that it was getting heavier for me, there was no real proof that it was so, I was just taking Shyam's word for it. India philosophic.

More struggle in my mind. I wanted my one day, a true holiday with nothing on my mind. One day to just relax and enjoy life. I bought a dime and the local candy store. and a voice came in my head "What about Shyam You'll hurt yourself," I ignored and smoked anyway, finished that outline of the book, then felt a war coming on with the spooks. Rust ran in the tap in the shower when I turned it on. Rust! It looks like blood. I felt I must review my escape into music Kim and smoking. My life is dedicated I thought. No room for errors. It seems. I've lost my freedom in a way, besides whenever I take a mistake The Thing gets at my throat. Anna (mayakosh) the Avenging angel (the demonic Righteousness). A mist is gathering outside in the night.

From my notes before I realized what he really had done. It served shyam's purpose to project all these things on Lucy or any other woman in the neighborhood.

[spook shyam 01]

In late 1989 at University de Montreal where Shyam had delivered his speech in Montreal, a young man had gone nuts and killed 14 woman. It was an atrocity that had been instantly reported all over the western world. It was so bad. The next day women on the metro looked very hurt themselves, and I felt, as a man, that they weren't wrong if they regretted the company somehow. As I looked over the crowd in the car I sensed a wariness about men and violence. There was such a bad attitude about in North America and spouses were violated by some 1 in 10 husbands. Sad, really sad. I meditated a long time on it, thought word, and deed. How to stop the violence. How to keep off the barbs of interaction and keep it civil as my dad used to say. My Dad never hit my Mom. I don't remember them even raising their voices. If they argued they would go into their room and talk. Loud but never any violence. I only remember that their angry argument once in my teen years. I am thankful for that.

Things I remember by vision. 1991 spring time. Shyam looking at me and suddenly putting his glasses on. I was just checking him out in satsang in 1989 and he suddenly looks at me and puts his glasses on. It was aggressive posturing so I looked away because there was no love for me in it. The next year after I had finished the book and had sent it to Kullu he was more around and I was not exactly loving it but felt that I needed the direction to get through the "crises" which I thought at that time was still going on with Lucy.

I had seen Pundit Ravi shankar in 1988 or so and had heard him allude to religious life as peeling the banana, the form really is not the essential but to get the form off and eat the fruit. So in 1990 he, Shyam spook, was always saying in my mind we are peeling the banana.

In the fall I thought to go to the west coast to get away from it all, "she'll follow you," "fear stricken yoga students", "fifi" other disparage remarks, he says "where will you be if you fear these guys." etc

I was walking through Westmount when I ran into Simon Kiddle (Shyam Sunder). He was a charming, good looking young man about 30 years old, and of Scotish origin. His mother Shauna came and went from Findhorn and had bought a house there near her childhood home. He had recently been in Kullu. Simon tells me that he had gone somewhat off his nut there. He said that Shyam had been talking about how people think they are dancing for the bliss. Shyam gave a satsang on how it was not so. This was apropos Deeppriya dancing for the satsang and put on a moving performance of the modern interpretation of Bharati Natyam and 'the philosophy'.

There was another kerfufful about Upalabdhi, an American woman, having a breakdown and rushing into the satsang room and saying to SCS, "There are no rules eh?" and biting him on the arm. SCS had sloughed her onto Devindra saying take good care of her and she was soon on the way back to Vermont to Essence, which Gopal and Radha had run. They were formerly attached to the Satchitaananda ashram and had been Swamis there but had gotten into a big argument with him and soon started their own place on a nice property in Vermont. I believe that one of them had substantial wealth. They were very strong but had started to do nude bathing in groups which bothered some of the other people in Shyam Space.

Simon mentioned that he had been to a satsang one time and had been observing the goings on and the talk of freedom and had questioned it seriously. Anyway it seems that Simon had been listening to these same no rules arguments. He suddenly got up and walking to the front of the room he had sat on the 'seat' beside Shyam. And had just got up and walked to the front of the room to the 'seat' during Satsang and had sat beside Shyam and said, "Well, I just thought I say a few words about freedom." The gopis were aghast and there was a big blast of quietly sizzling rancor about him speaking out of turn. He was told he must be mad and believed them. They called him nuts and he was hurt somewhat. Besides he had felt that he was in some kind of space that he didn't understand.

Later he told me that SCS had put on a little demonstration of non-violence and a mosquito was let to sit on his arm and take his blood. Simon said that it appeared to him that many people were somehow marginal in their minds and there was a lot too much energy. He pointed out that Archana, Gibbie's sister was especially feeling out of it and went about with shades and a shawl over her head, and it seemed like an air of the Italian movie stars. He told me that many people there seemed to be faring really badly, that Manoj had gone back (to Kullu) and that he had been labeled a thief. His mother Shauna had fallen out with Shyam Space and was no longer associated. Still he was going to the ashram. He told me that many in Kullu were very stretched out and had appeared to be nuts to him. Like 25% he said.

Ian Stanbury or Ananta had suffered an incident concerning a snake. It seems that he had arrived back from satsang one evening and upon opening the door to his room he found a cobra inside. He went out and got a stick and waved it around until the cobra went back out the drain pipe in his kitchen. It seems that the drain pipe opening was sufficient for the snake to get in. I wondered why the design of these houses was so bad that anything at all could get in. There was all kinds of dangerous things in the rooms, including spiders, scorpions, centipedes and now snakes. Cobras are really dangerous and many people die from them every year in India.

He said that one of his (Swami's) 'loyal lieutenants' went completely nuts. Atmaananda continues at a karate institution, was a black belt in Karate. This was the not first time that Atmaananda had gone off. The first time was in 1976 and he had gone off his head, Shankar was assigned to take him to New Delhi. Shankar said he was masturbating on the bus on the way to Delhi which he pointed out was very embarrassing. Even then Atmaananda was studying Karate. Needless to say after he brought the rich students to Shyam he again was invited to Kullu valley. Now in 1992 or so he gone over to India and one day he goes nuts again, and had been 'very free'—so free he had one day kicked Gayatri in the stomach. Atmaananda and was in the ashram from at least 1974. He had found two other students who had inherited after they joined the ashram from the wife's mother? Henri and Yukti as they are called. I believe that she had obtained as much as 14 million.

Anyhow, he kicks Gayatri in the abdomen probable disabling her, then when Nooton came along to stop him (she had been close to him) he kicked her in the head, and she falls, and then when Kabir comes running up to help them out Atmaananda aims a kick right at his temple. This is a man with a black belt in kempo. Lucky for Kabir he he missed his temple, but unfortunately, he took a glancing blow that almost put him under. Kabir's a good athlete and very strong. Kabir left India in 1986-1988, but had returned. Now after this Swami had held a satsang and had sent Atamaananda home. During the Satsang he had been "incredibly loving to Atmaananda." After quite a while as I checked out the names given to students, I realized that word Atma usually refers to the small self, while param atma refers to the highest Self. Selfishness in hindi is swatwaatmiktaa. That is Swa-twa-atmik-taa. This translates to over-essense-self-ness. Usually if a name is given to an initiate he would be called Paramatmaananda. In other words this is devotion to the highest self, and not self-love like atmaanaanda as was given here. Gayatri had started with the ashram from about 1974 or so and was at the time a home-owner in Ottawa. The name Gayatri is in reference to the great mantra from the Vedas and to the Devi who is mother of the Vedas, and the essential parabrahma. Shyam had promised her that if she gave up her home and used the cash to go to his ashram in India she would definitely be Self Realized within 24 years. At the time of the incident her realization was overdue. What she got instead was a kick in the stomach from self-love of Shyam. Symbolically the self-titled swami of Shyam, the tamasic Deity, energized his self love to kick the fabulous Gayatri the essential mantra of the vedas.

Later I talked to Archana in Ottawa. She recounted a story about Karuna her daughter getting swept away in the currents of the Beas River, and had remarked. "I don't know Nacho, I was so upset and was running down the river banks screaming to her to get to the shoreline. My emotions were so out of control. I thought I had made progress in self-realisation until then. But in the flash of the possibility of my daughter drowning, I lost every bit of composure." She seemed to regret doing anything. I was afraid for her. She went on a bit mentioning 'human beings' in an acquired condescending manner and had given me the idea that Shyam Space currency was to condescend to human beings. Hans Raj who was in the kitchen went into a flip out about Brijendra. Archana just looked at him and sighed and turned back to cutting the vegetables for lunch. Later I figured out that Archana had been persuaded to forget about her father's suicide by getting her to deprecate human (Hume) beings. What then of human rights (Hume Wright) where India has such a poor record as to be the stigma of the developing world?

I went to see Swami Chidananda of the Shivananda Ashrams. He was quite old and he had a very traditonal air to him. I had long thought he was realized according to his reputation. I sat in the audience for about one half hour and then got up and left. He had put a huge picture of Shivananda on the stage and had adorned it with flowers. He was still the head of the order on Rishikesh. He wasn't very lively in his speech and only sounded as if he were a pundit. No great insight.

[spook.shyam.02]
I sent a message to Shyam and he sent message back definitely print your book and you will be famous for it.
[Earl's earls tell everybody you knew.]
In the late spring of 1990 there had been a terrible burning sensation in my heart. it was awful shearing away at the heart. It was coming from the spooks.
[spook.shyam.03]
In early June I had gone up North with Kimmie to visit with my parents at the Lake. We were really enjoying a love at that time and Kimmie had finished her degree, but was doing some courses for the summer. I wasn't smoking in those days. I accepted one from Kim as we sat on the dock. The water was quiet and we were close together talking. It was one of those cool evenings of Laurentian Quebec and she had the thick knit sweater on that she often wore. The evening sun was glancing over the small waves and I was relatively happy. My parents were there and I was getting alone well with them. My mother liked Kim quite a lot and was asking if we were going to get married as mothers do.

Some time later Kim had gone up North near Ottawa for a weeks canoe trip on the Rouge River. Two days later I was at home and I had a vision that she was being chased by a bear. I considered it and then decided that it was just my imagination. It made me quite concerned though and I was restless until she got back in good health. She told me as we sat down at my place that it was a fact and that they had to run away for while when a black bear had come to scavenge the camp. They had gone up a tree eventually.

I felt that Kimmie was being hurt by The Thing and I had to stop seeing her. I didn't know how to tell her, that I loved her but that she mustn't be around me. Would she believe me. It cut my heart very deeply to see that and she was very angry. I could say very little. She was about to go out West as she had graduated in any case so she attributed it to the prospect of splitting up with her. I had tried to tell her about it but she was sickened by the idea and wouldn't hear. She left for the West in Sept. 1990.

I had dropped in again at the Montclair Ashram. It turned out that Nootan had come back from India for a while. While we were sitting in the meditation room together I observe her as she sat listen to the speeches and what not. While her physical health seemed quite good, and her bodily aura seemed to be very clean (white) her consciousness was incredibly black. It was like charcoal. She was called upon to speak and while she spoke I could see that her expression was very plastic. Well it was dumb. Her face was dumb. Her speech was just ordinary and inside there was hell, black as could be. She was saying memorized phrases called ABC talk in Shyam Space. It was like a sales speech for coffee somehow. Uninspired. I considered for while whether I should find a new way of looking at her. She had spend some 20 years doing yogic practice. Was it her or was it the practice that didn't do that much for her. Outwardly she was healthy, even vibrant, inwardly she was dead or maybe even evil. Somebody else was now chosen to talk and I was distracted from my observation.

Somewhere along the line I began to notice that Shyam was not protecting my meditations or for example the word Om. "Read me", his voice kept saying. That was his only thought. that meant that I should read his books, which I had already read but couldn't enjoy anymore. I was to realize later that they were to be a source of many wrong understandings

1990 at Montclair. RamDev looking very angry after returning from Kullu Valley, I could see the heaviness in black mind inside. Same with Nootan who looks like charcoal briquettes have lighted up inside even if she appears to have a sattwic aura. Recalling a meditation when I had seen Nootan coming in the astral domain, Shyam's aura had been very dark inside as he went into meditation, a tamasic residual during the samadhi, same with Hridaya Priya Montclair 1986. Devindra looking obsidian as we converse lightly behind Montclair. He mentions Dikpal and the fluffies (women), there seems to be competition between "woo, woo Dikpal" and himself. I realize he has not changed at all and still has the fluffies theories of Brahmacharya. I am convinced that Devindra had so many slips he should no more call himself Brahmachari than me. Fluffies is a word fostered by SCS. It really demeans — how many were like that in the satsang? Quite a few.

Upaladhi goes nuts runs into the ashram meditation room in Kullu valley and goes up to Shyam and says, "No rules huh," and bites him on the arm. good for Upalabdhi. Pooky Swaroop's son at 10 or 12 jumping on Shyam and banging him on the head, funny Swaroop got a problem with her neck after that and couldn't get rid of it. Good for Pookie though. Even though Shyam had let him do it for quite awhile and had no explanation as to why she suffered for it. Bruce (Brahm) in the kitchen with Devindra at First Ave 1982 where bruce goes, "oh, yeah" and sticks his fingers in Devindra's nose and hauls him around the kitchen. Shakti starts to holler and runs upstairs crying again and Shankar has to throw yet another person out of the ashram.

Later Bruce crying in Montreal at the Madison Avenue subashram and saying Shyams were his only friends. "No sense crying about it," I thought, "why don't you find some better friends." He just cries at people and can't explain. I started to think about that. It was part of the reason I decided to get to know anybody else when I went to Montreal in 1985. Sick of Shyam's ashrams and still trying to be a meditator. It took a long time to find out just how many gurus from India were going to prove to be reprehensible creeps— almost, but not quite as bad, as the Shyam that was head of my reference group.

Many years ago the police had tried to seize the ashram car (in India). Then Dan and Shyam had taken the car off the road and had dragged it up the stairs and put it on the roof of Patanjali Hall. He had intimidated the whole valley because they knew that if anybody tries to go on the property to get it, not only will they get hurt in their minds, but they will get hurt because he had enough money to drag them through lawsuits or just to hire his own private army. It was the perfect scam for him (SCS) to live in India with so many rich Westerners. There were so few, if any, Indian students there perhaps because they could tell the difference between a realized saint and an unrealized man. Then of course, he (SCS) isn't really responsible to the Western authorities either. The young Westerners who went there did not know much about the traditions for India.

There were certainly better examples of gurus in India. Muktananda himself had started his Saddhana at fifteen years of age. He walked and wandered around India as a traditional holy man and had realized later in his life. Shyam of course led the life of a business man and Bureaucrat and saw himself as a member of artistic circles and had five children. I don't suppose that he really knew very much about the traditions of India. I know that he hates hearing the word quisling, with which he must have been catering a lot to Westerners.

[spook.shyam.04]

Anyway, as I sat enjoying what I could of the conversations with Jennifer, I saw that Shyam himself was around and that he didn't like being with the present company. Again I felt this was annoying as I didn't want to go to the ashram anymore because they really didn't show me any love either.

One day I was going to a film, and along came Gopal (Alain) who used to live with Sneh, as opposed to Gopal (Gary Bellows) who lived with Radha in Vermont. He, Alain mentioned the fact that Canada had accepted into the country a man who had escaped from a South American dictatorship (perhaps Equador). He said the man had actually been a torturer of political prisoners but had been accepted anyway. The man had stated that he had been forced to work in the prison and that slowly he had been made to torture people. In three years he got quite used to it and thought no more about it. He no longer knew that he was a torturer. I thought that that story seemed to fit into my life. A hardship had happened to me: why hadn't Shyam even realize that I was being tortured either. Surely knowing the akash was his role.

[spook.shyam.05]

First scene in Girourd park with Kim. I was counting my blessings that Kim was loving me. We sat in the park and it was community day. All kinds of tables had been set up espousing causes and practices mostly of the new age kind. The animals rights table, the ecology table — some greenpeace reps and various therapeutic groups were manning their various tables.

We were sitting with MM and Kim's brother, and some of his friends. There was a woman Lane (not the same one) who was the health care worker at the head and hands clinic. Kimmie was still finishing off her degree in anthropology and I was still reading and writing and working with Greg. Somehow a joint was (it was a festival day in the park and there were many hippies around) introduced and I flashed on the thought that it was like an North American Indian peace pipe. I took a puff and we sat and talked over the beat of the bongos in the amphitheater not to far away. A wandering tribe of the Sunday in the park crowd that hang out on Sunday with the spontaneous bongos and flute orchestra of the Fletcher's field park combo. We sat and at that time there came up an image of two people by the end of the day. One a woman and the other a man, an angry man, he had a wad of cotton in his hand and there was a rifle near by leaning up against the corner of the room or something, they were fighting. The man was saying, "you'll eat cotton." I wondered if it wasn't just Girourd park.

Kimmie and I left later in the after noon. As we walked over to my house, up Girourd we were talking and enjoy ourselves and Kim was talking about the beginning of the ice cream restaurants that was MCDougherty's (McHale and Dougherty or some such combination). As we were passing by the corner of Earnscliffe and Cote St. Antoine, I saw two crows sitting of the street sign, the road sign. One on each branch or panel at the top. They were sitting silently and I looked them over. As I watched one flew east and the other flew south or west. they flew in separate directions. one east on cote st; luc road and the other down Earnscliffe. This reminded me of an article that Shyam had written called Two Meditative Birds. In this writing an older more experience bird is sitting in the higher branches and talks to the younger bird on a lower branch.

I thought it was some sort of meaningful coincidence — a synchronicity — but then I shrugged. we went into the corner grocery just off Cote St. Luc and I was wandering around the isles of the store when a woman about twenty five and very healthy, happy and strong looking,  passed the other way down the isle and smiling at me as she goes by. Her T-shirt says thanks for pot smoking, as in to make a jest at the expense of the no-cigarettes crowd. "THANKS FOR POT SMOKING". I was charmed by this combination of symbols that had just been put on display in my life by some mere coincidence.

[spook.shyam.06]

KF who had been going out with SR, was now getting very interested in Shyam Space. When I first knew her through Kimmie and Concordia in the fall of 1988 she seemed to me to be a very open young woman (she was twenty). I had introduced her at the ashram at Marcil where Deepriya had then resided, with Sheelananda and Tony Demerais. etc. She had gone there for a while and when Swami Shyam came to Canada in August 1989 she had gone up the Lac Archambault (the Berlin's summer place) to be introduced to him. She was of half European and half Hindu origin and was dark in colour and quite good looking. She was working so had only gone for the afternoon.

In late summer 1990 she had gotten very ill and had become paralyzed. She lay in the hospital for about 6 months before she came out and it was only lucky in some opinions that she ever came out at all. She had been working very hard at her school and couldn't sleep much. It was a nervous system disease. Funny I thought that she should meet Shyam and then get ill right afterward. Because I was feeling so bugged myself I didn't go to visit her in the hospital. In fact I was not getting free from the hellish supernatural that had first started in 1988, and I thought that it would be better for her given that she already has a disease of the nervous system if I didn't visit. She never forgave me and I couldn't explain.

[spook.shyam.06]

Nov. 1990

I wrote a precise and gave it to a lot of people, and include the story of the conflict from my side hoping someone would sort it out if she ever came around Westmount.

Fall:(?) a two story clapboard house which I seem to be seeing from the backyard where there is a white shed or garage on the premises, the house is a dark red/brown with green of black(?) roof.

Near Christmas: she took your father's license plates! she seems to be taking names. "he says EG (Poowyll) to people." I hear it definitely in my mind. Is Lucy pretending therefore that she doesn't know me and is still wanting to give my name to these guys who are treating me as if I am some sort of hit man. I am really hurt inside. they seem to be talking about my girlfriend.

[spook.shyam.08]

I was starting to go into the churches in the Snowdon area where I lived. Every sunday I would put on some fine clothing, a white shirt and gray pants, and got to one church or another. The attendance was very low but there was a very good feeling to it. At one church almost everybody was over fifty and most had white hair. I enjoyed.

At the Anglican church I had shared a baptism rite that was most delightful. Everyone in the congregation was invited to gather at the back where there was a small standing bath. The baby was asleep and the parent were smiling. The minister held the child in his arms and gently sprinkled some water on his head, welcoming him into the world in the name of Christ. At four corners surrounding the happy parents and the minister with the child stood four holding lit candles. After a few quiet prayers we returned to our pews to sing a hymn. The minister then came down the isle still holding the infant in his arms and speaking out to the congregation introduced the child to them all asking them to care for it, to remember him and cherish him, in the name of God. I was delighted and the spirit of the community was strong. I left the church later and came into the sunlight smiling and went home to read some of the hymns, "Lord of the Dance," being the first I saw:

"Dance, dance wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the dance said he."

I am still very concerned that they are going to find me and off me. or just beat me whoever they were, "the guys who I was lead to believe that were the Earl's Earls.

All year I am trying to deal with it. She is very much in my head an very strongly involved.
Shyam is doing nothing to relieve me.
He insist that her parents know, people know. I think it is Lucy. I wonder why the community doesn't say anything about her dying.
I don't want to bring it up. I had taken up smoking cigarettes again. At this point after the demise of the woman, the nagging about smoking became especially strong. Does anybody quit smoking with such a nagging. Yet I felt guilty as hell.

How strange this whole affair! It is 1992. Rebe Schneersahn has predicted that the Messiah will appear this year, and all the Chassid are praying that he will reveal himself. This year the Bahais have said they will print the whole Kitab-i-Aqdas the book of laws in English. I predict that the Bahais will lose many members over it. Shyam is alive and well and living in the Himalayas. There has been a big meeting in Rio to try to get global agreement about ecology and sustainable development.

1992, late: Terry brings up the thought, "Lucy's mom said she has been with the Bahais for fifteen years." I wait for him to finish but he says nothing more. I don't even want to ask.

The last time I went to the ashrams I saw Ram Dev there he had just come back from India and he was in a very angry mood. He looked dark and smoldering inside. He was looking at Madhu (Barbara) as if she were a dog poo on his new carpet. She was the current space leader. I started to recall the number of times that I had observed such anger and darkness in Shyam Space and it was getting to be a long list. It included Swami Shyam.

I had been seeing Sarah on a buddy basis for a long time and she and I were getting together frequently. She was Welsh and so was I supposed to be of Welsh origin. there was no romance there but good companionship for a long time.

The ESE project was going to be done at Concordia University. There had been an upset overruling of the tax breaks necessary to fund it. A few months later the partner at the university was shot and killed by the madman Valerie Fabricant. A while later I started doing the programming for a simulation to prove that the concept was viable. I had only an XT and was using Turbo C++ a copy donated by SR.

It turns out that there were several Indian professors in the Engineering department of Concordia who were later investigated for malpractice. There was a suggestion that they were even instrumental in putting Fabricant into a strange space. One of them was called Prof. Something Swami.

And me? Maybe more about that later.
How strange this whole affair!

[spook.shyam.09]

When the Archbishop of Canterbury came to Montreal for the service at Christ Church Cathedral, the ceremony was one of those great pageants, where the big brass cross was brought down the isle along with the bible.

I had a few visions. I saw Jesus on the cross and it flew down and entered me, frightening me somewhat. His chest was dark inside but He had a sort of plastic surface covering it and blotting out his suffering. The plastic surface covered most of the chest and into the armpit. Then a tingling sensation happened all over me and a sort of star appeared in the deep recess behind the alter. I felt blessed. I had heard a voice in my mind that said the Jews shouldn't be hurt anymore.

Afterwards the congregation stood and greeted their neighbors as is the custom. To my surprise the arch bishop came down the isle from the back shaking hands and blessing people, "Peace be with you." I blurted out, "god bless you." His hand was very large and soft. George Carey came from a working man's background. A truck driver I believe.

1993 The Horror of horrors! It turns out that Lucy wasn't even in Canada. I was sure that she has died, although I haven't seen her since 1988.
[spook.shyam.10]

Steve Rs: The crystal shop. I had started spending time down at the Fauxburg. Steve would talk about computers and we were thinking of building some kind of business off and on. He had a stall set up with a huge sculpture of Shiva and Parvati set in the middle of it. It sat there radiating to the passers by from its nest of semiprecious stones that were his business in the faux burg. One day I had gone there and was up stairs eating a sandwich when I looked down to the mezzanine and saw Stephan LC sitting at the booth. He seemed to be the salesman of the day. Steve R had been hiring various people to take care of the stall periodically when he was out of town on buying tours. So I finished my sandwich and got up went over to the elevators. No sooner did I get on then some friends of Steve R 's arrived as I could see from through the glass walls of the elevator. I got to the mezzanine and greeted Danny and Steve and Stephan. They hailed me heartily and there was a cheery atmosphere. For good will I turned and and shook hands with Stephan. He begrudged me a smile. Carol happened by and after some bantering she said very loud for Stephan to hear and everyone in the proximity, "Where is the book". I loved it. Later I took Steve aside and asked how it happened that Stephan was there working for him. He said he had been gambling with him and lost. They were drinking and over at the casino the night before. So Steve had said that he could pay off his debt by working for him. Later Steve and I argued about his hostilities to Ingrid.

Ching Hai the Buddhist woman from Hong Kong(?) area came to University of Montreal. I went to see her. Again spook Shyam fell away when I went into the auditorium. She gave a good speech and I was watching her. she seemed to glow. I was quite disappointed when I got up close and she did not seem to have the energy. She had seen something though as I could see some energies discharged between us. Ching Hai had enough energy to enable me to discern that the spooks had attacked   into the lower part of my body, though the praan or aura and mind and along the spine. Since I was with a getting close to a woman who was seeming to be "highest consciousness" that spook force had suddenly started attacking me in anger. More about this later.

Near Xmas 1993. I had been given a new computer to complete the ESE project which had been going so slowly with the XT. It was bought at Microville which is not of the greatest reputation. After a few months it began to break down on me causing me all kinds of distress. So I took it in and they found they had to replace some chips that they did not have on stock. So I waited for about 3 days and then went in again and asked what was wrong. it seems the manager was out scouring Ottawa for new chips. I was taken aback. Why did the owner have to go so far for chips. Meanwhile I remembered having talked to a clerk/techinician there while I was waiting for service the previous month. he had mentioned that he was into reverse programming. That means breaking into coding to get passwords. My whole technology was sitting on the hard disk waiting for repair and they were often giving the customer's a hard time.

They said the repair was imminent and they would call me as soon as it happened. I dropped by anyway and even at closing time they didn't have it done. So I went in the next day and there was another clerk there an Italian. Some other onerous looking guys were sitting at the back. I said I want the machine right now. The clerk wouldn't give it to me. he was rude. So I said give it to me now. He says I've got friends you know. I said, give the machine in a loud voice. It went on and he wouldn't so I said I'll know that they have gone beyond the guaranteed maintenance period. he still wouldn't and threatened to call the police. I said go ahead and then he wouldn't. So I went out on the street and walked over to station 24 and talked to the desk officer. They sent over two guys with me and we went in. The same clerk was there. He reluctantly went in the back and pulled it out making snide comments all the way. The cop was wearing jeans as they were on a limited strike. So when I had the machine in my hand I was asked if it were my machine, I looked it over and said yes. I was told to take it and leave. I had hoped that we could pull it apart and check out the component serial number but they wouldn't take the time. So I carried it out and took it to a friendlier and more qualified shop and asked them to check the machine out. They had not given me what I asked for in the first place. It wasn't an Intel chip inside at all and some of the mother board circuits were resolders and fixups. The new I had been cheated. it was really too bad that they had not catalogued the chips before the machine had left the shop. So I went to Nick's and began talking about it. I wondered if in fact the whole shop was full of extortionists. I gave the name of the guy to many people I knew and asked informally if anybody knew who the clerk was. I thought we would try to take it to court but it was too expensive. The whole thing fizzled and almost a year later the same store was still operating.

Ah well, police on strike and all. A friend of my girl friend was working for a company Cantel that had equipment there and yet there was never any change in the venue.

I dropped going to the Fauxburg and I wouldn't see Steven anymore. I then was working hard at the ESE project which I hoped would be the device that could produce absolutely clean energy. I realized by then that I had started at Van Houte's and then gone over to Fauxburg and ended up at Nick's on Green Avenue. This restaurant was seventy years in the neighborhood and a sort of landmark where many of the old families would go. I saw Brian Mulroney there and Mila had been there with the kids quite often. There were several notables. Many of the established families would also go to the Murray's over at Clairemount.

I was sitting at the counter at Nick's on Green and he Mulroney was sitting in the benches with Mila and two younger kids. I turned around and contemplated his face for a bit, thinking about his two sisters who were in Shyam space. He looked up at me and I nodded and gave him the thumbs up. He looked surprised and his glance darted around before he nodded back. As I turned back to my sandwich there was a really bad vibe in the air. I felt distinctly uncomfortable. A few moments later Max Cohen was trying to talk to me from the other end of the counter where he was sitting with his second wife. I took my plate and went down to his end and chatted for a while. I turned and looked around during a pause in the chat and saw that Mila was gazing at me. As soon as I looked she looked down in her lap and then at Brian. About five minutes later she and the kids whistled out of the restaurant and Brian went out moments later not saying good-bye or waving to anybody. He looked very uptight. He was. The Progressive Conservative Party had just crashed in he hands of the Kim Campbell regime. Besides. I found out from the head waiter Fred that he usually never goes into Nick's except with a flourish of security guards. This day there were none. He shouldn't really have to worry on Green Avenue. RCMP headquarters was right down the street. The Royal Montreal Regiment Headquarters is six blocks away, and Westmount Police Headquarters is four blocks away. A very tight security zone.

One day at Mount Pleasant a woman had rang the doorbell very persistently. I reluctantly went down and answered it. it was a well dressed black woman of middle age. She wore a rain coat and had a blush of blond tinted hair. When I opened the door and greeted her she walked in and introduced herself. I didn't quite catch the name but didn't ask. She seemed to be easy about coming in and I asked if she lived there. She said that she had just rented a room but had forgotten her key. I asked politely what room she was in as she came up the stairs with me to the second floor. She said this one indicating a room where the previous occupant had not yet moved out the day before. How long had she lived there? Oh about three days. I knew she was lying. So then she says that she got the room from a guy with long black hair at the bar. That must be Louis I thought. She said she had given him the money. I wondered if it was a setup of some kind. So then I said where is your key? She didn't in fact have a key. I invited her to leave. She claimed that she needed to use the washroom. I started up the stairs to the third story and she says, "What 's my name?"

I said, "What do I care what your name is, you've been lying to me since you came here. If you wanted to use the toilette you better you use it now," meaning if she is so full of it she better get in there right away. She moseyed down the hallway and I went up to my room. Leaving the door open so she could hear I picked up the phone and called the Landlord. Unfortunately he wasn't home. So I walked out on the third story landing to check and see if she was on her way out. She was on the first floor by now and was inspecting the mail. Then left. After a few moments I went out into the streets to look for her and half hoping a squad car would cruise by at my convenience. She was already a block away at Wood Ave. corner and so I just went back into my room.

I put on my best white shirt and some Bermuda shorts, donned my Panama hat, went down to the main RCMP building and went into the vestibule. I put my hand on the counter and looked into the cameras at the entrance and gave my name. I had placed my hand solidly on the counter just in case anyone should want to have my finger prints, and I said.
"I am contemplating working for my cousin a baronette of England. I would like to have a security check done for myself so that I can do this. I have already had a security check and I have worked at the Department of National Defense."
One of the men who was standing at the gate came out from the gate and said that if I would like such a service that I would have to wait until the appropriate office was open, and that I should apply to them at that time. Satisfied I turned and departed.
I just didn't want anyone to wonder who I was or why I was waving at the Prime Minister. I turns out that my fourth cousin once removed, first cousin of the current Baronette lived just a few blocks away on Grove. Oh well.

At this time I swore that I would never even smell marijuana or hash from then on. I never did like cocaine or those who used it. Its pernicious and nasty and brings strange gods. and certainly not anything else, either. It was a very long time since I had done mushrooms or mescaline and I didn't do much of that in the first place. That was thirty years ago. Basically I hadn't done anything like that for many years anyway, apart from socializing with those who do. So whether or not my opinion went otherwise, and sympathized with NORML, I would not ever be involved. It was exactly what was the hangup with Shyam Space. It was being on the wrong side of the law that was bothering me. So I quit it, and was firmly on the side of the majority whether they were right or wrong. That liberated me. I had no need to smoke anyway. So I trimmed my social agenda even more and quit that space and Shyam Space as well. I wouldn't go there as long as there was any catering to grass. And why should I? Wasn't liberation so much more important that I should just say farewell to anybody and any community that accepts it? Well yes, and it made life so much easier. I was feeling free again.